I read the new posting by StillRemains and one thing that stands out among so many others is the part about being talked about as though the LBS is the worst person in the world. There's a lot of other key plays the MLC-er runs that we all see very clearly. I'm struggling with "why". We know what they're doing and even though we don't understand how they feel, we know more about it that they do. Asking a rhetorical question here - So "why" does it make it so hard to relive the awkward teenager years for the LBS? We're more mature, more aware, more intelligent than we were back then. So "why" can't we laugh off these petty teenage antics?
There's a few folks in the forums that have weighed in on other threads with really good insight and experiences and admittedly, T^2, yous and AJ's are the hardest for me. You're the extreme of both ends of the spectrum. On one side there's AJ, with advanced personal growth, but a possible loss of his W forever. On the other is you, with advanced personal growth and the possibility that you and your W will pull through. I don't know where I'll fall in that spectrum. Thinking about my W never coming back doesn't bring me down or make me feel hostile, but what does affect me is the possibility that she'll run that familiar MLC play of trying to reconnect.
So I'm trying to look into that as well. If she's gone forever, she's gone, but the thought of her "possibly" wanting to reconnect somewhere down the road and the high risk of that failing is harsh.
I do want someone in my life. I'm pretty certain of that these days, but I just don't know what my expectations are for what void they will fill. I'm not aching for a physical partner so much as I'm aching for someone to just talk too. My apprehension comes from knowing that I'm not afraid to be honest and I don't want someone to get too close to me in the event that any baggage I may have might cause harm to someone I don't want to hurt.
I'm also well aware of a night very long ago that gets replayed over and over again when I least expect it. When my W and I were dating I asked God for her to be the end of the line for me. She was/is different from all the others and I wanted her to be the 'one'. That I was tired of not being happy with someone for one reason or another and that unlike the others, I respected her.
I bring this up because even though I'm not overly religious and definitely wasn't 14 years ago, I can recall certain times that a mere coincidence seemed a bit fishy. I'm also aware that there are several coincidences now that tend to be in line with what I'm asking of God these days. I'm just saying that I'm not ruling anything out.
I'm apprehensive about this coming school year for the kids. This is going to be very hard on them because their mom lives several miles away and it's very uncool to ask them to wake up at 5:30AM to catch a 7AM bus and also ask me to wake up earlier in order to make that happen since the bus stop is only 5 houses down from me. She has a right to the kids too, but I know she's not thinking of them so much these days. Granted, if I don't want "help" by driving miles out of my way to our half way point, then I'm just further feeding her cruddy feelings about me.
There's definitely a lot of animosity on my part in regards to not being allowed to tell her how I really feel. I know it's not about me anymore and trying to make it about me will make things worse. I'm also aware of the fact that in the pre-MLC past, when I tried to make it about 'me', I was often wrong. Sometimes it feels like compassion is very hard to come by.
