DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[zig]

hi dawn - can i call you that? it makes me think of a new day - new life....

my first thought after reading your reply is that you have to go at this gently.

fear can really hold us back, but forcing things when we are not ready can be very painful also. otoh, sometimes jumping in the deep end may be all it takes to find out that our fears are not real, just imagined

I can relate very much to what you are going through - I did not do anything either without h for all the years of our marriage and after BD, it was scary - every little and big step i took brought up so much fear that i was almost paralysed.

but what i found out slowly was that the fear would build up terribly before i did it, and then while i was doing it and after - i just had fun and forgot all about fearing once i started.

your saying to go GAL looks like abandoning your H, M and kids?

I had that feeling too in the beginning - almost as if i had to sit at home and hold up the fort until he came back. but sadly what i found out was that that was co-dependency within myself that i had to work on and resolve.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More? if you haven't , I really recommend that you do. It will help you to see where you are at and how that thinking is detrimental not only to yourself but also to your relationship with H and kids.

Instead of seeing it as abandoning them, could you see it as you going out to do fun stuff on your own that you can come back and tell them about and they can get pleasure from seeing your enjoyment?

Another book that would be great for you to read is The Dance of Anger, if you haven't yet. It teaches about how to change the old patterns in relationships, which from what you wrote, sounds as if it is sorely needed.

One mistake I made during my whole marriage was that I was ALWAYS here for h and s. i never went anywhere to do my own thing. and i learned after BD, that that's what they expected and took my presence for granted. i really believe that my h thinks i'll just be here in case he changes his mind. he gets very agitated, even a year later when i do something he doesn't expect.

Have you read anything about Pursuer/Distancer dynamic in relationships? I think it would be wise for you to read and understand about how that works. there's a very good reason the maxim "absence makes the heart grow fonder" exists.

so now to you.

I asked you some questions but didn't get any answers so i'll ask them again.

1. what kind of real support do you have?
2. i sense that you are depressed and i maybe wrong, but do you have a therapist/priest/counselor - someone trained that you can talk to?
3. i asked what you like to do and you answered with family oriented stuff. let's find other things that don't involve your family. it can be simple like joining a book club or going to sit in your local library every tuesday evening for an hour. it doesn't have to be complicated

even though i've been gal'ing for a while now - i find myself thinking sometimes - wow i'm not sure what i like to do on my own, i'm going to have to rediscover that all over again.

so realize that there's no pressure

can you take a class - at the local whatever?

let's find one little thing for now and then when you feel comfortable with that, you'll get excited and new ideas will come

also you said you wanted to make a friend. so let's focus on that too. how can you meet new people? do you go to church, extra activities there, are there meet ups in your area (google meetup dot com and search for hiking, cooking, etc and you'll find the groups - they are really relaxed and easy going)?

so lets choose one or two things to focus on and get you started and then we'll take it from there

would that work for you?

zig