I might be off course a little, I personally see DR and much of what MWD saying is stressing that infidelity is often a symptom of a deeper, underlying problem.
As opposed to someone who might be focused on infidelity as the problem.
My take on that, in context of pursuit / distance is that if infidelity is the symptom, it could be the LBS was distanced from the WAS so the WAS sought getting their needs met elsewhere.
Therefore, pursuit MIGHT be appropriate.
This might be the off course bit.
In the MLC forum, that's often seen as "poking the bear". ie. We will directly contact the WAS to "take a temperature" of the WAS to see if they are receptive to us. That may not make sense, although we can tell that if they are receptive, then we may work on seeking further connection with them. If they spew at us, we know we need to continue to stay away. Many don't do it purposely, the results are the same.
In what might be considered "generic infidelity", the WAS MAY be desiring to have their needs met by the LBS. So if distance is "more of the same" which set up a condition of the WAS seeking elsewhere... "doing something different" or "a 180" might be pursuit, to see if the WAS would be receptive to re-engaging or re-connecting with the LBS.
If the WAS is receptive to that and that direction is set up and begun, then the process of healing from the infidelity can begin.
The problem I see with that approach is that the cheating spouse (and again, I was asking about this only in the context of infidelity) could easily be "receptive" to the pursuit solely as a way to cake-eat, or to keep the betrayed spouse in line while they carry on their affair, now with two people courting them.
I don't ever see a time when pursuit can be justified, as long as their is still an active affair going on. If "too much distance" was indeed a prior marital complaint, then the betrayed spouse can (and should) address that when the affair ends and they enter the Piecing phase.
This is just my opinion and observation, but I just don't think purusuig during an active affair is ever a good idea:
- It enables the affair, by having the betrayed spouse meet some of the cheating spouse's emotional (and sometimes even physical) needs, while their affair partner meets the others;
- It makes the betrayed spouse look weak and supplicating (especially if the LBS is the husband);
- It allows the cheating spouse to not have to make a decision, longer;
- It puts the betrayed spouse's own health at risk (if unprotected sex is a part of the recommended pursuit).
Again, these are just my opinions and observations; I was looking to see what MWD's official DB/DR stance was on the issue, since it was the topic of the thread. I do believe that infidelity is often -- maybe even usually -- a symptom of a deeper, underlying marital problem. I just also believe that it's an immediate "tree crashing thru the roof" (see Penny Tupy's excellent article "Holes in the Roof") that requires a different approach, at least while there is an active affair still going on. I do realize that reasonable people may disagree on this topic.
