"demeaning and belittling to her when it came to money, but I don't know."
Sure you know. Maybe where your uncertainty lies is that it was in the area of money only? Belittling is a sure killer of relationships! Was it ever discussed?
"Maybe it's because after all this blew up she has been lashing out at me and stated that I am very controlling and manipulative"
Protecting yourself in a D can be seen as controlling, selfish, etc. Did she not accuse you of being like that in the past?
Don't give up! It won't be easy, but there is a good chance that you will have a future with your W. It will take lots of time, no expectations, and you turning loose of your need to control her.
Stay in touch with us while you're away on your trip, if possible.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes! I take full responsibility for my actions on how I treated her about money...It wasn't all of the time, but when I did belittle her with my rude & sarcastic comments, I went too far & truly understand how that is very hurtful (hind sight is 20/20). She never really brought it up to me in the past, other than a comment here & there about why I was being so angry about her shopping/spending (no full discussions). Of course I should have read between the lines as her communicating to me that my behavior was uncalled for & unacceptable.
She never really accused me of being controlling or selfish over the years that I can recall...Of course I can't be 100% sure, because she may have made comments or statements to me, but I was too ignorant to pick up on them.
We both have our faults for sure & I take full responsibility for mine! I am focusing on correcting them internally & through the help of my Therapist. I truly feel that over the last 5 months I am starting to feel the changes stick & truly feel better overall because of them.
The second PA happened right after the 1st (kind of back-to-back I think) before she had left me the first time about 2 to 2.5 years into our marriage. I am not sure if you would classify them as PA's or one night stands? I never found out about them until after we reconciled the first time. Her sister & her were very competitive & arguing, so her sister took it upon herself to call me and tell me everything. I almost wish I never found out, but my W owned up to everything & I forgave her. It took me a long time to get over those insecurities, but rebuilt that trust with her. 2 kids & 12 years after that here we are
I firmly believe in us reconciling & have a ton of hope inside about it. Everyone who knows us has stated that we truly were a great team & meshed well together. Thank you for your warm words Sandi, I definitely need them for the road ahead.
I will have laptop with me on the trip, and will be on here as often as possible to soak up the knowledge from Vets & Newbies.
Starsky makes a great mentor. Do you want this to be a sticky? Do you want a separate thread that is a sticky? 'Please click notify if you want either, otherwise, I may forget to check'.
I have had zero contact with W for 4 days now & although it has been nice and stress free, she hasn't reached out to me either
My D has her own cell phone, so W just calls her if she wants to say hi or good night, but I don't know if this is a good thing or not?
With me going to be out of town for 2 weeks starting Sunday, there will definitely be no contact on my part and I will just call D to chat with D & S while I am gone. Definitely going to be a test of my inner strength, as I haven't been away from kids for that long yet since the "B" dropped.
I would also be lying to ya'll if I said that I didn't miss my W also...Of course I am not sure if she misses me...LoL
Of course you miss her! And if you want to know if she's missing you, then you have to give her a chance to miss you. The moment she reaches out will be a million times better (and worth it) than if you'd make the contact.
It is hard and it can feel a bit like game playing as if you're playing hard to get. But your W was hurting a lot when you were emotionally unavailable, depressed, and in your own words belittling. So give her that space to heal from that and let her see you as a safe place to be herself again. right now she doesn't see it that way but she could again if you keep the road home paved smooth.
Being out of town will probably be good for you. Have some fun while your gone since you won't have the responsibility of the kids. Whether that means a round of golf, a few drinks, whatever. Just make sure to enjoy yourself a bit.
[quote=suppo]I have had zero contact with W for 4 days now & although it has been nice and stress free, she hasn't reached out to me either [/quote
Suppo,
No-contact isn't to elicit some sort of reaction out of your wife; it is for YOU. To help you detach, think, heal, grow. Yes, it's also meant to give your wife the opportunity to miss you, but try not to "pull up the carrots" as I call it to constantly check the temperature on that part of it. It's outside of your control, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have NO IDEA what's going on (or not going on) inside that wayward little head of hers.
Precisely the point of that particular metaphor, Cadet. It's like you don't want to have an "Oh crap! They were growing nicely all along, and now I can't replant them!" moment.
