I get this Zig, but I do believe that detachment is a big part of being successful here. I struggled with it a lot though. But I can tell you that my most significant progress was done when I was detached from my W and what she was doing.
Hi Denver,
Can you expand on this? I'm still trying to catch up with your thread (about halfway now) and I'd like to hear at which point and how you managed to detach and what the significant progress was.
Thx
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I get this Zig, but I do believe that detachment is a big part of being successful here. I struggled with it a lot though. But I can tell you that my most significant progress was done when I was detached from my W and what she was doing.
Hi Denver,
Can you expand on this? I'm still trying to catch up with your thread (about halfway now) and I'd like to hear at which point and how you managed to detach and what the significant progress was.
Thx
Sure Arsene.
There was the 4-6 weeks right after the initial S (end of Nov 2010-middle of Jan 2011). I don't think that I was detached, but I did manage to have some self control and back way off, went dark, and waited for her to initiate contact me.
End of July/begining of August 2011... First time I considered walking away and being done. I did manage to detach to a degree. Again was able to manage to back way off, went dark, and waited for her to initiate contact with me.
End of January 2012... Again considered walking away and being done. Again managed to back way off, go dark and wait for her to initiate contact with me. I was able to detach a bit more than before.
May 7, 2012 - middle of June 2012... I told W that I wanted D. Again backed way off, went dark. This time though, I was done. Really did work on detachment. And was not waiting for anything from W. This was the first time that I really started to see that there could be a happy life without my W and M. I actually started to get excited about the future. The middle of June is when she started lighting my cell phone up ... and, well, here we are.
So, in each and everyone of those periods that I talk about above, there was more progress than any time when I was actually spending time with my W.
I believe that those periods of time allowed her to learn to miss me. They allowed her the time to reflect on what she wanted for her life. They allowed her the time to grow as a person. They allowed her to see that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
I can tell you that each and every time that we would go through a period of no contact, where I was working on detaching from her, she would always, without fail, end up contacting me. It would usually come in the form of a text about basically nothing. Then the texts would begin to come more frequent. And then she'd be telling me that she missed me, that she loved me, and that she just didn't know what to do.
It was the distance that caused this IMO Arsene.
Now, the times when we were spending a lot of time together was when she had the opportunity to see the new me, the changes that I was making, and how I was growing as a person.
So it all served a purpose. But as far as bringing my W closer to me, it was the times that I was working on detaching, going dark, and waiting for her to initiate contact with me that worked best.
Those periods of time were also when I think that I learned the most about myself. Where I learned what being patient really means. Where I learned about unconditional love. Where I learned what it means to be committed to your spouse in good times AND BAD. Where I learned to persevere through the toughest times of my life.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The women on the board are very good at describing their play-by-plays. You see what works, because you see it as it happens, and you see it isn't one technique.
2 successful men's stories on the board come to mind, because they are not only successful but pretty well described on the board:
Denver 2010 JackThreeBeans
Please feel free to add stories that are successful and well described.
What are you defining as successful? I only ask since you posted this via your mod id. And the two names you mentioned are at two completely different levels in their recoveries.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Yep. Something that I had to keep in mind at all times, and balance.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The women on the board are very good at describing their play-by-plays. You see what works, because you see it as it happens, and you see it isn't one technique.
2 successful men's stories on the board come to mind, because they are not only successful but pretty well described on the board:
Denver 2010 JackThreeBeans
Please feel free to add stories that are successful and well described.
What are you defining as successful? I only ask since you posted this via your mod id. And the two names you mentioned are at two completely different levels in their recoveries.
Please post anything you feel as helpful.
I know many folks are successful, but they don't say EVERYTHING that was succesful for them.
If you look around folks are very descriptive in what is wrong with their spouses. As things start working out, you might find they are together. Andthey might post something they felt important ... but not the individual day by day interactions that helped to bring them togeher. They might not describe that the fact they told their wife how beautiful she was to them, or the fact that woman told her family in front of her husband, what a great man, provider and father he was.
Detachment IS very important for many. Especially for stopping the desperate chase in the beginning that rings false for the partner.
But, for SOME it is just as important to re-engage and perhaps pursue.
There is NO onesizefitsall.
If your coach is suggesting that you test the waters, reconnect, etc, you can bet your coach has a great reason for that.
Detaching CAN be moreofthe same.
If you are unsure and not under the guidance of a coach..........GO THROUGH THE STEPS in DR/DB or KLA.
dbmod,
In what circumstances does Michele teach that pursuit is appropriate?
Is it ever appropriate to pursue when the wayward spouse is still in their affair?
Trying to understand, in the context of the thread title, where the limits lie.
Starsky
am very glad you asked Starsky. I understand that many folks, especially due to the pain, see Infidelty as a completely separate book, topic. And Michele doesn't address it that way. It's a subset (remember CONTEXT) of DR. Besides her Blogs and posts and individual consults, it is not separately addressed. And of course, it isn't indexed in DR.
But you will see it as advice in testing the waters. And even in the Infidelity chapter, Michele NEVER suggests setting boundaries and completely dropping out of the marriage EXCEPT as AFTER THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE...CLEARLY INDICATING THIS MAY END YOUR MARRIAGE.
