And I can keep focusing on the positive things, like being off moderation now!
I'm going to do a little journaling now while I wait for the good advice that keeps coming from this board. Plus, I'm sure i'll be posing plenty more questions in the process..Just keeping you on your toes :p
I must admit I had a pretty great weekend. Or at least a great weekend-sandwich. Friday night I took my puppy (11 months old now, originally purchased to help break W out of a funk, now doing that for me every day!) over to a friend's house for a "Puppy play date". Ended up spending the night, as the friend and I got into a deep talk about my sitch and had a few too many drinks while the doggies were having a blast in the back yard. Although I didn't at all agree with most of the advice my friend gave me (most of which goes very counter to DB/DR stuff) It was still nice to have a fresh set of ears to listen.
Saturday wasn't the greatest day, as the dogs woke us up at 8 am and I had a pretty bad hangover... So I spent most of the day sleeping it off on the couch. Once I felt fully recovered, I reached out to a few friends, who were busy or too far away to hang out with, so I decided to just stay in, rent a couple movies and call it a night. This was both a good and bad decision: I loved the movies I saw and my wallet enjoyed me staying in for the night, but I repeatedly thought to myself how much W would like this movie or how much I miss our lazy nights at home doing exactly what I was doing right then. Plus, the fact that I knew she was out having a good time (possibly with OM, possibly not, as I've said, she's never admitted to having a PA with OM) as she'd told me were her plans the last time we talked, crept into my mind a few times. Thankfully, I didn't try to text her or email her (like I would have a few months ago) but the sadness still crept in.
Side note: During our last conversation, when she told me about her plans for getting dolled up over the weekend to volunteer at a black-tie type event and dance, she told me she'd be sure to send a picture of how she looked that night. I was torn by this... both wanting to see how gorgeous she is and not sure if I'd be able to handle it... Thankfully, the picture never arrived. And, up to this point, I haven't gone looking at Social Media sites where I'm sure they're posted to have a gander. I hope I can keep this up, as I'm not sure what I'd gain from looking...
Anyway, woke up early on Sunday, ready to get out of the house and do something. Sundays are always the toughest day for me, as these were the days W and I looked forward to so much. Thankfully, my brother texted me early in the morning inviting me down to hang out at the SUPER fancy hotel and spa that a bunch of our friends were staying at for the weekend. I headed down there, worked out at the gym, hung at the pool for a few hours, and even hit the Spa! This was the first time I'd ever been to a spa (and is totally uncharacteristic of me to do) but I gave it a shot anyway. Although I'm not sure i'll be visiting saunas, steam rooms, etc... much in the future, there were plenty of new experiences that were pretty fun... And for the most part, my PMA worked out. I did find myself looking at a bunch of the couples that were EVERYWHERE and wishing that I had someone to share these experiences with... (aside from all the couples that invited me to hang out).
So today I'm thinking about striking that balance between continuing to be W's friend and not being sad when progress in the R seems to not be taking place. I read through the "More Nuggets of Wisdom" archive thread and found a great quote from Hacker that I really like:
Originally Posted By: hacker
You don't go dark just for the sake of going dark. You go dark when everything else has failed and there is no hope left. I don't think you are at that point... If you can keep the conversations going and focus on her being your friend right now, that's good. Forget the overall goal and stick to baby goals.
Now maybe I should start working on baby goals (while continuing to work on detaching).
Something as small as making her laugh the next time we talk might work...
I also read in the "Nuggets" section a couple lines (again from Hacker I believe) about the shift he went through in going from "Needing to be with his W" to "Wanting to be with his W, as in to walk through life together". HUGE difference there... and something to give a lot of though to personally.
