Now I have done my final thing for him, removed the pressure to make a decison about us from him that he put on himself. So I am walking away. I don't care what his reaction or response will be. It could be indifference, anger, or most unlikely caring. But it makes no difference to me. There is not a part of me left that cares. Done is done. I can take not one thing else. I suppose I still do love him, but I am just not in love with him. How is that for irony? And I have no interest in being his friend-that only leads to pain and drama as well, a cheeseless path. He knows that as I have said that from the beginning-no friendship and pretending I am ok with his actions-and he has screamed about that often, but I have never waivered from that decision-that ship sailed long ago. As you all said, he is an adult, responsible for his own actions. Perhaps someday I will get over the crushing guilt I feel right now, but in the meantime, I am focusing on finding a new job, finishing my studies, working out, and taking care of what is left of my family-my kids-the dogs since I have to be both father and mother. I have no interest in another man either as he will likely accuse me. I have no trust left in love or men but that may come back in time as I believe God wants us to be happy.
I think I read someone here say something like "Cue the circus music" and detaching means that you can sit back and just enjoy the show? Well, cue the circus music and the stupidity-but HURRAH this time I did not get sucked in to the drama and crap-the predictability of it all. Emailed me-no answer. Messaged me.-"Where did you go?" South. Repeat for specifity since I am stupid. "I said where did you go specifically?" Virginia. "Why did you go there?" Why not? "I am asking why! did you visit someone-that is my guess" Really? Sightseeing and research. "But you visited with someone!" Research and fun. "What about the things I asked for?" I would not know. "Where in Virginia did you go? Was that where the one picture was from?" Arlington and the lake earlier this summer. "What lake? So you were there alone or with friends?" Michigan and with friends and with a friend. 5 minute delay while he contols his temper I think. "Your many friends as I always said. (One of my many crimes from the days of the blow up was that I had friends) I was sure you went with someone to Virginia and Lake Michigan!" Rudely hang up and no posts. Ok I have to admit I am laughing about the stupidity and predictability but felt no urge to tell him to grow up, to point out that he has friends, one who he is having sex with, to fight with him while he was baiting me with the level of arrogance and stupidity, bang my head on the wall or tell him it was none of his business, and feel no urge to clarify or talk with him. What a 180 and detachment. And it seems the manic posts were just to get my attention. It worked-he got a goodbye and good riddance.
PF - this is the first time you have mentioned that you have two other kids. How old are they? How are they dealing with all this?
Also - reread what you posted:
Quote:
That I helped him write his books and articles even when it was detrimental to my work/health/education? That I was so supportive of his accomplishments/career that I understood when he did not come home when I had heart surgery? That I put up with his sister saying horrible things about me just to make his relationship with her easier? That I pray each day that God give me the pain that is too much for him to bear, and to please help him? You see the truth is that I love this man so very much and I am so scared for him, not for me. So sometimes I get frustrated/scared/angry when he seems just dead inside, when he speaks of crazy things and ending it all, about how he feels as though he is walking around in a fog, and does not care about anything, or see any point in continuing, when he just continuously tears me down with comments about my low IQ, my inability to think, my stupidity, my being old, my being weak, my being irresponsible, my having friends who are trash, my attracting men who are bas****s, my being a B, C**t, Wh**e, my not being a scholar of equal calibur, my being so weak I let others hurt me, my crying too easily, my being unhealthy and fat-at 135, my turning my back on him, my not being faithful to him etc.
Can't you see how completely abusive he was, and how codependent you are? This was psychological abuse. You need to get help with your issues, that you would p[ut up with this. I recommend reading an Al-Anon book called THe Courage to CHange, I think it would be helpful to you in this situation.
Also - just noticed your comment about his rapidly graying hair. This can happen in B12 deficiency (which causes paranoia and dementia) or in autoimmune thyroid disease (more common in families with bipolar disorder, for reasons that aren't entirely clear). I know you're afraid to suggest medical care but if you can, he should be tested for these things.
Also - if the university is telling you that they think he's so dangerous that they're afraid to hire you, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
PF, Perhaps you need to go further? Perhaps no texting or other contact will help you, too. Most of us seem to find that. You need to be able to be calm and detached regardless of what action you decide to take next. This means that you'll be able to move forward minus a lot of emotion, particularly anger.
It sounds as if you are asking yourself if this is worth it, and only you can answer that. But don't be afraid to slow down. Detach and do nothing for a while. Nothing except work on yourself! Focus your fabulous energy on fabulous you....
I had a hard time with anger and still feel angry at times. I think it's natural to feel that, and sadness, but I feel a lot of LBSers are just like "What happened?"
It takes a while to work through that. I think I will always wonder what happened.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Kml, those comments were made during the nuclear spewing and recur at random times when he thinks I am moving too far from him or I have caught him in a lie. Believe me if I thought he was well I would have torn his head off when he said those things, and he never did when he was well. But as it is, I tell him when he is finished spewing, "You know what I think when you say those things?" He always asks what. "So what? Do you think that hurts me? I could give a damn." Then on the rare (now) occasions that it resumes, I tell him, "So what I am done." And when that does not work and he gets violent, punching walls, swinging his arms wildly, and throwing things, I know just what will reduce him to tears everytime-"So what-I have a MAN, get over it, I don't want you, so just let the anger go." He always ends up in the bathroom crying to that one, and comes out to tell me we are now mortal enemies but within 15 minutes of saying that he switches to "come workout with me" or "here is some material for you research" or some other nice thing. Yes, I know not very kind on my part, but if I try to be nice or understanding he just continues to attack, threaten to leave and never talk to me again, sue me for custody, take the dogs or some other ridiculousness to which I always respond, "Go ahead if you think that is what you want to do." And he never does. I think it is just a power play to see if I will cry and beg him to stay. Not happening by the way. At least he quit punching himself in the face when I told him that looked childish to me and I really did not care if he did that as it did not scare or impress me.
Forward-working on the calm and detached. Tougher some days than others. Yoga helps as does long sessions, sometimes hours of working out. Once he returns to the university I will not see him again so if I get through this next 9 days without losing my cool, I am home free.
Yes, I am asking myself if this is worth it. Right now it is just not, not while he is in Replay, blowing up everything in his path and acting so indecisive and weak (I don't know how I feel about you blah blah blah). But then when he was here after the university for a few days, I really enjoyed him and he was much more like himself. So a tiny ray of hope crept in that he would return to a semblance of normal although my brain was kicking my heart around for thinking that way. Luckily the brain won and I walked away without crying or being upset in front of him. Then the manic nonsense of the week started and the hope was quickly stomped on. So return to anger, and could not talk to him for a week. And today the jealous controlling man stuck his head out and baited me, but when I did not take the bait, he left and child appeared. He seems to be distancing himself since we were so close those days he was here, to perhaps see if I will chase him. I did not so sulky child reappeared and went off in a huff. All I could think of at the time was, this is so funny-hope he enjoyed that because I just do not care.
Speaking of idiocy-what is his problem with my having friends-how is that a sin? He has complained about that since we split up-how I have friends and he is a misanthrope-sure a misanthrope who is sleeping with a child and has 70+ FB friends-although only the students comment anymore, and few of those, can't stand to be alone for even a few days,
Yes, I will take your suggestion and slow down, do nothing and just watch the circus go by. I do tend to jump in to things with both feet when I have made a decision, and regret not thinking it through more thoroughly. I think this new behavior is a change of script that he is trying to analyze and assess my seriousness which is why I got sulky child this morning instead of spewing monster. He was not expecting me to open the cage door and say be free. Next time he will test my resolve I am sure with baiting, and a perhaps even a few crumbs of affection thrown my way if I do not fall for the baiting. Probably get the maybe, maybe line again(vague promises) and then a few random acts of kindness, and then talk of how I should see his new house, and if that does not work to make me jump through hoops and glow, the depression monster will show his face hinting at suicide and tears. What a boring script they all follow. So have to prepare canned answers to all those scenarios so I do not fall into heart over mind. Then once he leaves for the university, after having seen the calm light here, I fully intend to go with No Contact. He can crash and burn down there or limp along as he is with the little girl-not my problem.
Then it is time to fully implement my work on myself, not that I am not working on some of that now too. Fabulous energy? Well I will need it so I hope I have it. I do not like being an angry person. Thanks for the rational advice. Slowing down is hard for a person who is used to moving at mach speed with her hair on fire buring the candle at both ends.
please, take a breath. You have OTHER kids with him? You only just mentioned that and then ignored KMLs questions about THEM...
and about the university saying it's NOT SAFE TO HIRE YOU b/c they think he's nutty and dangerous...
and the very next post(s) by you all deal with more minute details of his wacky behavior and how you'll plan every comment and word and look and reaction to him and blah blah blah....
what is going on? DETACH for a minute and back off ---get some distance--to see how insane this sounds to us.
Stop the dance - b/c it's not a healthy one....and you keep participating. and see a professional who can help you see through the fog of all this drama.
I know you're educated but THIS IS NOT part of your educational genius dance with another brilliant guy
and all that...
it's just a lot of neurotic hyper activity w/2 adults NOT putting the kids' interests even into the equation, and I mean no offense by that but from what I've heard so far...
I feel I must ask-
how on earth are your children doing???????
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was thinking the same thing. I don't think you realize how obsessive you're coming across. I forgot if you had mentioned if you were still seeing a C, but if you're not, it may be good to keep it in mind to keep your thoughts concentrated.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Whoa Whoa Whoa-It seems some of you are misinterpreting what I wrote-again likely my usual speed of movement. I said I have kids-2dogs that I have to be mother and father to now, not that I have human children. If I was not clear somehow about that I am sorry. I thought I was clear.
As to this being "NOT part of your educational genius dance with another brilliant guy" I think it is in many ways. I am dealing with a man with a verified IQ over 200 easily. And it is part of my job to analyze behavior-an occupational hazard-where I crawl into the head and soul of the person to figure out their next move or motivation, explain why they did things to a jury and judge, predict future criminal behavior, predict future aggressive-even military behavior, and predict behaviors related to PTSD, and I am paid very handsomely to do those things by the government, prosecution, defense attorneys, and law enforcement authorities. And I understand well the risks both mental and physical to myself of participating in analyzing such activities using this method. But I also know exactly where the line is so that I can step back from it when it gets too dangerous or all encompassing-hence my choice to take a week off from being in contact with him.
So what seems to be obsessive behavior to some is really my method of detaching-I am treating him like a subject not the man I love. I assure you that I spend less than 30 minutes a day on him, clear my thoughts here, and then return to my job, my life and my outside interests. Then the subconcious thinking and sorting occurs. I have always been able to consider a situation before bed, then awaken with an answer in the morning after a good night's sleep. Because of his high IQ and the emotionally charged nature of the relationship I have to plan the contours of what I say to him also just as I do when I speak with a serial killer or drug dealer. It keeps me focused on the task at hand without letting emotion take over or being sidetraced and personalizing the spew. It also gives me the option of an out when things spiral out of control. Again part of detaching for me and treating him like a subject.
It occurs that this method may seem odd to some of you and I understand that. But in my employment, looking at the small details is often the key to understanding bigger things-it is how I have been able to help find victims of crimes, dead bodies, missing children, trafficed persons, trace drug shipment routes, trace drug money, that sort of thing, and most recently work with those who have PTSD. So my method works for me but is at times painful as well.
My goal here is not currently to save my relationship with him necessarily and I have no tears and begging for answers in me. Instead I am studying him as a subject at this point, and the method is only made possible because he is in a fog and cannot think clearly enough to see I am observing his behavior, again part of my healing and detachment.
