It's been a while and time for a new thread. Things are certainly in shut down mode, a few things have transpired so I wanted to share that detail. I'm probably in more of a journaling mode if anything, as I'm no longer seeking reconciliation with my W. My primary focus is on forgiveness, that's going to take a lot of work. Life is generally good, aside from the times when I reflect back on the ridiculous of this sitch in total. Here is a history of my threads:
I've done a longwinded summary before but it really boils down to this: 1) I met my W in February 2009, the same month the divorce of my first marriage was final. She is a single mother of 3 and I have no children. 2) We dated and fell in love, I was unfaithful during our dating period and she found out and supposedly forgave me for my misstep, we got engaged in 12/2010. 3) We married in 5/2011. I did many things financially for my wife and stepchildren but was not the husband or stepfather that I should have been. I was sober from 12/2010 to 5/2011 but started occasionally drinking again. I verbally abused my wife on a handful of occasions during drunken tirades. 4) In August of last year my W opened a match.com account and started an affair before we were legally separated. I found this out, confronted her and OM, and she filed a 50B restraining order as a result. I violated this order by coming into her house when OM was there, she called the cops and I was arrested. She readily admits I have never laid a hand on her nor stepchildren, my beef was the OM not her at the time. I offered my full forgiveness at the time and wanted to reconcile to no avail. 5) Haven't physically seen W or SK's since February of this year. I have owned up to my shortcomings and actions and have offered her my full forgiveness. She has expressed no remorse for her actions nor really owned any part of this including the unethical behavior she has displayed during this ordeal. For these reasons and the fact that I am happier without her than I was with her, I am done and ready to complete the divorce. 6) Can you believe this one didn't work out? ;-)
"Time is the most valuable thing on earth. More valuable than money will ever be. When you spend money you can always get more of it. When you spend time you can NEVER get it back. You know how much money you have at all times. You have no idea how much time you have and therefore must spend it very sparingly. You must avoid people who don’t appreciate or take for granted your time. You must loathe people who waste your time, as that is the most offensive thing any one person can do. Time should always be spent doing things you enjoy and what makes you happy. Anytime you feel miserable change something, and change it quickly, before your time runs out." – Unknown
The state of NC forced a year of physical separation prior to being eligible to file for divorce. I am done wasting my time and efforts on her, there are much people people in this world who deserve my time and attention.
Where I last left this saga, we had about two hour conversation on Friday 7/27. Varying degrees of relationship talk, how great her affair partner is with the kids, and she brought up his two million dollar investment properties multiple times. She never owned up to any wrongdoing still insistent that "she did not have an affair" when it is easily factually proven. It is for that specific reason the Separation Agreement was backdated. Don't care anymore and I digress. She thought I was going to backpeddle about repossessing my car. I didn't and we exchanged the following notes to set the rules and document because I wasn't going to risk going to her place or seeing her for fear of her making further false allegations about me to law enforcement. She had verbally agreed to giving back the wedding/engagement rings during the phone conversation.
Friday 7/27
W,
As per our discussion, please bring the following with the BMW to the Food Lion shopping center in XXX on Monday 7/30 at 7:30. Both sets of keys Maintenance records $1000 check for bumper repair 42" Panasonic LCD TV and remote (please put upright in the back seat facing backwards) My college degree from your garage Blue and white striped box of baseball cards from your garage GPS unit that was Christmas present from 2010 Engagement and Wedding rings and associated documents (and any other jewelry you feel inclined to return if it was gifted at a time prior to my knowledge of your extramarital relationship) Anything else that will fit within reason that you want to put in the car, I honestly don't remember what else is in your garage.
I accept your decision although I do not agree with it. I have left this all in God's hands. If you choose to follow through and divorce me then I guess there is a different plan for both of us. I hope you have a good weekend.
Her response Monday 7/30
H,
The $1000 check for the bumper repair is in an envelope in the glove box. The repair quote is included in the maintenance paperwork that I put in the owners manual binder in the trunk. The repair estimate from XXX BMW states $799.62 There is one maintenance document that I do not have (general maintenance and radio fix performed in February), but XXX BMW should have all the records you need. The GPS Unit is in the glove box. The car registration is in the glove box. The spare key is in the glove box. The TV and remote is in the backseat, placed as directed with a sheet over it. Your degree is in the trunk. The box of baseball cards is in the trunk.
I am keeping the rings for now and will consider giving them to you after our divorce is final.
Irked she again went back on her word the following text exchange took place:
Me: You agreed to give me back the rings on Friday. What's the problem?
Her: I didn't agree nor disagree
Me: Look at the separation agreement I signed shielding you and him from any loses as a result of your behavior. Do the right thing for once W, you're on the morals and values platform. I'd also like you to review the charges you continued to pile on my credit after your defined backdated (affair cover up) separation date. That's what my first wife asked me and I actually did the right thing. Stop rewriting the past and own up to your behavior please.
Her: The value of those rings far exceeds credit card charges. I want a smooth divorce process and then I'll make a decision about the rings. You get that I will need a way to pay for legal fees if things aren't smooth so I can't give away that asset.
Me: The charges you put on after you opened your match.com account were effectively theft and have nothing to do with this discussion. Think ethically here if you still have it in you.
Her: Pretty sure you are profiting in rental fees from the house you forced me out of (and getting the tax deduction). Saving in storage room fees the last 7 months. The vacation days I had to take to deal with moving out, restraining orders, court dates, etc were all lost too. Nothing else to talk about. We already have an agreement in place. If I want to give you the rings I will after we divorce.
Me: I lose $100 a month and the house and gave you $1000 so you could move. If you didn't cheat and would have just left none of this would have happened.
Her: Michael (affair partner) is not the reason our marriage failed, you are. Remember the Minnesota trip.
Me: Leaving me would have been one thing, you cheated, GOT CAUGHT RED HANDED AND ROBBED ME WHILE YOU WERE DOING IT. What was your thought process with every charge to my credit after your match.com account was opened LONG after your last contribution to the household. Explain that please... Morals and values??? That laptop wasn't for school, it was to recruit your next host.
Her: Don't text me again, there's nothing to talk about.
Me: Of course there isn't, your getaway car is long gone.
Time passed, she sent the following when she dropped off the car:
Her: The key is taped under the front driver wheel-well.
Me: Send me an agreement notarized that you'll give me the rings if I sign 8/27 and case closed.
I PICK UP THE BMW AND MY BELONGINGS, PHYSICALLY NO DAMAGE BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I already know I made mistakes in saying this (and previous things), I was pissed and hindsight is 20/20.
Me: Man, didn't take you long to wear this one out either eh? When your boy catches a whiff of reality and drops you like yesterday's news don't come crying to me. See if he cares enough about you not to make you sign a prenup. I wish you the best of luck.
Her: I'm calling the cops
Then she calls me I didn't respond.
Her: Trust me, after having a $(*$ as big as his you never have to worry about me coming back to you! Stop harrassing me with texts and calls and leave me alone. I told you there's nothing else to talk about. I'll send you a draft of divorce papers and we can communicate ONLY about the divorce via email only. If you text or call me from any number or drive by my house or work or try to get access to my information through my family/friends again I will immediately take out a restraining order.
Obviously trying to bait with me triggers above to no avail. Her statements about contacting her family or otherwise are totally baseless.
I am finding it hard to sell the BMW without taking a loss, so I sent the following proposal to her in email on 8/1.
Hi,
Please consider the following proposal.
I desire a dually signed divorce petition on Monday August 27th. I am in full agreement with you on the divorce and want it finalized as soon as humanly possible. I am going to realize at a minimum a $2600 loss on the BMW as of today. This is including the $1000 check you provided for the damage (e.g. the best I can get for the car at this point is 17k it would be a $3600 loss without the check you provided for the damage). If you have not purchased another vehicle already, we could arrange a written agreement for you to make the car and insurance payments until such a point (6 months I believe you mentioned) that your credit enables you to purchase the vehicle as per our prior verbal agreement. This could also be stated in writing in the divorce petition. I could title the car in your name assuming that does not leave me high and dry on liability for the vehicle since the financing is currently in my name. If we also agree in writing that you will return the engagement and wedding rings I will burden the cost and legwork of filing the divorce petition. You will have a signed petition by me that you can sign on the morning of August 27th. I desire no further contact with you in any/way shape or form after the business of this has been completed, this can also be put in writing in the divorce petition.
Please let me know your thoughts on this as soon as possible preferably by noon on Thursday 8/2.
This is win/win proposition as I don't lose $2600 and you end up with the car that you wanted. I will see if I can find some legal paperwork that would show a precedent for this and send it to you. I was at legal risk at the point you said you were filing for divorce while you still had possession of a vehicle I was liable for, without a written agreement in place, that is why I needed to get the car back.
I have been more than reasonable through this entire ordeal, please consider doing something reasonable here that is mutually beneficial. The car will be sold tonight if I don't hear back from you by 5pm.
W response
You made the move to take the car from me because I voiced my desire for divorce. I was making payments and working towards establishing credit to buy the car, but you wouldn’t allow the required time. You got angry because I want a divorce and you used it as a way to cause me hardship. You followed up taking the car with your abusive texts. It’s your usual behavior pattern. Nothing has changed in regards to the way you control your anger or your behavior.
The value of the car is much higher than $17k. If you are able to sell the car after only 2 days then I would think you are settling for less than what you can get for it. I recommend you put the car up for sale and ask payoff for it.
You should note that there is a 100k mile extended warranty on that car. It’s actually a longer warranty than what we were told at the time of purchase. On the back of one of the service invoices (in the owners manual) I wrote notes on the warranty coverage.
I do not want to have to continue to deal with your threatening and harassing texts or calls or emails about the vehicle. I do not want it. I thought you had planned on keeping the vehicle yourself to drive, but if you’re not, I think you need to sell it for more than what you have been offered for it today.
I’m going to ignore your ring proposal. The value of the rings versus the value of you doing legwork is not a fair comparison.
I’m glad that you agree to the divorce. I’d like to have it completed as soon as possible as well.
My response:
1) I was advised given the scenario with car, that if you had possession of the car and filed for divorce, that you could argue that it was "gift", and a judge could make me sign the title of the car over and continue to be on the hook for the loan. I was not trying to cause you hardship, you have two automobiles at your disposal and two drivers. I was protecting myself given your actions toward me financially in every other circumstance, there is plenty of evidence to backup my need to protect myself here. 2) No text I sent to you was in any way abusive, read them again. Pointing out unethical behavior is not abusive. 3) Please provide me the BMW website/login/owner information for the car. 4) Thank you for agreeing to turn over the engagement and wedding rings, please advise how I can take possession of them after I sign on 8/27. So you are going to serve me with the paperwork that I can sign on August 27th correct? It would be wonderful if I did not have be served at my job, if you want to sign it and drop it off at a notary I will sign it on August 27th assuming it is a cut and dried divorce petition. 5) The value of the rings is irrelevant. The issue around the rings is about right and wrong and the commitment we made to God with our marriage.
I was not trying to cause you hardship, I was protecting myself and given your past behavior I had no choice. If we put a LEGAL AGREEMENT in place it protects both of us and you get to have the car that YOU WANTED.
Her response:
Your email below is crap and full of lies and I’m not agreeing to or acknowledging any of it. You are constantly trying to get me to fall into some sort of legal trap.
Regardless of what you were advised, you made the decision to take the car from me. As I told you when you took the car– The ONLY thing we have to talk about is divorce papers.
I don’t know when I will file, but if/when I do I will list your home address. I will request that they not be served to you at work, but I’m not sure I have any control over that. You are free to file as well and you have my home address (I’m a full-time telecommuter now so work and home are the same).
Again, outside of divorce paperwork, don’t contact me about anything.
My response:
I am not trying to legally trap you in any way. There is nothing left to legally be decided aside from the dissolution of the legal marriage contract itself.
Please send me the BMW account information. If you are not going to have a petition that I can sign on Monday August 27th please advise me of this. Thank you being open to returning the wedding engagement rings (there is nothing legal about this statement obviously). I assure you that the divorce process will be more than easy.
Her response:
UserID: Her Email Password: <myname2> (My name as the password how hysterical is that... lol)
And that's it... No communication since last week.
I'm patiently waiting a draft of papers to review from here but I'm sure it will never come. I will be forced to do the work and burden any cost associated with putting the bow on this one. A year ago I would have never thought I would say this, but I literally can't wait for it to be over. If there's not something for me to sign on 8/27 from her, she will have a notarized signed divorce petition on that day.
I am doing great and working on forgiveness, if I ever get to that point remains to be seen. My life is truly better off without her, work is great and I am having a great time personally as well. This ordeal has greatly changed me though I will say, I have an internal checklist that will be ran through before I trust another human being in any capacity.
GAL activites: Selling 2008 BMW 328i (price is down to $19,500 anyone interested? lol) Pinehurst trip this weekend, followed by weeks vacation to the coast starting next Thursday. First week long vacation since this whole ordeal started, and first long trip since W and I Cancun vacation in 4/2011. Greatly looking forward to it!
I again want to thank everyone who has taken time to read and provide advice on my sitch. You all have really been a godsend and I don't know what I would have done without the support. Regardless of what is going on in your sitch and whichever way it goes always remember that you will come out on the better side because of it. I am very much looking forward to closing this chapter of my life and enjoying the next one... And a future one with a woman whom deserves my time and attention.
Just over two weeks and whatever court delay and this should be a wrap... I'm going to try and give back to the community as much as I can mainly in support mode since I never really grasped the concepts obviously, but in my case I really don't think there is anything else I could have done to change the outcome. By her own families admission W is extremely materialistic, and her behavior proves this. She had a plan and executed it to perfection, perhaps karma and her maker will teach her some lessons, I can't and am no longer interested in trying.
Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!!!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Stumbled across this today and really made me think...
When you affirm things like, You make me mad, this situation is upsetting me, I can’t believe you are treating me this way, etc., you start playing the victim game. Take responsibility for your own thoughts, your own feelings and actions and by doing so you will no longer give your power away to forces outside yourself. When something negative wil come your way you will pause and instead of reacting you will RESPOND, to everything and everyone. You will no longer be a victim but rather a person who is aware of his/her inner strength and power.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~ Wayne Dyer
Had a great weekend in Pinehurst with friends and flying out to Atlantic City on Thursday!
W's birthday is tomorrow but she won't hear a peep out of me... I assume she is still entrenched with OM, perhaps he will get her a car for her birthday ;-). Still awaiting a draft of a petition to review... Given her "I don’t know when I will file, but if/when I do I will list your home address." statement I'm sure I will end up having to do all the legwork. Only time will tell...
Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I could point out loads of things but I've done that for months so I'm not wasting my energy. my mouth was literally hanging open reading that. I really wish you W was on this board, I think she needs the support.
Please for the good of the women in whatever state you're in...go to counselling and don't date for 2 years.
I could point out loads of things but I've done that for months so I'm not wasting my energy. my mouth was literally hanging open reading that. I really wish you W was on this board, I think she needs the support.
Please for the good of the women in whatever state you're in...go to counselling and don't date for 2 years.
There's different opinions on this. Mine is that you shouldn't be close to people right away, but after 3 months or so, you should be able to "date" people who like you. I wouldn't play the "dating game", you'll never get sorted out. But if you are interacting with people who you have some mutual interests and like each other, I think it gets you past it much quicker. It really opens your mind to the possibility that there are other people out there who are good for you.
Requested this be locked as a duplicate no more posts on this one please :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
