Going Dark; Not Sure I Have The Strength

[NASCARDaddy]

NASCAR,

Every time you talk to your wife and have an argument you are pushing her further away. Every time she gets mad at you it reinforces her decision. STOP HELPING HER.

Oddly enough that is exactly what my therapist said in IC today. He told me that he thinks that she is trying to draw me into the same arguments over and over to reinforce the image of an angry and controlling individual that she has built of me in her mind.

You are doing the right thing. By going dark you are giving her fewer reasons to be mad at you. This is the best thing you can do right now.

I know that I am doing the right thing by going dim, but it is still scary. Being ex-military, ex-law enforcement I have an alpha male mentality and giving up control and letting go is a pretty frightening thing.

I know the loneliness and fear. I have been dark for only a few weeks. Trust me, it gets easier.

You need to start GALing like crazy to keep your mind off of the loneliness. This will not make it go away completely, it will help.

I am trying to GAL as much as possible and in two weeks when school starts again I will have more GAL on my plate then I know what to do with. But until that point I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

Trust in your own reasoning. You did the right thing on the phone call and you are doing the right thing now.

Stay Strong.

Normally I do trust my own judgement, it is a product of my background. In some of my previous lines of work if you second guess yourself you could end up dead. But the past couple of weeks have made me aware that I have some pretty big blind spots in my judgement and that has me worried. When you wake up one morning and realize that you are in the middle of an EA and on the verge of a PA and you never even saw it coming until you were already in the soup can spook a person.