MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

Thanks, KD for pointing out my H may still have potential to offer something....

I think I am falling into the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I have to hold hope that I "can" do better if this M doesn't work out. Otherwise, why would I even consider a life without H if this is as good as it gets.

Don't get me wrong...I still weight out a better life with H as my first priority. But, the hope I hold out for it is so far fetched (to me at this time) that I tend to dismiss it....in one part of my brain....out the other.

I think I am reacting to the sickness I"m feeling, form the boring monotonous monotones of his voice spewing all of the crap that comes out of his mouth.

Wow! Say that 5x's. I can read into my anger as I write these words better than pacing around thinking to myself.

As a family, three yrs ago we chose a suburb just outside of Vegas to look for a second home. We stayed a month looking at real estate, colleges, union halls, and fell in love with the year round outdoor activities. This was a consideration originally because of the type of business H and S21, S25 provide in Tech. Staging.

Your right though it would be part running away...and running to something for myself.

I wasn't thinking of him missing me, because that's not really his personality. I was thinking...make it a little harder, were he has to make an actual effort to want to be with me in the moment.

I am working with H very much...with kindness, love, patients and support. His "confusion" is teaching me something new everyday...reveling some truths about myself I knew I was suppressing.

Sometimes, I think moving out would help me because I don't have to be witness to his late arrivals, be around for his rants, be privy to his crazy talk, or exposed to his depression. Those are not really "for me" reasons...there more "running from" reasons.

Last night my friend advised to get the car. GAL with my car...work, visits family more, drive to neighboring states (like I used to), visit the city, museums ect...then go home, to my family. He took that freedom from me when he needed my car because he trashed his own.

She said leaving may only bring me back home to the same unresolved issues.

I know I'm not "done" with my M. I just don't see how it would get any better. Time? Patients? Abuse? Respect? Disrespect? Loneliness? There is no easy answer.

If he was to missed anything in my absence, be it GAL or moving out it would be accessibly. He takes it for granted..."I have a family, nothing can take that away". He's arrogant! As far as me personally...not sure what he values anymore in me.