Go to a Alanon meeting. There are many people at those meetings dealing with family issues. Although orginally started for friends & family of alcoholics (which you prob. have an alcoholic somewhere in your family) it is now a place where people dealing with all kinds of problems go, mental illness, abuse, etc..
Try a few meetings and see what you think. I think it would be a great place for you to meet like minded woman
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks all Yes, my emotions get the better of me sometimes. My husband did apologize for cutting my plant, but no apology for other behavior this weekend. He went to the bar to meet a friend for a drink and then he ordered chinese food and told me about an interesting conversation he had with the owner.
Seems like I do a lot of the work in this relationship. The first to be affectionate (that is a 180 for me though). Asking about him alot and listening to all his problems. And supporting him when he is frustrated about work. I told him yesterday because he is depressed that he is blessed. If he lived in a different country and had to go what some others have he might see that. I think that MLC may be born of spoiled, self absorbed people who finally realize the world doesn't revolve around them and they are going to get old and die like everyone else.
I too believe that a MLC is the product of "spoiled, self absorbed people who finally realize the world doesn't revolve around them and they are going to get old and die like everyone else." Where my family is from, there is no time for a MLC and all the related navel gazing and whining about how tough your life is. My ex thinks he has such a difficult and unique life-let's see Mommy and Daddy doted on him since birth, paid for his college and graduate study so he did not have to work, did his cooking and cleaning throughout college, constantly still 25 years later buy him tons of presents even though they have no money and we have plenty, insist he stay with them for half of each of his vacations-I call it shared custody, bought him a cell phone, believe all his lies even when he does things they know are lies and that they disagree with, refuse to admit he needs help for depression saying if only I had taken proper care of him he would be happy and fine, bail him out financially since we split, and put up with his adult temper tantrums in which he screams, throws things, punches things, and breaks things because he is "under so much stress his behavior is understandable." Seems like a spoiled brat to me who is now having one doozey of a midlife crisis. So GREAT observation!!
Well I have to be fair, my husband has been working on his temper and doing much better. He and I also have been spending much more time together and that is good. It's just this past week as I said above, with those old behaviors flaring up and the trigger for all that,I believe, is seeing that OW. He will see her from time to time because they work for the same company. I wish she was somewhere else so we don't have to keep going through this.
Need advice! My son has one of those notebook i pads or whatever. My husband was looking on google earth. I noticed he was looking over his shoulder like seeing if I was looking, so I pretended I wasn't looking and he looked up the ow's street. He doesn't know I know. I want to ask him why he is doing this if he has nothing do with her. He told me in the past he did not know where she lives so that was a lie unless he is seeing her now. I know alot about her and he doesn't know that I know.
I'd calmly tell him you saw what you saw and ask him if he feels the need to talk about it or come clean with some things. He may not say anything, but I think it needs addressing. If you can muster all the kindness and calmness maybe he'd feel better about talking to you about it.
I caught my XH googling his now OW 4 years ago. I never said anything about it and I wished I had. It's possible he might've come clean about their relationship, but possibly not. Given he went balistic when I caught him at her apartment when we were still married, and calling him on her being seen at his apartment daily while he was having me and the kids for an overnighter.
Nip it at the bud, I say. Just be calm and hopefully you can draw him out to talk about it.
I asked him. I was calm. He denied it. I told him I knew her last name and her address. He said he was just searching the general area. He is lyig. He was looking around to make sure I couldn't see. Which I told him. And he zoomed in on her street. He then said this conversation is over and he is not playing games. I said I was not playing games and asking him if he had anything to discuss. Nope. I repeated that I knew he knows where she lives and he said he knew the general area but not the house. I believe he is lyin,lyin, lyin. He got mad cursed and said I am following him around and got up and when into the house. We were outside. I feel like leaving this house right now. I dont want to sleep with him. I am so angry. But I did not yell. I remained calm.
Ok, you know where I stand on this...let it go... He may just be resolving things by revisiting, who knows...my W has some "very interesting" ways of resolving stuff..,if taken at their face value, it is easy to think she is getting back into it, but she wasn't (and hopefully isn't)...her methods make no sense to me...but when she explained them to me after the affair in phase 1 of her mlc, she wasn't going back to start again, just "making sure" she made the right decision to stop... I know, it is "interesting", but it is what it is and how her mind works these past few years.
All that being said, IF you do confront him, make sure you are very centered, calm and VERY LOGICAL, NO EMOTIONS...emotional displays will most likely NOT WORK for your H, and might prove to him that you really are the problem (in his mind) due to the discomfort/pressure/frustration.
Also, be sure you are prepared to hear something you don't want to hear...don't make my mistake and not prepare for the worst things you can imagine, and some you couldn't....
Just saying, be very careful with and for yourself here...I truly understand your wanting to know, I do, I want to know from my W if her "explorations" are done, badly want to know. In my sitch, pressuring for that could push her back into the tunnel...I am letting it go, for now. Too fragile of a time.
My 2 cents, your mileage may vary...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well I was calm but I know he is lying to me. it is no coincidence that he was focused on the street and looking to see where I was before he did so. he got mad because I caught him. He said this is what I was doing before. He thinks I am following him. I am not. But I know alot.
