Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[mshaf]

He may not feel comfortable discussing possible GF with "mutual friends". This is mind reading though. Only your H knows why he dosen't discuss possible GF.

On a side note, it sounds like your friends are trying to help but that can backfire. You said earlier it already has. Why not thank friends for their concern and gently let them know it is a private matter between you and H?

As a LBS I am sure you can come up with enough questions on your own without outside influence.

To detach you are going to have to reduce these questions about what H is doing, thinking, feeling, etc. This may be harder to do w/ helpful friends who give updates on H.

[Mrs D]

Thanks M - you know I thought that, but he is all over the mutual friends that live two houses from me. Almost like, hes been hurt for so long, he wants me to hurt? IDK.

I have asked my friends to stop telling me what hes doing, how hes doing it, etc. They really havent shared anything since Friday last week, but in the same hand - he had our son last weekend so he was with him.

I honestly think shes there to fill his time. I remember when we first started dating - he told everyone about me, etc. Just dont get the same vibe with her, but i could be wrong.

[mshaf]

Thanks M - you know I thought that, but he is all over the mutual friends that live two houses from me. Almost like, hes been hurt for so long, he wants me to hurt? IDK.

I honestly think shes there to fill his time. I remember when we first started dating - he told everyone about me, etc. Just dont get the same vibe with her, but i could be wrong.

Mrs. D,

Trust me for your own sanity you have to quit worrying what he is thinking. You won't ever know what is going on in his head right now. Down the road if you discuss this when communication is better between you, he probably won't remember why he spent time at mutual friend's house or why he talked about possible GF less than he talked about you.

So if you will never know why drive yourself crazy thinking about all the possibilities.

Just accept the fact that right now he is going to do things you won't understand. The less time you spend focusing on your H, the more time you have to focus on yourself and the improvements you will be making.

[Mrs D]

M - thank you for the swift kick - I really do need it most days. I need to focus on me. Until Im a better person, its not going to matter anyway, right? I think this is Gods message to me to wake up. Fix myself. Get back to the person I used to be, but better. God had a plan for us before. Id like to think the plan is still in motion - just needed a time out to get myself fixed.

[Breakdown]

Do you understand why you had the affair? What needs were not being met? Did you try to discuss with H? After that, did you try to rebuild trust? It sounds like you got into the texting thing with your trainer, and while your H wanted to trust you, you continued to tear it down. Do you know why? I totally understand the bit about not feeling like you deserve the love...dig into that. Figure out why.

With regards to the detaching, remember what attracted your H to you in the first place....I'm sure you were happy and confident. You need to get back to that. You can't go chasing him around or begging him to come back....start it easy, be happy, confident...a flirty friend.

[mshaf]

Mrs. D,

I know you can do it. Remember,no matter what you will be a better person.

[Mrs D]

Breakdown - I am in therapy now to find out fhe core issues. We tried counseling together at one point, but we quit seeing her because she wasnt the right fit for me. She focused more on the drinking I did then, rather than the affair. Im not a big drinker. I felt the drinking led up to the affair, yes. But it was not the cause. Admittedly I was wrong thinking we could work our problems on our own. If wed have stayed, we may not be here now.

My Ex always thought MLC. I denied it at the time, but after reading some of the MLC forum - its possible. Throw that in with the guilt and the same I felt after -i nothing got better. Bless my ex -. He tried. Up until 4he weeks ago, he tried. Sadly it took me losing him to realize what I had, how much I love him, how much I need to make changes. I took him for granted and was very selfish till the end -of still knowing I wanted and love him - just not sure how to make the changes and to stubborn to ask for help.
So. This is now my life. And I really hope that I can go through therapy, learn more about MY issues and become a better person. I made alot of mistakes that have hurt him. But it was the constant texts to the trainer that ended it. I am not in anyway in contact with the trainer at all. I guess its been atleast four weeks if not five we have had contact. My ex feels that if its not the trainer, itll be someone else. Fact is, I never wanted anything from the trainer but friendship. I didnt make my ex my priority. Now I have nothing.

[Mrs D]

Thanks M. Im such an impatient person. I know that i need to learn that first and foremost. I just love him, you know? I know you cant make someone return till they want to. I guess I think of all the things he did while trying to win me over and thought I should do the same. Then I think maybe if he would have stepped back and let me figure things out instead of always beinv there ... maybe we wouldnt be here either? Idk. Grasping for anything at this point.

[MrBond]

"We have alot of mutual friends. A couple that have met the girl he says isnt his GF, and then two other couples that havent met her, he hasnt spoke much of her - and when they ask questions, he avoids and changes the subject. What is your take on that?"

My take is that you're thinking too much about this GF. If they break up and he's done with you, then he could very well find another one right away.

There's always still that measure of shame and embarassment he could be feeling. I mean no one wants to admit that they're seeing someone else because their spouse cheated on them with someone else.

No sense in figuring out why.

[Mrs D]

Makes sense MrB. I know i am over thinking the girl. I also know in order to detach I need to stop and focus on other things. So tonight I decided to make banana bread because I have way to many over ripe bananas. Offered one to my ex when he brought my son home and he took it. Im taking Cadets advise (I believe) and doing things that made him fall in love with me in the first place. I had made three loaves. My son and I cant eat them all. Was that wrong?

Conversation was kept light when he stopped by. I was actually pretty proud of myself I didnt pounce MrB!! I like to call this baby steps.