Fish are friends. Not food.

[Underdog]

Brian, Meredith, Water, Cathy, Mike, CBH, Kitti, Ellie and Pamela--

Wow! Thank you all so much for being here this morning. I just got out of a meeting so I'm here a little late.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the positive feedback. Believe me, I spent the better part of my night not sleeping again and mulling the same thoughts over. D9 slept in the bed with me and D6 (who appears to be getting sick) and said she didn't feel well this morning.

I just don't know what to say. We haven't spoken since we got off the phone and I've felt no need to talk to him about this stuff.

I can honestly say that although I'm disappointed, I'm feeling very detached. I also realize that how I handle myself now will either steer this ship in the right direction or away from it. There is no in between.

Water, I have come up with a compromise to being totally enthusiastic about this move. I can muster neutrality and validation, but I don't think I can act as effusive as bubbling with excitement. Nor do I think that's a good idea.

For one, Mr. Wonderful has relied on my feelings and emotions to serve as his temperature gauge (except for this past year). On his way out the door last January, he looked me in the eye and said, "I don't know why you're so upset: this is what you've wanted all along!"

While I admit that I wanted to change our M (and had not found DB/DR yet, sadly), I did NOT want the solution he offered.

If I act like this is what I want, it might serve as proof that I have been acting all along--enough for him to say to himself, "See, I knew she didn't want me."

I did have a chat with him back in October--it's journaled somewhere in my archived threads, but it was an emotional evening where I told him that I loved him, always will and wish him only happiness. This was very tough for me--but I told him that if his happiness really meant that we need to split, I was giving him my blessing.

I got an e-mail letter awhile later. He said he was confused and that my cut and dried offer wasn't the issue--he was contemplating what possibly was in store for him, me and the girls if we did D. This is also the last time I got the spiel about how he is paid to work at work, and doesn't feel he should have to work in a M.

CBH, I am wearing my wedding rings and joining him in activities when he invites me. He knows I want him home. Therefore, I will not do his dirty work for him. His P/A tendencies with me always come back to bite me in the butt.. somewhere down the road he would tell me that he came home because I asked and he felt guilty. I do appreciate the insight, because with any other guy, that tact would undoubtedly work.

Ellie, you're right. I'm not surprised that he's still confused. So no disagreement there.

And all of you, this IS far from over. I know that, and it means that I have more work to do. Although I will make a promise to myself not to get involved with another Aquarius guy again--fickle, fickle, fickle.

Yes, I believe it is time to plan a road trip!

Big hugs to all of you today.

Betsey