Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

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Thanks for the responses. I had been checking but my post was moderated so I didn't see when it finally went through.

Accuracy.. Thanks so much for the thoughtful response. Good to know that my reading of the situation isn't as crazy as she's trying to insinuate. I think if there isn't a physical affair, there's at least an emotional affair -- or perhaps just a fantasy affair. One of the things I said to her when she asked to separate is that, really, that's the first concrete thing she's asked me to do, so I don't see how I could refuse that.

Kaffe, I'm 34, she's 33. No kids. Specifically, W said that we don't have anything in common anymore, I'm very critical of her and emotionally remote. Oh, and our sex life was terrible. She felt like I'd pushed her away in lots of little ways. But honestly, I don't know how true a lot of that is. I feel like I've been reaching and reaching out to her even before this bombshell, for the last 6 months to a year at least.

Honestly I think her complaints are more historical than current. These are things that we've had issues with in the past, but I feel like I've addressed them to the best of my ability at the time. Feels more like rationalization to me. That said, I do recognize that I have a whole lot I want to change about myself, and working on myself is really the only thing I have under my control.

Maybe some history is in order. We almost got married once before.. We started dating when I was 18, she was 17. Dated for 5 years and decided to get married. A year after our engagement, and 2 days before we closed on a house, she told me she wasn't going through with the house, the wedding, any of it. She was done. I saw her once or twice after that due to having to tie things up with the house.

Fast forward five years. She messages me out of the blue on Myspace. We start seeing each other again, after a few months decide that we made a mistake not getting married before, and deicde to get married. She promises not to build the wall up, and I promise to listen better to her so that she doesn't retreat from me. Well, I guess neither of us were very good at keeping those promises, although in hindsight I don't think we knew what we were doing to each other.

I think W really did put herself out there for me for a long time. She would make dinner for us, she woulnd't work extra hours or anything, and she would discuss her problems with me. She was jealous of the time I'd spend in the office, working on music or whatever I was doing to blow off steam. She was hurt by things like that, and at the time I didn't understand why. My response was to slowly stop isolating myself and to try to be more attentive when she was home. I wanted to be more available to her when I could, because she'd told me so many times that that's what she wanted.

One of the benefits of counseling is that I've learned so much about how to listen and validate without trying to 'fix.' I'm not a pro yet but I feel like my eyes are now fully open, and that I'm able to communicate (and more importantly, LISTEN) much more effectively.

But at this point I think it's too late to go back to what she USED to want/need. My biggest problem so far has been that I've confused what she told me in that PAST with what she's telling me NOW.

As for what I'm doing for myself.. Over the weekend I went out for a motorcycle ride with a friend, that was a lot of fun. Yesterday I pretty much just stayed in and did some stuff around the house. I am not the hardest worker around the house so that is somewhat of a 180 for me.. Been working on that since this whole situation started. Other than that I've also been working on riding my bicycle to work more and seizing opportunities to make new friends and see more people.

One thing I know I have to work on as far as the last resort technique is that I probably haven't projected the cool, controlled and happy persona that I should be. I will walk in and say "hello" if she's around, but I know my smile seems forced.

I did make the mistake of asking about her rings on Saturday night. I said, "you don't have to hide your left hand from me." She said she'd taken them off last week since the marriage "didn't mean what she thought it meant." Apparently that's something that *I* had said. I said that seeing her with her rings off felt like she wasn't trying and that she was more done than ever, and it hurt my feelings, so that's why it upset me. But I did keep it short at least. I apologized for the intrusion and I left her alone after that, but I know I didn't do myself any favors.

Today I texted her for the first time in a week, I asked if she needed anything from the grocery store since I was going to go after work. Part of me feels like that was too much, could be considered pursuing... and part of me feels that it's benign, just a practical matter. I guess I want to go dark, but keep the path home well lit, if that makes sense.

On the suggestion from one of the other posters here I found a couple of books by Pema Chodron.. WOW. They are good stuff. I'm reading "Start Where You Are" right now.

Tomorrow we have another counseling appointment. We're supposed to talk about a controlled separation agreement I think. I don't know if she's going to stay living in the other bedroom in the house or if she wants to actually move out.