More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

Time for a new thread...

Here's the last one..
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2252294#Post2252294

Its been over 2 years since the "ILYBIDLY" message was said to me. Actually it was more like, "I'm not in love with you and not sure I ever was..." But either is a kick in the gut, right?

We still live in the same house (different bedrooms). We both still love our kids. We can show courtesy to one another. And in limited fashion we can show empathy to the pain we've caused each other. I say "limited" because this empathy has not yet led us to full reconciliation.

We tried MC about a year ago and it was a bust. W was not ready for it. We were suppose to start again this past Monday and my W overslept and missed the appt. So take 3 on that is on the 20th.

The piecing process continues and once again, I am reminded that even more patience is needed that what I had expected and that I have more to give than what I realized.

Some some random thoughts as I start another thread (This is like the 4th, 5th, or 6th..i lost count since starting on the boards in Dec11).

A few lessons...
--I can't do this alone. I've needed God, friends & family to get me through the rough times and still do.
--I need to be careful where I get support. Some people just want to see the "pain" end while others help you deal with the pain and keep going.
--I am grateful for the people who don't allow me to play the victim.
--I have to remember what my goal is and keep working for it.
--I have to see my spouse in a loving way regardless of what choices she makes. (God does this for me daily)
--I can learn from this situation and let go of those things in my life that don't serve me well. These are behaviors and attitudes that damage me as a person
--Comfort zones are great for rest and refreshment, but no one ever grows from being comfortable.
--I have advice and wisdom to offer. Not because I'm wise, but because I've fallen down a lot and at least developed a really good skill of getting back up again.
--We're all broken in some way. Its part of what makes us human.
--I have far more passive/aggressive behaviors that what I that I had and the knowledge of that has helped me change.

There's definitely more but the day calls and I'm off to work. Grateful for the the wisdom and frienships both here and other places in my life.

[zig]

just all those realizations will help you take one step forward at a time, ces.

just bit by bit

love your new title and don't forget to add a little humor to each day - both for yourself and your family.

it's contagious you know - humor and everyone benefits physiologically from a good laugh

hope you have a wonderful day
zig

[jks]

I am really so impressed with you and how far you've come on this journey. You are an inspiration.

I agree on the advice from those around you. It's like one wrong turn of advice could set you in a tailspin. Controlling our thoughts and attitudes throughout all of this is really the hardest part.

Just know that the whole "I'm never sure I was ever INLWY." stuff is just a justification for leaving a M. Our spouses truly forget the feelings they really had. It's amazing to witness. You are a very strong human being and have had so much growth and determination it really is remarkable.

I continue to hope for the best for you.

[ces67]

Journaling:

A few observable changes...
--While my W has not been sleeping in our bed, it appears she is sleeping with our D10 and not in the guest room.
--W has not been taking the laptop into the room at night like she use to do but instead is leaving it on the dinning room table where she does her work. She is less "protective" of it than she use to be.
--W is still holding onto "memories" or "keepsakes" of the OM.

I am reading a book on affairs to help me with forgiveness and to help me understand what my W is going thru. In the section on healing it talks about how the WAS will hold onto these keepsakes as part of the emotional connection they feel towards the OM/OW. The book indicates that this is a normal part of the process. However for the WAS to truly move forward, they must get rid of them and for the LBS to fully heal and trust, they have to see them go away.

Right now I'm praying for this next step to happen. This is where I'm at. I do need to see these things go away and I need to see that honesty is returning to my M to move forward. I also know this is where more patience is needed. (really???)

I've found more "keepsakes" this week and its painful. But its not crippled me. I'm glad I found them because to me, it is information that helps me understand. It helps me know this is still a long journey and I need to keep my strength up.

Its still very painful. But its not a pain that cripples but more a pain that heightens the senses to be prepared.

I'm tired. But I'm standing.

[jks]

To be honest, I had no idea you had an OM in the picture at one point. I haven't read your entire sitch. So my respect for you has grown even more.

Hugs to you.

[Still learning]

hi ces67. I hope you are doing ok today. That's the first time I've heard of a WAS that needed an *actual* wake up call, instead of a metaphorical one. Glad you got it rescheduled. I'll work on my passive agressiveness along with you....

[ces67]

Hi Jks, yes, it started while I had moved to my new job and the family was still at our former home back 2010. W claims it was just flirting but there is a significant emotional connect that she's not fully admitted to. Here's a quick recap..

--W is good friends with the W of OM.
--W works for this couple doing some computer work from our house since January of this year
--When W travels back to former home she often stays with at this family's house.
--It came to a head last Oct when I found a picture of my W with OM hidden in our house. (not one of my better moments).
--W claims and continues to claim it was all in the past and that OM's wife caught them txting.
--W has rebuilt friendship with the OM's wife and says her interactions with OM are very limited since.
--This week I found a wallet size pic of OM hidden in the house but have not said anything.
--W has opened up slightly about her relationship with OM as I have asked some very direct questions but I still believe there is more to it that she is unwilling to share at this point.
--W has continued to stay in our home and since May has made a significant shift in her attitude.
--Big changes since May are 1) including me in family activities 2) more conversation about life and family 3)a re-engagement to the physical aspects of marriage.

So that's the clif-notes version.

SL - not sure how it plays out with you but I read a book called "no more mr nice guy" that really opened my eyes to how I was setting unspoken expectations on my actions and responding negatively when those expectations were not met. Good luck!

[Still learning]

....read that one, and obviously applied to me and my situation, but kinda liked some of the others better. I read too much, probably.

[ces67]

What others have you read, SL?

[ces67]

Journaling....

I had a business trip at the end of last week so its been a few a few days since I've been able to be on the boards.

Yesterday's sermon was about finding time to be quiet and getting away from the noise. I'm not very good at this. When I find myself with some quiet, alone time, my thoughts tend to go to negative places. Changing this, like so many other things, requires focus and determination in myself.

"our struggle is not against flesh & blood, but against...the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil..." - Paul the Apostle.

The reality I create in my mind is often my own worst enemy. I'm much better at directing my thoughts than I use to be but this weekend was a relapse. My focus once again shifted to how far away we are from the marriage I want, rather than how far we've come in the past few months.

I was distracted by the keepsakes I found that my W has of the OM and I let myself get all riled up internally over it. The reality is he's 500 miles away and my W is slowly drawing closer to me. (did I mention SLOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYYY).

So I went for a walk last night. It was a beautiful evening. The humidity of the summer had faded and small specks of color still highlighted the clouds as the night folded in. So I tried the quiet thing again.

Each time, thoughts of anger & aggression came into mind. I pictured various scenarios which looked like me accusing my W and showing her how wrong she was. It included scenes of my beating the *#@*! out of the OM. Needless to say, my quiet time was not productive.

When I made it back home I decided to give it one more try. I laid down on the hood of my car and stared up at the dark clouds and the few stars peeking through. Each time a thought tried to invade, I fought it off so I could just be still.

Now, while I've grown up going to church & believing in God, I've never been inclined to believing God speaks to us directly. But that's something that's changing in me too. In the past 2 years since the bomb, there have been times when a simple message, thought or picture has given me hope and encouragement. Some may say its only my internal need for those things. Personally, I think I've finally been at a point in my life where I realized how much I truly cannot do this on my own and have been more open to God.

So after a while of laying still on the hood of my car, keeping the negative images at bay, a simple thought enters my head..."fight the darkness." Honestly, I was hoping for a little more direction than that but the point was made.

I'm still fighting circumstances and that's not the enemy. The darkness inside me is. The resentment, the anger, the bitterness. Its all still there. I've shoved it down and in many ways pushed it out of my heart. How else could I still feel compassion for my W? But the fight is still on. The darkness isn't giving up. So I can't either.

So 2 basic things came to mind. 1) I need to forgive the OM. and 2) I need to focus on the positives. And let me just say that the 2nd is a whole lot more appealing than the first.

I will never condone what the OM did, but honestly, he's done no more than my W and I want to forgive her. It could even be argued that he's done less since he's never promised me anything. My anger and bitterness is very often directed at him in my mind. So to help me get rid of this darkness, I have to forgive him as well. I don't want to. But I need to. My struggle is not against flesh & blood.