MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

For the last few days I've considered moving out for a few months with D18, for me to figure out, me.

I thought of leaving for Vegas, (our original plan for the family pre MLC) but then I thought today maybe I should ( if I could) consider going into the city.

Staying close enough so that he can visit me, go for lunch, work on being friends again, talk on neutral ground and then go our separate way for reflection.

I don't really know how possible that is but, I have this need to not be so accessible. He has to know what he's missing, in order to know if he misses it enough to work for it.

I need to know if I would miss him. If I would like the single life with new adventures, recognizing new things about myself, meet new people. Everyone has something to offer in life, a new prospective would be refreshing.

[~ kd ~]

Couple things, DM...

First... so... what is your answer to him getting you a car?

Second... let's say your H was just a friend... how would you support him in working through his... time of "confusion"?

Third... multi part, maybe... how would moving out be helpful for you? for your M? Why Vegas? (would that be YOU running away? how far do you want to run?)... and perhaps more to the point here... what IS your goal? Do you want to R? Or are you done and just want to move on?

Oh... as far as him missing you...

Think about this... what's the "best part" that he KNOWS... that YOU know... RIGHT NOW... about you... that he really would miss...? ie. Will he miss something that he originally ran away from, or will he miss something freakin' amazing, that he didn't have with you, prior to your sitch?

You are correct that everyone has something to offer. Be careful of the "grass is greener" syndrome... as your H... ALSO... has the potential to offer something... at least maybe... or maybe not...

[albamarie]

Thanks, KD for pointing out my H may still have potential to offer something....

I think I am falling into the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I have to hold hope that I "can" do better if this M doesn't work out. Otherwise, why would I even consider a life without H if this is as good as it gets.

Don't get me wrong...I still weight out a better life with H as my first priority. But, the hope I hold out for it is so far fetched (to me at this time) that I tend to dismiss it....in one part of my brain....out the other.

I think I am reacting to the sickness I"m feeling, form the boring monotonous monotones of his voice spewing all of the crap that comes out of his mouth.

Wow! Say that 5x's. I can read into my anger as I write these words better than pacing around thinking to myself.

As a family, three yrs ago we chose a suburb just outside of Vegas to look for a second home. We stayed a month looking at real estate, colleges, union halls, and fell in love with the year round outdoor activities. This was a consideration originally because of the type of business H and S21, S25 provide in Tech. Staging.

Your right though it would be part running away...and running to something for myself.

I wasn't thinking of him missing me, because that's not really his personality. I was thinking...make it a little harder, were he has to make an actual effort to want to be with me in the moment.

I am working with H very much...with kindness, love, patients and support. His "confusion" is teaching me something new everyday...reveling some truths about myself I knew I was suppressing.

Sometimes, I think moving out would help me because I don't have to be witness to his late arrivals, be around for his rants, be privy to his crazy talk, or exposed to his depression. Those are not really "for me" reasons...there more "running from" reasons.

Last night my friend advised to get the car. GAL with my car...work, visits family more, drive to neighboring states (like I used to), visit the city, museums ect...then go home, to my family. He took that freedom from me when he needed my car because he trashed his own.

She said leaving may only bring me back home to the same unresolved issues.

I know I'm not "done" with my M. I just don't see how it would get any better. Time? Patients? Abuse? Respect? Disrespect? Loneliness? There is no easy answer.

If he was to missed anything in my absence, be it GAL or moving out it would be accessibly. He takes it for granted..."I have a family, nothing can take that away". He's arrogant! As far as me personally...not sure what he values anymore in me.

[~ kd ~]

Good stuff, DM.

Only a couple things popped out at me on first read:

I think I am falling into the "grass is greener" syndrome, but [b]I have to hold hope that I "can" do better if this M doesn't work out.[b/]

I do understand that thinking. Here is maybe an alternative.

Why compare? It is unlikely that you will "forget" what "didn't work" in this M.

By thinking "I would like (this, this and this) and not (this and this) in my next R", then it does not exclude your H, yet it still achieves the same objective. Your H may or may not step up and fit those needs. It just doesn't have to exclude him.

If he was to missed anything in my absence, be it GAL or moving out it would be accessibly. He takes it for granted..."I have a family, nothing can take that away". He's arrogant! As far as me personally...not sure what he values anymore in me.

What you say above COULD be true. And does appear fairly (self) limiting.

What ELSE could he miss? What else could you do for YOU (better or new), that might ALSO be something he might want and / or miss?

Not to do it FOR him and not to lose focus on things that may be MORE important. Just for consideration of thought.

[albamarie]

I don't want to exclude him...I'm so scared to have hope for him, us!

He very well could fit into this new me I'm trying to invent (little by little) but maybe he won't be enough for me anymore. That's the real scare....I will find "him" inferrer to my expectations, needs, wants!

His MLC is teaching me alot about myself here!!! It's like he's asked me one to many times if he "looks fat in those jean" and finally I say YES your a lard a$$!.

I'm sure anything I do for me will be seen as great to him, but he doesn't interpret anything as great for him, because he's undeserving!

Doing for me is my upward struggle here....

Thank KD-you have great responses! You make me think!

[albamarie]

I am having great restraint right now because I can come here and be reminded of my goals and all the hard work I have done so far.

Instead of crying, getting depressed or lashing out at my a$$ of an H. I am reading, writing and understanding it's about me...H gets none of me anymore, that I'm not willing to give.

Good night DBers....we all deserve a good night!!!

[labug]

Good thought, be the Dawnmarie you were always meant to be. This is your chance.

[albamarie]

Thanks labug- I feel stronger today...more empowered as my H feels like crap.

He asked if he should leave the house...I said I've stopped making decisions for him a long time ago.

His poor me tacked didn't goad me this time! I'm cool as a cucumber.

Of to GAL looking for a new car!!!

[albamarie]

I did it! I bought myself a car - alone (w/D18) my in my name only!

Just took a ride through the backwoods of the neighboring suburbs with the sunroof open...I think I might like this GAL thing.

My long road just got a little better....nothing like feeling free to be free.

Tom. I start looking for a pt job...now I really needs some friends.

H doesn't know yet....he was depressed when I got home so I passed him up and grabbed my S's. I wasn't going to let him be a downer.

[needgrace]

Congrats!! Glad you are enjoying your new ride! It is so empowering to make these decisions isn't it? Love that you did not let H's mood change yours. Enjoy and good luck with the job search.