Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

[mshaf]

W just called while I am at work. I let it ring through. She won't leave a voicemail. If it is important I guess she will send a text.

That was hard; I wanted to answer it as I have not talked to her in a few days.

Should I call back later and tell her I was busy or just let it go? When you go Dim what are the acceptable ways to have contact?

Is going dim appropriate as we have not been fighting?

[mshaf]

I called W back about an hour later. She didn't seem to have any reason for the phone call. We talked for a couple minutes, small talk (How was the vacay, did the boys have phone, etc.). Unfortunately I let her be the one to end the conversation and she said she would call back later (no expectations though).

She sent a text an hour or so later to let me know S8m/o is walking now. So that’s great, I'll miss that. Mistake #2, I responded immediately with a request for pictures. Haven't got one so far.

Obviously I need to continue to work on patience.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do better.

[MrBond]

"Unfortunately I let her be the one to end the conversation and she said she would call back later (no expectations though)."

You don't have to follow DR so literally. If she ended it, then that's it.

"She sent a text an hour or so later to let me know S8m/o is walking now. So that’s great, I'll miss that. Mistake #2, I responded immediately with a request for pictures."

Again, not a mistake. Don't sweat everything you do.

After reading your sitch, I would suggest IC for you. Especially with your drinking before. Have you ever done that? How much did you used to drink?

[mshaf]

Mr. Bond,

Thanks you are right. I know that I have a tendency to try to hard when doing things I believe in. I need to get to the place where I can practice my DB while not worrying if I am doing all the right things or over analyzing my sitch. This will be better for me, and will probably make my DBing more effective.

I am trying to figure out how I can disconnect myself from my sitch, maybe then things will come a little easier.

As for the IC, before my separation I was seeing a MD psych. This was mostly for medication management as a result of PTSD from my time in the Army. (Side note, W complained that meds I was on at the time "changed" me. She is not the only one who said this, and I have since stopped taking meds and I am doing fine.) With the Doc there was not a lot of actual counseling, mostly just general mood questions.

I know I need to seek an IC and I have a ton of resources to do so as my parents are both mental health professionals. I have received some names but have not pursued IC any further. I need to do that.

With my drinking my W biggest complaint was the fact that I would go out and not come home until late. I was not an every day drinker, more of a binge alcoholic (2 to 3 times a month). I would go out for a couple drinks and take it way too far.

One of the things my W and I used to do together was to meet friends out, have a few drinks and play pool. At some point I became unhappy with going home at a reasonable time or when W wanted to leave. My W got to the point where she felt uncomfortable going out with me. I began going out by myself. Part of the problem was the medication I was on as it intensified the effects of alcohol. 99% of the problem was with me.

I have begun AA to help work through this problem and have maintained my sobriety. W insisted that I stop drinking if we ever were going to have a chance to R, so this is what I must do. So far so good.

I don't know if she will see the change in my behavior since I have stopped drinking, but this is truly for me and my boys. She knows I have stopped taking meds.

It is hard to talk about as it was a huge FAIL on my part.

[Cadet]

I have begun AA to help work through this problem and have maintained my sobriety. W insisted that I stop drinking if we ever were going to have a chance to R, so this is what I must do. So far so good.

I don't know if she will see the change in my behavior since I have stopped drinking, but this is truly for me and my boys. She knows I have stopped taking meds.

Dont worry about if she sees the changes.

Like you said the changes are for YOU.

Stay on that PATH since those sound like good changes no matter what.

All you can do is make yourself the BEST possible person and the healthiest for your next relationship.
Whether that be with her or someone else.

[mshaf]

Thanks Cadet.

You have a way of filtering through the fluff and focusing on the real issues. I sincerely appreciate the way you always seem to point out the important things I need to work on.

[mshaf]

*(Venting so that is does not spill over tonight in front of my sons)

*I started thinking about this last night and it is growing.

I find myself losing patience with WAW. Yesterday she sent the txt about my youngest walking and I asked for a pic. No response. That's pretty s****y in my book.

Also, she knows I haven't seen my boys since last Wednesday but I have to ask to see my sons tonight.

She calls for no reason; I call back, after a few minutes she says she will call me back later. She never calls.

No pics from the beach as I had asked.

She is so self-absorbed that she obviously does not care about my feelings.

Do I want to be treated like this? The answer is a resounding NO. I think I deserve a lot better. If she can't see that then F her. How hard would a D be really?

This is not the first time she has done this. Before my S3 was born she did something very similar, i.e. limited contact, limited time together, hurtful things said. I think if not for the pregnancy there probably would have been no marriage as I was getting fed up then.

One of the reasons I pushed her away is because she likes to do it to me. I became tired of feeling rejected so I quit caring. I did not concern myself with her opinions. I think I am getting to this place again. I don't even care about being mad at her because she doesn’t deserve that much of me.

She can make an effort if she wants to. If not oh well. I am tired of feeling like this. No more games, no more worry, no more trying.

I am seriously considering telling her I AM DONE.

[MrBond]

"It is hard to talk about as it was a huge FAIL on my part."

Yes but you seem to keep forgetting that. She felt the same way you're feeling now, however, you're getting impatient and almost demanding in what she SHOULD be doing. Were you that conscience of her feelings before she left? Were you that conscience of her feelings when you were drunk, on meds, or going through PTSD?

She had to deal with all that and you're p*ssed because she didnt' send you pictures?

This is why she doesn't want to get back together with you. You need to fix yourself first before she can think of going back together with you. Right now she sees you as the same damaged person as before. That's why MC won't work. You MUST get IC for yourself first to get yourself right.

You majorly criticize her and actually made what you did sound sympathetic.

She doesn't deserve you? REally? What part doesn't she deserve? The alcoholic? The one with PTSD? The one with the drug issues? The one with the short temper? You're not making yourself sound like a catch.

That is called a dose of reality for you.

Get an IC right away and get healthy. She will see that and will maybe change her mind.

But if you're M isn't worth it to you to put in the effort, then you might as well draw up the papers yourself. Because you're driving your M straight off the cliff.

[mshaf]

Mr. Bond,

You are right.

I guess that is one of the reasons to come on this board so other people can call you on your s**t.

Part of me understands that I seriously mistreated her. The other part of ME is a spoiled brat I guess.

Chalk up a quick temper to my list of things that need to be fixed.

Thanks, it was not what I wanted to hear but something I DEFINATELY needed to hear.

[MrBond]

No problem. That's why in DB, it teaches you to take care of your own sh*t first and then the new you is what the person is attracted to.

You can do it. Just keep the eye on you for now. Think about it this way. Become the man you want your sons to idolize. Become the man that you want your wife to respect. Become THE MAN.