My situation mirrors yours so closely that it is scary, right down to the timing of the bomb. Your W may seem calm about her decision but there are two answers to that. The first is that she has already had some time to come to terms with her decision. The second is that she doesn't want to show you how much she is hurting inside right now. My W is the same way; she always seems like she is at peace with her decision but I can tell that she isn't. I am sure that if you take some time and gain some perspective you will see that your W isn't at peace either.
My advice to you is spend some time focusing on what you need. Reconnect with friends, take up a new hobby, "find yourself" by figuring out who you want to be, and be the best father that you can be to your kids. And most importantly, take back your emotional life for yourself. I know that it is hard because I struggle with it on a daily basis, but the sooner you can let yourself decide what you are going to feel rather than just reacting emotionally to what she is doing the sooner you can be happy again and feel hopeful about yourself.
One other thing I would add is that your wife is right about you needing to move on. However, moving on doesn't mean giving up. Your R with your W is dead, I know you don't want to hear that right now, but there is nothing stopping you from trying to build a new stronger relationship with her if that is what you want to do.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
One other thing I would add is that your wife is right about you needing to move on. However, moving on doesn't mean giving up. Your R with your W is dead, I know you don't want to hear that right now, but there is nothing stopping you from trying to build a new stronger relationship with her if that is what you want to do. [/quote]
You're absolutely right. I do know that the marriage is dead, and do think the final papers are inevitable at this point. I honestly don't have any desire to go back to our marriage. I'd much prefer to start over. I wish I could see a day where she says "I love you" again, and really know that she does. I'm having a very difficult time imagining not only my life without her as my wife, but even more trouble with the thought of someone else coming along and making her truly happy.
I want her to fall in love with me all over again and build a marriage that will stand the tests of time. It seems impossible right now that that could ever happen, but I won't give up hope just yet.
Well, after a little sleep (restless, but sleep) I've come to grips with how badly last night went for me. I went into the evening with a plan, yet I let myself return to the old "not working" way of interacting with my W. The trigger was when the W said she stopped IC because she was being encouraged to continue to work on the R. I've seen this before the one time we attempted MC about 5 yrs ago. She didn't like what the C had to say, and said she was done with it.
We were able to work through things at that time, but I guess we were just accepting that the M wouldn't be exactly what we had dreamed it would be. There were plenty of difficulties, and we weren't equipped to deal with them satisfactorily. We just picked the things that were most important to us declaring what we would do, and gave in to the other on an alternating basis I guess. However, there were a lot of great times too. Family things, great sex, lots of laughter, and so on.
She made the comment last night that there is no incident or sitch that has led her to D. Just that she felt mistreated for our whole marriage. Not in a literal sense I know. Until recently, neither of us had a lack of respect for each other, and always tried to be pleasant with one another. I believe it's more that I disconnected from her and the family pretty early on. There was depression, financial difficulties, feelings of low self esteem, and more that led to that disconnect.
It's ironic that I was able to detach myself from my W and D's while married, yet I'm having an extremely difficult time doing it now.
I guess after some sleep I've come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up hope, as bad as it seems. Perhaps with last night I can truly move forward with no expectations. Maybe I really needed that one more awful exchange for me to realize I have to stop trying to reason or rationalize with her about what her decision means and just focus on me.
I'm going to try and do that. I wish I could just stop the pain within my heart. In fact, I wish I didn't love her so much. I do not want my marriage to end, but in a sense it already has and I have to accept it. I'm probably just afraid of her happiness without me in her life being greater than it was with me, even at its best. Especially when I feel (at least at the moment) that my life could not possibly be better without my family intact and loving.
Go for 7x7. Too bad if she has too move. I would inform her that she cannot move out of the county you both live in. Do not let her dictate what she wants as what will be.
You need to stop with listening to her blame you for her poor family destroying choices.
So accept your marriage is over and stop chasing.
Start dictating 50% One week , one week. If she says its too disruptive then offer to have them all the time except for a few dinners a week and every other weekend.
You need to stand up for yourself as a father.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Agree with chatter. She can threaten to go for full custody, but any good family law attorney (preferably one who specializes in "men's rights"/paternal custody issues, will tell you that that's rare that she would win that.
Do some legal homework; get a consultation. The knowledge you gain will give you more confidence to do the right things that need to be done regarding your kids.
Well, after a little sleep (restless, but sleep) I've come to grips with how badly last night went for me. I went into the evening with a plan, yet I let myself return to the old "not working" way of interacting with my W. The trigger was when the W said she stopped IC because she was being encouraged to continue to work on the R. I've seen this before the one time we attempted MC about 5 yrs ago. She didn't like what the C had to say, and said she was done with it.
We were able to work through things at that time, but I guess we were just accepting that the M wouldn't be exactly what we had dreamed it would be. There were plenty of difficulties, and we weren't equipped to deal with them satisfactorily. We just picked the things that were most important to us declaring what we would do, and gave in to the other on an alternating basis I guess. However, there were a lot of great times too. Family things, great sex, lots of laughter, and so on.
She made the comment last night that there is no incident or sitch that has led her to D. Just that she felt mistreated for our whole marriage. Not in a literal sense I know. Until recently, neither of us had a lack of respect for each other, and always tried to be pleasant with one another. I believe it's more that I disconnected from her and the family pretty early on. There was depression, financial difficulties, feelings of low self esteem, and more that led to that disconnect.
It's ironic that I was able to detach myself from my W and D's while married, yet I'm having an extremely difficult time doing it now.
I guess after some sleep I've come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up hope, as bad as it seems. Perhaps with last night I can truly move forward with no expectations. Maybe I really needed that one more awful exchange for me to realize I have to stop trying to reason or rationalize with her about what her decision means and just focus on me.
I'm going to try and do that. I wish I could just stop the pain within my heart. In fact, I wish I didn't love her so much. I do not want my marriage to end, but in a sense it already has and I have to accept it. I'm probably just afraid of her happiness without me in her life being greater than it was with me, even at its best. Especially when I feel (at least at the moment) that my life could not possibly be better without my family intact and loving.
Don't listen to the negative voices. You are going to be okay no matter what. It may not seem that way now but you will be. The sooner you let yourself believe that the better off you and your family will be.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
It's tough being in limbo. I do not want the D, and don't want to file myself. I do know I have rights. Here in MI, she can move up to 100 miles away if it is a practical move, ei to be closer to her work. I feel fortunate to this point for her willingness to stay near enough to me to allow regular interaction with my kids. The last school my daughter attended was 45 miles away, so in reality, her decision to stay here is very considerate. If she wanted to relocate back to where we used to live, near her work. There is not much I can do about it. Only if she seeks to move further than 100 miles away does she need a judges permission.
I would like to share 7+7, and if we go to mediation before filing, that will be my position. It's just that right now I have nothing enforceable, I don't know where I'm going to live next month yet, and school is only 3 weeks away. I am going to consult with an attorney this week, but until she files or moves forward with mediation. I'm kind of limited to filing myself without an attorney (money is an issue for me). If I do that, I believe she will take it as a threat and abandon the thought of mediation, and tell me we will litigate. She has the comfort of family wealth to fall back on, where she knows I do not. She would file deposition after deposition until I financially could not fight her anymore. I know this because she has mentioned doing so. I feel like my hands are somewhat tied, because I do still hope if D is inevitable, that we could at least decide what's best for our D's, rather than having a judge decide it.
She has taken your self esteem away to the point that your agreeing to be a part part time father.
Logic would dictate that you would
1. Enforce a 7 x 7 rotation. 2. Seek legal council 3. Read and read and read on what happens to other men in your position in your state. 4. rebuild your self confidence. 5. If she has more money than you go after alimony as well for a limited time. 6. Listen to the threats and legally determine how to overcome them. Disposition only works so many times before a judge puts a stop to it as it wastes everyone's time.
If she moves 100 miles away and you have the precedence set that you only see the kids every other weekend. This says to the judge that yes you agree to this. Hence it will be easy to be a 20% dad.
If you want 50% then you need to take this on now. You need to be active in their lives. Which means. Getting them ready for school. Doing school work with them. Driving them to their activities. You know being a dad.
Do not give up this right so easy because you think it will make your wife happy. It will not. Spite is spite. And it will continue to come until you state what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
If you both want whats right for the children.
Then 50% - 50 %
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
It's tough being in limbo. I do not want the D, and don't want to file myself. I do know I have rights. Here in MI, she can move up to 100 miles away if it is a practical move, ei to be closer to her work. I feel fortunate to this point for her willingness to stay near enough to me to allow regular interaction with my kids. The last school my daughter attended was 45 miles away, so in reality, her decision to stay here is very considerate. If she wanted to relocate back to where we used to live, near her work. There is not much I can do about it. Only if she seeks to move further than 100 miles away does she need a judges permission.
I would like to share 7+7, and if we go to mediation before filing, that will be my position. It's just that right now I have nothing enforceable, I don't know where I'm going to live next month yet, and school is only 3 weeks away. I am going to consult with an attorney this week, but until she files or moves forward with mediation. I'm kind of limited to filing myself without an attorney (money is an issue for me). If I do that, I believe she will take it as a threat and abandon the thought of mediation, and tell me we will litigate. She has the comfort of family wealth to fall back on, where she knows I do not. She would file deposition after deposition until I financially could not fight her anymore. I know this because she has mentioned doing so. I feel like my hands are somewhat tied, because I do still hope if D is inevitable, that we could at least decide what's best for our D's, rather than having a judge decide it.
I don't know why so many LBS seem to just believe anything a WAS tells them re: the legalities/realities of a Sep or a D. Just stop that. She abandoned the marital home and is taking the kids. Seek legal advice, and if necessary, a sep agreement to protect your relationship with your kids.
