so yesterday a lot of things happened for me that were huge steps i had taken tin the days before..
i was so on the blanket, i was practically wrapped in it!! i felt great when we got to h's aunt's house - the rest were all there, but i came much later riding in with his grandparent's and one of his uncles and aunt. he wasn't around, but s came running to me, delighted to see me. everyone was, and i was so happy to see them all.
for the first time - i wasn't ultra conscious of h and his presence there (i only realized it later). about an hour later - it was family portrait time - as i walked up h pulled me over to right next to him, leaned right into me with his shoulder - i flirted a bit and gave him a grin and leaned into him and we played a little flirt game for a few minutes!
then he loudly insisted that s stand right in front of us and said really loudly "s, you are going to stand here with us, not where you feel like, because we are a family and we're standing together?"
it was kind of funny to watch - i didn't say a word, just stood there smiling indulgently at the 2 of them while they argued. heck , i wasn't interfering - was i getting my way? hell yes - without saying a goddamn word. every other family pic - we were always split up among the others, and there was h insisting we were together - not just next to each other, but all pressing against each other!!
and the best part - in the past i would have seen that as such a "sign" and gotten so much hope. now it was so different, the thought didn't even occur to me about what it might or might not mean - it was just what it was and i just delighted in it
mil had had t-shirts printed with 70 yrs and grandparents names on them. in the past i would have made a fuss about how un-cool that was and did i have to wear it. instead, without even realizing it, i walked up to the rest of the group (each family had their own color) - rolling the sleeves up and hitching up the overlong bottom and laughing and telling everyone how if i was going to wear that i was going to make sure it looked really good on me. next thing all the women were doing the same and we were all laughing.
at the club - of course, my luck i get seated next to sil and s and h are opposite us. i was casual and really relaxed and dinner was great. after that one of the uncles had put together a 45 minute video of pics of the family starting from when grandparents were really really young all the way to the present through each generation.
h insisted i sit really close to him. he talked almost non-stop about each picture. and we were almost flirting a bit and laughing alot. only later i realized that he was feeling awfully vulnerable - he knew what was coming up and how he was going to feel about it. the main theme in that family is stay together through thick and thin - and uncle, in the narrative MORE than stressed that!!
when it came to the year that h and i had met - he started making fun of himself, and saying what an idiot i was for falling for that stupid guy up on the screen. what was wrong with me, i must have been not thinking right. he kept saying that and finally i turned to him and said, h please stop i really want to just enjoy this.
he got quiet and in the next few minutes i slowly and very quietly started crying. the tears were just streaming down my face - he was sitting a bit behind me so he couldn't see me. i didn't try to hide it and i was very quiet, but i just couldn't stop. there were so many beautiful pics of us, but i was just so so sad at what he had said - just so so sad. after a bit he started making comments again - and on of them was - wow, i really had my [censored] together then, but then i decided to drop the ball on it all and here i am (this was during the pics of us mid-marriage and even after i got unwell). i didn't say anything
for the first time in my life - i didnt' try to hide it away, i didn't get upset or angry, i didn't try to project it on h. i didn't try to excuse it or justify it. i just stayed right where i was with the feelings
by the time the video ended i was more composed. i left to go have a cigarette - but when i got outside, i didn't have a lighter so i opened the door to go back in and h was coming out after me. he followed me back in, but then there was the toast with champagne. i quietly left again and when i came in 10 mins later - h got up and walked across the entire room in front of his whole family and asked me if i would join him for a cigarette outside. AND he let us walk out together in front of everyone!!
the conversation that took place - was very very new for both of us
h: that was really hard on you me; no, i loved celebrating this with your grandparents h: but you were really sad me: why do you say i was sad? h" i could really feel it me: i was sad, but not about the video, but about what you said h: flustered - what did i say, you have to tell me, you know me, i say stupid things all the time me: started crying quietly and said it made me really sad that you made fun of me for falling in love with you h: groans and starts apologizing and how there was no call for saying that. he kept apologizing. when i could speak again, i said quietly thanks for the apology. then i added - it makes me ver sad also to see that you think so little of yourself that you would ridicule me for falling in love with you.
he agreed quietly. and then we were quiet. then after a bit i shifted the conversation and told him what a lovely evening i had had the night before - watching Wanda and we strolled back in - sort of at peace with each other.
it was an amazing experience for me - to be able to be vulnerable, make clear what i felt with NO DRAMA , no accusations, no elaborate explanations,no making him feel bad, and to let it go after i was done. the rest of the evening there was no indication from me that it was something that i was holding onto.
when we got back to in-laws house ( i had left my car there, and rode back with h's mom and dad) s and h drove in right after and s came running to me and leaped into my arms. h came straight to my car too - and we had a family hug - first real one since the BD - actually it was s clutching me with his head turned away from h, and h with his arms around the both of us. we stood like that for almost a minute
then s went in - and h wanted a cigarette and we stood there and had one and i chatted casually about practical things. i could tell he wanted to "say" something, but i didn't really care to hear it. my focus was already on getting home...
so today - mil tells me and i've got a big fat grin on my face! - i swear h does not stop thinking about you for one goddamn minute. yesterday when his golf game was over he strode into aunt's house and practically attacked mil - where was zig, why wasn't she here? when was she coming, and hadn't mil arranged a ride for her. he expected her to be there by now, why wasn't she there yet? did they have her t-shirt ready?
she also told me how the whole family was just loving and enjoying me so much yesterday, and that even though i feared so much that my absence was not even noticed, it was the exact opposite.
she asked if i would come for dinner tonight and i said i didn't think so. i wasn't avoiding it, or worried about what anyone might make of it- it was more that i didn't feel the need to be there. also honestly i simply didn't feel ready to meet sil's gf and daughter - and it was ok that i felt that way.
one of h's patterns during this year - at our house - go for a cigarette and ask me to join him out on the deck - but only at our house. yesterday - he did it in a totally different place, not once but three times! it was as if he had "allowed" himself that only when he came here, but now for the first time allowed it to himself outside of this space and in front of the family - it was a very strange experience after a whole entire year, to watch h walk right up to me intentionally in front of all of them - open , not defensive, as if it was a normal thing to do. i have watched him be so hyper aware of his every move towards me in front of them, not wanting to let them see that there is anything between us.
so strange strange happenings - and i dont' read anything into what they may or may not mean - i'm just seeing where i am. and i'm just seeing the blue sky for myself:)
sorry this is so long. i wanted to document the details for myself
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I am so impressed with all that you have been going through in just the past few days.
And what a wonderful night you had at the anniversary party. So full of real, raw emotion. Just that. How pure.
I actually have no words. Am just very happy for you. And for the place you are at.
(((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Well I have tears streaming down my face reading this. I don't have a crystal ball so i won't for a second say begin to analyse all I can say is how proud I am of you, how happy I am of you, and how lucky I feel to have seen you on this path. Look at you. Just look at you. Do you recognise that "soft person" in the mirror you first started to notice ages ago. I'm so happy you documented that. i'm so happy you had that day and that experience. I am astounded at how well you are acting. see you can advise others. not only were able to do all of that but you also did it with no intent to manipulate an outcome and walked away with no expectations. No matter what happens I am so happy for your family to have had that day and no matter what happens I truly feel you'll keep those lines of communication open. I love you Ms Zig!
hi zig, i was crying too reading about your magical evening.. tears because i was so proud of you and tears because i felt like i was there with you during the video show. you are amazing zig. i will read your post over and over bc that is the woman i want to be when my W comes to town.. i am so proud to be on the blanket with you. (((((( )))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
i mean i was smiling so very sweetly when i asked.