i guess if i think about it, i reacted to the single sentence, which gave a quite different message than what you just wrote:
I ALWAYS counsel someone to make their support agreement based ONLY on the family's basic needs. Each spouse -- wayward/walkaway and left-behind -- should properly be responsible for their own WANTS.
this ^^ sounds a lot different than what you first wrote.
thanks zig
Understandable. Always best to assume GOOD intentions, or just ask me directly for clarification. I post in "shorthand" sometimes, and am happy to expand upon my thinking when someone asks. Sometimes, however, it's intentional, and designed to illicit thought by its very brevity and clarity.
There's a big old castle with very thick walls, and that' s where you wife is - in there, with all her chaos and confusion. Outside beyond the moat are beautiful fields, and you've set up your picnic there, and you are sitting at your picnic (picnic symbolizes fun, relaxed, carefree...) with your back to the castle, having a quiet wonderful time.
your back to the castle refers to staying detached - so no matter what w is doing in there, you are just enjoying yourself. once in a while she peeps out or even comes all the way out to sit down next to you, but she keeps going back to her chaos. you stay steady on your picnic, no matter what she does
she's obviously just come out to peep - stay on your blanket and don't turn around
sometime it's hard to stay on the blanket - and then you come tell us and we'll help pull you back on.
glad to see you doing everything that you should be doing - getting support, being firm, stepping out of your safe place. now you just nee to make those goals and TRUST yourself
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Mac the wobbliness, if you will, certainly comes from breaking past behavior patterns. You will get your land legs eventually.
maybe in the future if she confronts you again you can point out that you give her money for food bc you believe that is the right thing to do and you will abide by that agreement, but you cannot provide any more than that right now. Unless you are also buying her food directly, in which case - never mind.
There's a big old castle with very thick walls, and that' s where you wife is - in there, with all her chaos and confusion. Outside beyond the moat are beautiful fields, and you've set up your picnic there, and you are sitting at your picnic (picnic symbolizes fun, relaxed, carefree...) with your back to the castle, having a quiet wonderful time.
your back to the castle refers to staying detached - so no matter what w is doing in there, you are just enjoying yourself. once in a while she peeps out or even comes all the way out to sit down next to you, but she keeps going back to her chaos. you stay steady on your picnic, no matter what she does
she's obviously just come out to peep - stay on your blanket and don't turn around
sometime it's hard to stay on the blanket - and then you come tell us and we'll help pull you back on.
glad to see you doing everything that you should be doing - getting support, being firm, stepping out of your safe place. now you just nee to make those goals and TRUST yourself
zig
Visualizations, symbols and metaphors can be powerful tools that help us thru very difficult times. I like the "picnic" one for the reasons that Zig says, but mostly because it obviously WORKS FOR HER.
For me, I always liked the "walking down the path" analogy, only occasionally peeking behind you to see if your wayward spouse is following you. I liked it because it implied ACTION (and you know us guys, we're natural Mr. Fix-It problem-solvers ), but mostly because it implies MOVEMENT ... DISTANCE. It says to your spouse "I am moving AWAY from you, down a path of self-improvement and (re-?)becoming the man I think God wants me to be. If you choose to come along . . . great. If not, I understand, and I love you enough to let you go and let you pursue your OWN path. But make no mistake, I AM moving, and I hope you don't want too long or else I will be too far away from you."
You can have whatever you wish, Mac -- it's YOUR metaphor, lol.
I've also suggested to people that they pick some famous movie or TV star of the same gender, one that they see as strong, capable and can relate to. To picure "What would _______ do?" Some pick James Bond, or I picked Joe Friday ("Just the facts, ma'am"), lol. One woman I counseled I recommended she take Joyce Davenport, who was the character that played Capt. Frank Furillo's's girlfriend on the old Hill Street Blues tv show. Whatever works for you.
