btw, afterward, she doesn't remember saying ANY of that stuff.
The above, to me, is quite relevant to this.
First, do you BELIEVE she doesn't remember?
Second, did your W have a bad memory BEFORE the problems with your sitch?
It's my opinion that a WAS DOES remember and a MLCer truly may not.
Taking my W out of the MLC label, she may never have had a really good biological memory. What she DID do, was write everything down on a calender. I simply took that as a way for her to co-ordinate a busy schedule.
What I DO know is, right now, we will have conversations and she will email me within 24 hours to ask what was decided. Or she'll email me something and then email me again (again within a 24 hour period) to say she can not remember what she just emailed me hours before, so she's confirming what she said (which can be the same or different than what she wrote, before). And unless she's changed this behaviour... she's not likely to have deleted items from her "sent" folder, so could refer back.
Anyhow, confusion and forgetfulness seems to be some indicators used in considering MLC. Personally, I have no doubt whatsoever, my W's forgetfulness is genuine. Others may think different of my W or their own spouses.
I do also wonder Starsky, from what you write, the truth for you is, even if you believed your W was MLC or had some PD or medical condition... you would have proceeded exactly the same. Would that be about right?
And again, I don't think it's right or wrong. I definitely understand and without a doubt, what worked for your sitch, worked.
One thing I will say about this website. There are many stand up people here, you(Starsky being one of them). It gives me hope to see people in difficult situations making difficult decsions and being a rock when there own world is imploding.
Strength of character is born out of the situations we have all faced and will continue to face.
I for one would not trade the life I have led to this point. I have had some significant losses but have also gained immensely from people I have met(and online as well) that have made this journey worthwhile.
Even know I have not met anybody on this website personally, the integrity, honesty and humbleness ooze through the words as we all tell our stories and try to help one another.
One thing I will say about this website. There are many stand up people here, you(Starsky being one of them). It gives me hope to see people in difficult situations making difficult decsions and being a rock when there own world is imploding.
Strength of character is born out of the situations we have all faced and will continue to face.
I for one would not trade the life I have led to this point. I have had some significant losses but have also gained immensely from people I have met(and online as well) that have made this journey worthwhile.
Even know I have not met anybody on this website personally, the integrity, honesty and humbleness ooze through the words as we all tell our stories and try to help one another.
Perhaps... a theory, if you will... the transitions become a crises... perhaps in part... perhaps in LARGE part... that the person in transition begins to feel smothered by the LBS, when all the WAS wants... is space. ie. The LBS recognizes there's a problem and begins to focus on the WAS and the WAS is really just trying to work out their transition and the LBS is interfering... thus, the crises...
This hit home for me.
H told me he needed space. That's where this started for me. He wanted space. And I freaked out. I did smother him. I panicked, I grew more and more afraid and instead of giving him what he needed, I focused on my own fears and insecurities.
I did not listen, nor did I act out of love. I acted out of fear.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Don't beat yourself up. I don't know the details of your sitch, but judging from your timeline, I would plausibly guess that your husband's request for "space" was the usual script which can be translated:
"I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."
I'm not saying that any begging/pleading/pursuit was the right thing to do, but had you done the opposite, it likely would have been even worse.
Thank you for your feedback. I never thought about it that way to be honest. I have put a lot of blame on myself for not giving him the ' space' he asked for.
But when I read what you wrote...something clicked, because what is not in my timeline ( not enough characters) is that when he moved out- he moved in with her for the first two months before finding his own place.
I suspect you may think I have waited too long before taking a stronger stance, and i respect what you did so much. When I read how you stood for your M and family and W - I want to gain that strength too. thats what I want
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I want to be stronger because the past two years took a lot out of me. DB is helping me regain my strength back.
Thanks again
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I suspect you may think I have waited too long before taking a stronger stance, . . .
Busting, I don't know you -- or your sitch -- well enough to even comment fairly. However, having studied literally thousands of affairs, I've learned that by the time most people hit a marital website like this, the odds of success are pretty low regardless. All we can do is give ourselves the BEST shot at success.
Your husband very likely was going to do what he was going to do.
