It is hard and it can feel a bit like game playing as if you're playing hard to get. But your W was hurting a lot when you were emotionally unavailable, depressed, and in your own words belittling. So give her that space to heal from that and let her see you as a safe place to be herself again. right now she doesn't see it that way but she could again if you keep the road home paved smooth.
Brit,
As always I definitely appreciate the perspective from a VET like you, as well as the perspective you offer as the W. I will continue to stay strong, but will definitely need continued nudges from you guys...LoL
It does kind of feel like a game for right now, but I guess that stage will pass once I truly emotionally Detach & release the worries etc...
I am digging the metaphors! I have always found metaphors a good way for me and many people to grasp a concept a lot easier...LoL
One question I do have is: If she sends a txt & it is more informative, should I reply back with an ok to acknowledge? Or let it go & only reply to those that need acknowledgement? (i.e. Got a txt 2day that stated she couldn't make it to daughters softball game & that I would have to take kids to school in morning cause she will be into work late)
If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
Agreed. Have you read DR? Specifically the chapter on LRT?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
Agreed. Have you read DR? Specifically the chapter on LRT?
Cracking up that you called me a vet. and holy hell H does this all time:
Quote:
"Sorry, just saw this -- busy day!
sometimes 2 days later. I told you he DB's way better than me and doesn't even want to DB! LOL.
Someone once said as long as your thoughts are on your H(W) then they aren't on you. And if his(her) thoughts aren't on you then no one in the sitch is thinkging about you....anyway what got to me is that I am worth time and energy and that by detaching I took my focus and energy off him and put it on me and I found that I was giving so much of my time to thinking about him that I was empty inside and I didn't know until devote so much of my energy to myself. I hope that makes sense.
If you feel like texting or calling here post here first and give it 24 hours. I learned that if I stopped reacting to my emotion, I generally made a better decision later on!
If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
Agreed. Have you read DR? Specifically the chapter on LRT?
Ummm... I would hope that you've read it Starsky! LOL! I'm asking Suppo.
Are you asking me? Or Suppo??
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
Agreed. Have you read DR? Specifically the chapter on LRT?
Are you asking me? Or Suppo??
Ummm... I would hope that you've read it Starsky! LOL! I'm asking Suppo.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I told you he DB's way better than me and doesn't even want to DB! LOL.
Actually much of DB requires behavior that the WAS has already mastered.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Someone once said as long as your thoughts are on your H(W) then they aren't on you. And if his(her) thoughts aren't on you then no one in the sitch is thinkging about you
Excellent. Brit I love this. We need to focus on ourselves! It's so true.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
