i asked h on saturday if s could spend a day with me before he starts school on thursday. he agreed quite eagerly, saying that he had been planning to leave s with sil while he worked anyway
tonight when he called - it was strange because he called and when i picked up he said calling so you can say good night to s - he usually gets s to call me when he's right there. so i chatted a bit and asked how his first day back at uni was and asked if they had decided whether s was coming here tomorrow or wednesday.
he got a bit funny and said that maybe tomorrow because he was going to the school workday, was i going? he's on the facilities committee so its sort of his job to encourage all the parents to come so i joked and said are you trying to talk me into going. he got a bit funny and said well i just call so you could say g'nite to s. so i laughed and said - oh is that your way of saying you're done with the conversation and he said yes and handed the phone to s!!
effing fog!!!
then things didn't go too well with s. i sort of took the stand that s needed to decide which day and he kept telling me that both days were planned with him going with sil, her gf and kid to do fun things. at first i sort of held my ground and then realized that it was making s feel really torn when he said "i want to come to your house, but i really want to do these things too"
so i backed off and lightened the conversation and said that how about he calls me in the morning and lets me know what their plans are.
now i feel pretty bad. i was only selfishly thinking that i have to hang out with s one more day before school starts - because that's what i always did and want to continue doing. but i didn't take what he wants to do into consideration at all.
one more layer of accepting that even if i "plan" in advance for something i would like and get a yes, that doesn't mean that it will happen.
these are the little things especially with s - little traditions that i need to let go of and find new substitutes for them which are different than before.
i'm a little teary-eyed since i realized how i made things feel difficult for s, because of thinking only of what i want. i am going to call first thing in the morning and let him know that he doesn't need to worry about it at all.
on a happier note - mil and two aunts came over today and bought shawls. we had a lovely time together for about an hour and a half. i'm sure h heard all about it . it occurred to me later that he may have had mixed feelings about that and that's why he was abrupt on the phone. it also occurred to me that he felt so vulnerable saturday night with me, and doesn't want to feel that again by talking too long
not trying to mind read, but more to understand where he may be at and be empathetic towards him
i worked hard at thought stopping today. had a couple of triggers - one a really hard on and was really able to stop and let it go. i managed not to think about h or the sitch for way longer periods than before, which is really saying something
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
