please please don't veer off the point getting moralistic about her nicotine habit. the only thing it will do is cause mac to focus on the details rather than what he really needs to focus on here - setting the correct boundaries, being fair to himself and wife, and getting detached.
she's just using the smokes as an excuse to make contact and to get money to live on. (which incidentally he may have agreed on!)
(my h used giving our s a decent place to live as his reason for me buying the house for him. my answer to him when i said no was, there is a perfectly good place to live right here at the house, and if you choose not to do so, then you'll have to figure out your own living arrangements)
the point here seems to be that mac needs to make some boundaries clear - about how much money and how often and whether to give it at all. it's besides the point what she uses it for.
i don't agree that mac should be picking up smokes for her when he goes to buy his own. but we have to find out first what he has told her he would do, and whether he has told her he is going to support her.and if he wishes to change what's been in place to help and support him to do it correctly
no matter what's going on between the 2 of them, it's something to think about whether he is going to cut her off totally financially or not, and which one is the right thing to do
getting him riled up further with comments like that, when he's in the state he's in, is not going to help him
so let's focus on what the actual situation is (if there is one) about their previous agreements and help him to figure out and execute what he would like to do.
and i will join you in 2 x 4'ing him profusely if he says he wants to do what she asked for in those texts.
mac - i hope that you are silent because it's bed time there, and not because you went to buy her smokes!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
please please don't veer off the point getting moralistic about her nicotine habit. the only thing it will do is cause mac to focus on the details rather than what he really needs to focus on here - setting the correct boundaries, being fair to himself and wife, and getting detached.
she's just using the smokes as an excuse to make contact and to get money to live on. (which incidentally he may have agreed on!)
(my h used giving our s a decent place to live as his reason for me buying the house for him. my answer to him when i said no was, there is a perfectly good place to live right here at the house, and if you choose not to do so, then you'll have to figure out your own living arrangements)
the point here seems to be that mac needs to make some boundaries clear - about how much money and how often and whether to give it at all. it's besides the point what she uses it for.
i don't agree that mac should be picking up smokes for her when he goes to buy his own. but we have to find out first what he has told her he would do, and whether he has told her he is going to support her.and if he wishes to change what's been in place to help and support him to do it correctly
no matter what's going on between the 2 of them, it's something to think about whether he is going to cut her off totally financially or not, and which one is the right thing to do
getting him riled up further with comments like that, when he's in the state he's in, is not going to help him
so let's focus on what the actual situation is (if there is one) about their previous agreements and help him to figure out and execute what he would like to do.
I agree, actually. I just think that the cigarettes are a great example of how Mac should separate supporting the family's financial NEEDS, from its WANTS. But ALL of it does need to be addressed and communicated, I agree.
Sorry to hijack - zig I didn't read it as moralistic on starsky's part, just a question worded to show that it's her choice to smoke and ask why mac would be giving her money to do that.
I do agree that it would be great if mac, you could explain whether you have any financial agreement in place with your w.
(zig I know you are a smoker, maybe that comment hit you a little close to home?)
getting him riled up further with comments like that, when he's in the state he's in, is not going to help him
. . .
This is where I'll respectfully DISAGREE with you, Zig. The fact that Mac is still "in the state he's in," after THREE YEARS of being at this, to me is the core issue. Until Mac can get himself into a non-reactionary place of detachment towards his wife, he's not going to be able to effectly apply ANY of the suggestions we're all giving him, consistently.
I do try to be sensitive to someone's emotional state when they're freshly bombed. After about 60 days, I rapidly lose my sympathy and my patience, and after three years I would rather try to 2x4 and exhort someone to get their head out of their ass, then to coddle them.
Sorry to hijack - zig I didn't read it as moralistic on starsky's part, just a question worded to show that it's her choice to smoke and ask why mac would be giving her money to do that.
Correct. I personally enjoy a good cigar a few times per week. Should my wife and I ever separate again, I wouldn't expect her to contribute anything towards that particular hobby/habit. The minor child's haircuts, and other household living expenses? Yes.
And after a face to face where I said she had a home and food but no cigs and no booze. She blew up.
Now I get this text.
I am on my way to the Netbal. Did not feed the dogs. just spoke to my attorney and she said that your attorney wants to arrange a round table meeting. And that I wont be interested in getting divorced when we sit around the table. I suggest you tell your attorney that I want a divorce and that I want out. I would not have consulted a divorce lawyer if I was not serious about this.
well - vera - i knew that would come - so i'll ask - if she'd written medicine or groceries in place of smokes, would starsky have asked that question?
if he still would have, then i'm assuming he's recommending mac NOT giving her even 1 rand.
if he wouldn't have, then targeting the smokes is a riling comment in my book - the same as if she'd asked for money to buy beer or something that is not necessary. it's judgmental to use that line of reasoning, and if our support to each other is based on being judgmental, then it seems a bit misguided to me.
if mac gives her X rand per week, he doesn't get to say that she can use it for needs or wants, he just gives it, right?
if he expects accountability for every rand she spends and what she spends it on - that's some serious control there isn't it?
we spend a lot of time encouraging each other to accept that we do not and cannot control our WAS's and their decisions. I think this comes under that. He does not have to agree to give her money for smokes - no not at all - that's not what i'm saying, but in the bigger pic, is that the first question he should be asked?
the point isn't what she spends it on, the point is what is their agreement
it's beside the point what she wants the money for, and we could start arguing here, but do any of us KNOW for sure what their agreement was?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
