Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver,

So most of these occurred after you guys had agreed to work on reconciliation. From what I understand. Your W had a difficult time letting go of OM and seemed to be torn between you and OM, however, she had expressed that she loved you and wanted to give it another go.

We never agreed to reconcile until this most recent go around. When we were in periods of hanging out, spending lots of time together, dating, whatever you want to call it, W's position was that she was 'trying' to forgive me and fall back in love with me. She always said that she loved me. But there was a wall that she just had a very hard time breaking down. IMO, it was all about the hurt that she felt from my prior actions and her fear that if she came back and opened her heart to me that she would just be hurt again.

OM presented an "opportunity for happiness with out [me]" for my W. She had a hard time letting go of THAT. I don't think that it was OM himself, if that makes sense. Listen, he had spent months 'supporting' my W and listening to her complaints about me. He had the playbook. He provided her the things that I hadn't before. She had been starved for these things for a very long time. It was difficult for my W to believe that she could get them from me after not having gotten them for so long, and after having received them from OM, it was something that was hard to let go of.

But she said throughout, that I felt like 'home' to her.

That's what she was torn between.

It wasn't until I had demonstrated for a very long time that I had changed, understood what she needed, and was capable of giving that to her... and then, at the end, taking myself away from her altogether, that my W was finally able to figure it out.

So yes, there were long periods of time when she and I would spend lots of time together. Her trying to break down that wall, and me trying to show her that she could trust me with her heart. But at all times, my position was that if OM was a part of her life, that I would not be an active part of her life.

You talk about moments when you went "dark" and I realize you do need a certain amount of detachment to do this but how about being detached without going dark? Did you experience this? A time when although you were still in touch with your W regularly, her actions and words didn't affect you and you were able to stay cheerful (or at least act "as if" successfully) and get on with your life.

Honestly, the answer is no. I never was able to really fully detach. The closest that I came was in August/Sept of 2011. I briefly dated a girl in August (which was a huge mistake for me personally btw). And when that ended, the lawfirm that I co-owned broke apart. I had to focus on dealing with the business S with my biz partner and building a new law firm in September and October. So my mind was distracted away from what my W was doing. So I was somewhat detached by the distraction of OW and then by my career.

I had gone dark on her in August because she began to spend time and talk to OM again. In September, she began to initiate contact with me. I kept conversations short, ended them first, didn't always respond to texts or voice messages, but was otherwise polite and upbeat when I did speak with her.

In a sense I was becoming detached at this point, and wasn't dark. But I was not fully detached. In my mind, I was just letting my W figure her life out while I focused on mine. I loved her from a distance and did not allow my thoughts to be constantly consumed by what she was or was not doing.

By the end of September, she was telling me that OM was out of her life again and that she wanted to work on us... towards reconciliation. She still wouldn't commit to it though.

Same thing in January of this year. We had gone from Oct through middle of January spending lots, and lots of time together, without W committing to R. Then I found out that she had spent some time with OM one week in January. I had set a boundary, so I enforced it by removing myself from her life immediately. The same cycle repeated albeit much shorter this time. By early February she was again saying that she was done with OM and wanted to work on us. Actually, this was, for the most part the end of OM even though he still lurked and W had not completely resolved her feelings for him or the thought that he was her alternate 'opportunity for happiness' so to speak.

I guess I'm asking because I'm realizing that there is nothing I can do now to get her away from OM so my only alternative is to completely detach (so I don't live in constant pain) or simply give up.

You're not ready to give up, so what I suggest is that you do what I did in August/Sept of 2011 and in January of 2012. Remove yourself as much as possible. Love her from a distance. Lovingly detach in other words. Keep your conversations and contact limited to what is necessary for your D. Maybe this is a good way to say it... be an active part of your D's life, but do not be an active part of your W's life... she is with an OM right now. IMO, she needs to know that the consequence of that is that she no longer has you to be there for her in any way other than as the father of her child.

I'm not ready to give up yet because, somehow, I still believe my W is somewhere in that body and that, once she comes out of that tunnel, we have a chance at a fantastic future together. Now I can't go "dark" because I'm taking care of D8, and W does come around often enough.

Can you not work out a plan where your W is not around when you have D and you are not around when she has D? Again, you need to remove yourself from your W's life as long as OM is a part of it. IMO.

at least, she is close enough that she will see/has seen the changes is me and,

She needs to see this from afar, and during the brief moments of contact that YOU allow. Right now, IMO, that should come in the context of your D only.

I'd love to hear more on the effects of detachment in the case of an A.

(I guess that since I still care about the outcome, I am not truly detached but I am as detached as I wish to be for the time being)

Being detached does not mean that you stop caring. You love from a distance. The moment that you become ambivalent, I believe that you will move on and your M will be over.

Lovingly detach.

Unfortunately, nothing is going to happen as long as OM is part of your W's life. As long as whatever it is that she thinks that he offers is in her head, she will not be open to R.

She has to work through this on your own. She has to resolve these feelings. You cannot force it to happen, or expedite it. Trust me on this. I tried everything that I could. I tried to will it to happen. It is just something that we have no control over.

So where does that leave you? It leaves you waiting for your W to figure it out. Personally, I wish that I had listened to others here and not tortured myself so much during the periods when I was where you are now. I wish that I would have used the time to GAL more. Not that I didn't do some, but I never fully enjoyed it. I don't want to say to sit back an enjoy the ride, because you are not going to enjoy much about this ride. But maybe, you sit back, try to relax a bit, find a bit of peace and happiness where you can, continue to love your W from afar, and let the ride happen.

To me, that is detaching. That's all that you can do right now Arsene.