I didn't even address the mediation issue, caue I don't think it's an issue. Obviously, you do. Betsey, I just don't think he would be calling, and friendly if that were the case.
Please try to look at this as his attempt to solve two needs. 1) a place for the girls when he has them 2) a roof over his head.
{{{{ Hugs, sweetie}}}}
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Agree with Pattie: we did not skip the issue, but I've learned the hard way this last month that men ARE literal and simple creatures: when they say they are going away to think, they go away and think; when they say they need a bigger place, they usually just mean they need a bigger place... It is us girls that remember what happened a year ago and worry about whether they really mean what they said...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
You hit the nail on the head, Meredith. And I am in deep gratitude for your thoughts on negating that creeping fear.
I guess your points here are exactly why this is so confusing. It made no sense to me... Here he is, doing things for us at home, making suggestions on crown moulding, chatting with me at the vanity, and being cordial and cooperative--so my question is, WHAT GIVES?
Triple J and I are chatting at the moment, and he was kind enough to list these 4 positives:
1. there was no mention of the big D 2. He is not moving out of the area 3. He is not moving to get away from the sitch 4. He is making more room for the comfort of the children
So I will gladly take them right now until I get the facts that I need to help me make any decisions.
Now on the front is D9, who is in the nurse's office with a stomach ache. It's so out of hand...
I'll take the advice given here and just keep swimming. And for the record, I am not calling him today... it's up to him to initiate.
And things here at work are not exactly going smoothly. What a crappy week!
Consololation prize, fellow sharks: My stomach is too upset to eat fish today.
Big hugs and thanks.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Of all people here, I know you know this one best of all. So I'll take a page out of your rule book and follow you. I promise not to eat you... but let me ask this one question before you lead me into the trench where death awaits and the jellies are overhead: do you know where you're going?
You've got the balls (well, we know you don't really have testicles, but you know what I mean) to sit on the bench until you get a better view. I can do the same.
I promise!
After all, what kind of person would I be if I spewed advice to you guys and didn't take yours?
More big hugs from your shark friend
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, I'm still kinda new to this board, but I think I am starting to get the picture - I don't have to do this alone, and reaching out on this board may be one of the best things I can do for myself... Kudos on the advice to not read so much into what guys say - I take everything as nothing less than an omen from the stars, and forget that he's just as human and just as confused as I am. {{{{{{{{everybody}}}}}} Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Yes, this board is a Godsend and a wonderful place for support. Visiting my soon-to-be-locked-thread should give you warm fuzzies that the folks here are great.
I wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in hell without my fellow sharks and fish friends.
Once I get out of my self-absorbed moment, I'll come visit your thread...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
They get locked when they get too long and have whatever numerical posts that are the limit. So know that my next thread will have a new title and there will be a little padlock instead of a smiley face next to the name of this one...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Betsey, Sorry about the turn of events, but I agree, it could be nothing but his feeling he needed MORE space.
Have you read the book Living with the P/A man? I understand that your 'crazy making' could also be considered P/A behavior...my guess is that we all have some P/A characterisitics. BUT a P/A man is so afraid of NEEDING his partner that he creates (crazy making) scenarios that justify his fear of vulnerability....So YOU become the controller, the disloyal one, the crazy maker and then his fears of being abandonned are justified . Catch 22: you ask him to come home and you are a shark. You don't ask him and he says you don't want him.
Of course not only can he not NEED you, but the P/A man is also afraid of you needing him.
What is so screwed up is the premise IMHO: there is nothing wrong with NEEDING (different from being needy). Mutual interdependence feels good. I can understand why someone feels afraid of being vulnerable; I think we all have some fear of being rejected. But to sabatage a marriage because of an UNFOUNDED fear is a sickness...and I'm afraid that the therapist's answer to the P/A problem, to hold his feet against the fire is nearly impossible to do...these are slippery little fish!
I don't know your H, Bets, but somewhere you mentioned his P/A tendencies. My H was a real P/A person and I didn't understand that nor did I understand how to deal with it...so I became defensive and stopped trying to bring up issues cause they always got turned around anyway.
So, you've been working on changing you and your crazy making. Good girl...but is he ever going to work on changing his P/A coping mechanisms? I think that there needs to be a 3rd party intervention to 'hold his feet to the fire'. Is he willing to try any counseling?
My news: I got tired of being accused of horrible things and not responding. Maybe I am thin skinned, but being accused of crap so he can justify HIS actions is too hurtful to bear. So, monday I went to Denver and took a lie detector test. It was interesting. And yes, I passed with flying colors. Are you surprised to learn that I didnt' turn my crazy H into the govt for his jeopardizing our retirement plan, that I didn't cheat or betray him and that I most definitely did NOT try to poison him or hurt him physically or emotionally. Jeez. But I feel empowered by having taking this test, even tho he'll find some way to cast aspersions on the testing. I didn't do it to convince him...he is beyond hope. But I did do it in case my d had any doubts. I also feel that some of the final pieces of the puzzle of my marriage are settling into place. It has been a long journey. For me, I have always analyzed. I need to understand, as best as I can what HAPPENED, before I can let go. I think I do understand, at least the basic stuff now. And tho I still believe that I will never heal from the damage of 25 years of attempting to dig a hole in the sand while my H was frantically trying to fill it in, at least I understand more about the dynamic. Do I have crazy making tendencies? You bet. I actually think we all do. Well, gotta go walk on the treadmill. And write deposition questions. I'm just delaying. Hope the two bedroom apt is only a sign that he needs space. Or maybe his next P/A ploy in trying to get you to rescue him. I am sorry D9 is taking it so hard.(((((((D9))))).....P.S. I didn't see Nemo, so I am in the dark about sharks, tho I do know that that is how P/A people see their partners...as sharks. What I don't know is how to help them see us any other way, no matter what we do. I never realized that to my H, I was the ENEMY. So sad
