Forward, of course what you say makes sense and I thank you for that. And I am sorry for your troubles as well. I am struggling mightly with not being able to reach out to him at this time and I do feel so helpless. He is so alone right now it seems to me, and we had almost 12 years of being the support for each other. Not returning his contacts has made for a stressful week on top of everything else and I have wavered on that decision many times.
I do not resent what I gave up for him. I do not think I if I had to do it over again I would change those things I gave up for him as they were given out of hope and love. He was worth all the sacrifices. Instead I feel terrible guilt that I hurt him in many ways over the years and did not see his need for me to be with him more consistently those years. I was selfish and assumed he was fine with the separations because we were building our future. The ironic thing is now that those dreams are coming true, he is a disaster and not there to enjoy the fruits of his labors.
I do not do things to get back at him however. If I did, I could really blow open his world in a minute with criminal charges, financial devastation as he has never taken me off the joint credit cards or bank accounts, and hae done all I could to smooth his life, perhaps too much as I have been told by others here-handling the real estate contract purchase, his tickets to Russia, his bills, talking with him for hours a day, helping him teach his summer class, letting him visit, keeping his things here, telling him I understand his decisions etc. The only time harsh words are said is in response to his spewing and only after listening to that for more than 20 minutes or having furniture thrown at me or punches thrown. In fact he has complained many times that I am so calm and have a Zen like smile that it irritates him.
But then I think he is more mad at himself then me as he keeps saying I am only fooling myself into believing I am not mad at him, that I MUST be underneath. (Spewing usually follows that statement.) Honestly I am not mad at him, frustrated yes, hurt yes, disgusted with the lies and the fantasy world he has created and sold to some yes, and have lost respect for him because of his actions although I understand it is not really him.
