My H was took a very long time making the slighest decission in most everything. Many times, he just shook his head and didn't make a decision at all. Over time, it became very tiring for me. It was not attractive.
I wanted my H to be more of a "take charge" kind of man. I wanted him to be the leader of our family. It was a major problem, and I believe I began losing a certain amount of respect for him b/c I identified his lack of taking charge with "weakness".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know that this may be hard to hear, and it is something that I still struggle to accept, but as long as there is anger and there is sadness, and there is unhappiness then there is still love. All of these negative emotions, while not good for your relationship, are indicators that he/she still has feelings for you. It is when they stop having any kind of reaction to you at all that you should worry. Your job (and mine) is not to change how they feel but to change how we deal with our spouse and improve ourselves. Make your 180s and stick to them. This time is about you and making you into the person YOU want to be.
Very good perspective. I really needed to read this today. Thank you!
I am glad that this helped you. Like I said, it is something that I still struggle with, sometimes on a daily basis. It is not an easy thing to bear and it can be confusing at times. Just hang in there, keep your head up, and keep hope alive.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
So let's assume for a minute, and this is a big assumption, and a stretch, that my my wife likes me the way I am; she just doesn't want to be tied down in a marriage.
Am I supposed to just accept that and move on ?
If you've read my previous threads from years ago, my wife wanted me to sign the papers and I refused because I felt she was making a big mistake (OM)
over the past year or two she has thanked me for not signing them, saying she didn't know where her head was.
Is it selfish of me to not sign them if I feel like we can save our marriage ? Am I being naive ?
She's 26, almost 27. She goes back and forth on many decisions she makes. Easily influenced by others opinions and suggestions.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
So let's assume for a minute, and this is a big assumption, and a stretch, that my my wife likes me the way I am; she just doesn't want to be tied down in a marriage.
Am I supposed to just accept that and move on ?
Assuming (and I'm sure that you know what happens when you assume) that to be the case then yes you have to accept that and move on. If that is how your wife feels then that is out of your hands. It is something that you can't control or change. However, moving on doesn't mean giving up.
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Is it selfish of me to not sign them if I feel like we can save our marriage ? Am I being naive ?
That is a tough question to answer. However the best answer is the standard one that professors give in law school; it depends. There are a lot of factors that go into answering a question like this and I don't (and maybe you don't) have all the information to give a simple answer.
Maybe this little exercise will help. I am going to ask you three questions and you need to answer them honestly and objectively. You don't have to share your answers here, but you do need to answer them.
1) What are the qualities that made your marriage work? What were the things that made you fall in love with your W and stay in love with her?
2) What are some of the problems in your relationship? What things did you not like about being married to your W?
3) Why do you want to save your marriage?
Number three is the most important and perhaps the hardest one for people to answer objectively. Instead we tell ourselves things like "I can't live without her," or "she was my whole life," or "I'll never find anyone else who wants to be with me," or even "she was the best thing that ever happened to me." Although in my case that last one is close to an objective statement. However, it is important to stay objective because the truth is that you will survive and you will find someone new if it comes to that.
So to answer your second set of questions you need to answer the three questions I posed to you and then think about your answers. I bet that you can answer the questions about selfishness and naivety on your own after that.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
1. Qualities that made it work: we could always talk to each other about anything, we were always each others shoulders to cry on, we always support each other in everything we do, always look forward to spending time with each other. We play off each other a lot too. We know each other and respect each other.
2. The only problems we ever had were OM (4 years ago) and the way she's feeling now. The only things I didn't like were how she became nasty when OM came into the picture, and how she is depressed now and won't open up to me about it.
3. I want to save my marriage because I feel we bring the best out in each other, make each other feel safe, and we're best friends. Some times my wife gets down in the dumps when life gets to be too much to handle, and she starts to question things. I still love her despite everything that has happened in 7 years.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
