well - vera - i knew that would come - so i'll ask - if she'd written medicine or groceries in place of smokes, would starsky have asked that question?
if he still would have, then i'm assuming he's recommending mac NOT giving her even 1 rand.
if he wouldn't have, then targeting the smokes is a riling comment in my book - the same as if she'd asked for money to buy beer or something that is not necessary. it's judgmental to use that line of reasoning, and if our support to each other is based on being judgmental, then it seems a bit misguided to me.
if mac gives her X rand per week, he doesn't get to say that she can use it for needs or wants, he just gives it, right?
If that's the arrangement, yes, But I ALWAYS counsel someone to make their support agreement based ONLY on the family's basic needs. Each spouse -- wayward/walkaway and left-behind -- should properly be responsible for their own WANTS.
I don't care of it's cigarettes, booze, poker or bowling league. This advice is consistent with what I've always advised, and with what I did with my own sitch.
wobbly just means you stepped into unfamiliar territory - the unknown and you're a bit scared.
the best thing to do is just focus on the fact that you did the right thing for yourself, and don't let the evil weak part of your mind start second-guessing your decisions - that's where you'll start spinning.
it's the irrational fear that will want to raise it's evil head and want you to go back to the familiar - but you don't need to. just follow your L's advice - and know that she's got your back
you're doing great - more than great mac! you're on your way to redefining yourself
(((((((( )))))))
now come have a shot on the blanket and and stay with us for a while until the wobbliness goes away. and while you're there, go set your goals - it will give your mind something to focus on that's much more worthwhile than this
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Folks - that's the first time ever I've said no to the W!!!
Arrangement via L was - don't evict her.
Nothing else. I added food as it was the right thing to do. But to pay for her vices?
Nah. Not going to happen.
Boy - did that cause a flurry of posts! Thanks one and all for the input. Truly appreciated.
At my best friends now where I've received hugs and support on doing something they never expected from me.
Feeling a bit "wobbly".
Mac
Mac, try not to think of them as her "vices." We all have them, and you don't want to be focused on that. Try to make the disinction between "wants" and "needs." Someone wanting to leave a marriage is under no obligation to have the other person pay for their WANTS, unless and until a judge orders them to.
My position would be no different if this were her gardening club dues.
fine starsky - i'll concede to you and vera pointing out my sensitivity.
i've always been "sensitive" to people pointing out other people's vices as you put it - all my life. I guess the way i see it is that everyone has some sort of "vice" whether it's blatant and easily seen, such as smoking or drinking or quite unseen as their thought processes.
i will put some thought into why i feel this way - it's obviously something i need to work on
as for how you put what you advise people to do - you are right star sky - when you put it that way.
i guess if i think about it, i reacted to the single sentence, which gave a quite different message than what you just wrote:
I ALWAYS counsel someone to make their support agreement based ONLY on the family's basic needs. Each spouse -- wayward/walkaway and left-behind -- should properly be responsible for their own WANTS.
this ^^ sounds a lot different than what you first wrote.
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
