14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Oh yeah, another possible non-db moment today. I decided to jump in and ask him a question that might have set off a negative interaction but felt it was important, and was a big change from how we used to interact.

H got ready to walk to Starbucks and S12 was lying on the couch and I was finishing up dishes. He said anyone want to go with me? S12 said no. H said...anyone? So I said sure! and went along with him. We each took one of the dogs. On the way home I had 3/4 of a hot cup of coffee and the more rambunctious of the dogs. He sometimes likes to jump in the fountain so as we neared it I slowed down and noticed a very pretty little girl in a dress holding a bouquet of flowers next to the fountain. The dog got up a little close to her and H freaked out a little and urgently told me to pull him back, which I did. No harm no foul and H was like why didn't you pull him back sooner? And I said well I did after all. We continued to the stoplight. Then H asked me again why did you let T get all in her face? Did you think that was OK? Why did you do that?

I was about ready to blow it off again. This is a typical old-time type of exchange where he just can't let anyone save face, won't back down, and seems to be looking for some kind of submission I can quite understand. So ordinarily I would just dig in my heels, continue on, and try not to worry about him. I would have thought he was being unreasonable, and I would have felt mild dissatisfaction that I didn't know how to resolve the situation. I decided this time I would not blow it off.

So I said, H, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to start an argument, but I just want to clarify something. When that happened back there you said something and I responded. And then you brought it back up again. What kind of a response are you looking for when you do that? Do you want me to more visibly feel bad about what happened? Do you want me to say something in particular? I just don't know what you want out of that.

H said he wanted to know if I really thought it was ok to let the dog get in little girls' faces. He certainly didn't. It might have frightened her and she might have fallen backward and cracked her skull. He said he takes extreme measures to always be diligent about things that could happen like that. He didn't like that I did not. (Yet again showing me how differently we view the world - I saw a calm smiling child and he saw a potential cracked skull.)

I told him I really did believe the same as he did, that the dog should not be up in people's faces. In fact, I had assumed that we would both feel that way. I did feel bad about what happened and felt bad that I had let myself get distracted by my coffee and the cute girl, but I didn't know what else I could say about it that would make him feel better.

It was an interesting conversation and I was glad I went out on a limb to ask him about it so I'd know more where he was coming from and he'd know more how his bringing stuff up over and over came across.

It was more of an anthropological exploration than an emotional conversation, and I felt like our walk was improved because we'd had it.