Underdog -
Quote:

I have to find some DB way of making this issue critical--that is, I refuse to go back to the old M. It's a deal breaker for me, after 1+ year of separation and almost 18 months of no sex... I don't want to come to the table with a list of ultimatums but I think they really are.



You know, it's really hard for the WAS to come home. I was just having this discussion with my H this morning - how the depressed WAS gets that way both from their biochemical depression AND the way that interacts with them not getting their needs met in the marriage, or their MLC fears of aging, or their problems in their job, or whatever.The two things compound to make the depression worse, and the affair offers the "quick relief" of those brain chemicals associated with infatuation. When that wears off, the thought of returning home to that old R where they first got depressed is frightening - even more so because now they've totally screwed up what they did have in the R. It takes a lot of courage to face that. My H's comment a couple of days ago - "it's like surviving a plane crash. Who wants to go back and talk about it??".

The emphasis on a NEW R is good - he'll want that too. He'll also need to know that you CAN forgive him - that he won't be constantly nagged and reminded what a jerk he was. Unfortunately, entirely reasonable requests and boundaries on your part can feel like you haven't forgiven him. So no ultimatums. Take your time - there's plenty of time to discuss some of these things after your R is back on track. Go out with him without drinking - he may want your companionship, it doesn't have to mean you party hearty Just don't ignore his need for you to be his playmate - have fun with him. Growing up and becoming responsible doesn't have to mean giving up your playful side.

As to the depression - I told JSTX that I was going to work on a "stealth" approach to treating the unwilling depressed partner A little fish oil, B vitamins, special lights - who knows??

Ellie