Been out on my bike today & did a comfortable 10 miles which was nice in the sun cool
Earlier today my W was flirting with me a bit, trying things on & I have to admit she did look good.
Since I've pulled way back we haven't ML in about 5 weeks & as much as I don't want to potentially get dragged back into limbo, I don't know how much longer my will power will last.
I don't want to undo any good progress (personal growth) by sleeping with my W, because I run the risk of being dragged back in. (If I was a DB Jedi I could do both wink )
I will not cheat on my W, because I honour my vows & I know how it feels to be on the wrong end of it.
I chose not to initiate anything with my W and stepped back from my desires to think with my brain.
I have to tell you an In Home Separation with a WAW, when you are curretly a SAHH (stay at home husband)with your 2 young kids off for 6 weeks is character building if nothing else.
The other day I read through my sitch from start to where I am now and it was good to reflect on not only how far I have come, but also how far away I am from saving myself or my M.
I've been looking long & hard at our finances (lack of) and even when my teacher training bursary kicks in - because we owe alot of money out - financially we are tied together until at least February and maybe beyond.
This frustrates me somewhat because I feel disarmed financially from making choices and decisions on my next steps because of this financial barrier.
In hindsight, had I known what I know now about my sitch I would not have used my redundancy money to pay for a holiday & make some home improvements
I did these things because I love my W and famiy very much & really thought our M was in a stronger place than it actually was.
I am facing up to how things actually are, financially we are going to both need each other for at least the next 6 months & neither of us can afford to move out (that's the reality of it).
Emotionally I am ready to either legally separate or file for D, because I will no longer tolerate her lack of respect for me by continuing to dance with the OM.
As things are now I don't want to be part of any R with my W. If my W wants to give R another go there are things I will not compromise on, before I would consider it.
I have gotten used to not trusting my W, but to a point where I'm not suspicious as in, worrying who she's out with or who she's texting. I just accept that she's not to be trusted & more fool me if I have any expectations or desire to get sucked back in while she is living this way.
Instead of getting wrapped up in my sitch, I'm just going to have to live with some of the crap for now, because financially we can't stand on our own 2 feet right now.
What I am going to do is make sure I put everything into my teacher training & my future career - so that I can fulfill what I set out to acheive 5 years ago. The ultimate goal hasn't changed, but the measurements have.
It used to be all about being successful & moving to a nicer area with my W & the kids, now it's a little more defined ...
I want to be a strong role model and great father for my kids.
I want to be a great teacher.
I want to be financially and emotionally independent again.
I want the next chapter of my life to be my best chapter.
I want to be the best ME I can be.
I've got a long way to go on this journey & either way whatever happens between me and my W, I know I'll be OK.
I have to be for my kids and for me.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
