THank you forward, I appreciate that. I have always been a hyper person, don't need much sleep, worked a fulltime job while getting my degrees, that sort of hyper. And yes the FB posts make me nuts. But right now I feel it is better to know what he is thinking and up to than to be blindsided with surprises. The posts make me nuts because they seem so full of pain and confusion to me, while the rest of the world just sees them as crazy. It has been very hard for me to watch our friends drop off one by one from posting and discussions there. It seems he is so alone now, with no one who really cares, even the new friends-the kids are backing away. And what really makes me crazy is this is so needless and not at all rational.
As to his recent posts-the manic has now shifted to a day of no posts followed by one news story-sensible but his comment following sounded like a little girl to me-"Really, Mitt, this idiot? What a poor choice." Whiney, no analysis, and the use of really is so unlike him. New "hip" word usage and poor grammer is common for him though now. The second post was a sad quote from Gogel-Dead Souls-about asking a question and getting no answer. Seems depression may be creeping in a bit? But some say this is a good thing so I will not interfer or try to rescue him. Unusual that he posted in the morning as this is the time he usually goes running, then quiet the rest of the day-there when the library opened. Trying hard not to worry and get on with my own things but I miss him terribly. New week and new goals to dive in to though so that should help. Got DB and DR yesterday and have been reading them since. The following quote seems to describe to me MLC and his comments through this. Certainly has confounded me. “However stupid a fools words may be, they are sometimes enough to confound an intelligent man.” ― Nikolai Gogol, Dead Souls
PF, If the posts are making you nuts, and they ARE nuts, then you know where his mind is, it means you can't really plan, and you can take a break.
So I did a lot of the things that you did. And even though we've been D a long time, X asked me to help him with something. I've been quite sick and after a while it was like "I prefer not to."
And you know, I thought, no, really, I don't feel like it. Now I work on my own stuff. And I realize how codependent it is to work on someone else's stuff.
It is fun to work on not being codependent! I went out with new people, bought new music, new clothes, new me.
I am so sorry about the child. I cannot even imagine your pain. While I did not lose a child, I had had multiple miscarriages and that had deflated us.
If I may, consider counseling for yourself. DBing is good. I did everything I could, and I can rest easy with that now.
my X D me for "girl child," but when the chips were down she left him (what a surprise). He's now with another woman who is terminally ill.
I have concluded that my problems just weren't big and exciting enough for him. Sympathy in his mind was reserved for people who had huge problems. Had to be bigger than his.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
And PF, I would gently tell you that while I understand your desire to reach out to him, it might not be the right time.
It's not up to you to save his career or to prevent his humiliation and craziness. He is going to have to do it himself.
Another thing that was a hard lesson for me: I had a lot of resentment at what I gave up for X and all the work I did to support him. But bottom line was that I CHOSE to do that. I have no one to blame but myself. And I had to examine who I was to decide why I felt that I had to do those things, and why I saw those things as love.
These comments may not be much help to you now, as you're confused, angry, and feeling helpless and forlorn. And gosh, I remember that well. I was so stressed I didn't drive well! But try to spend your time alone wisely, creatively, and constructively...and try to enjoy it! I enjoyed my time alone, and it was essential to my healing. Give yourself time to grieve, time to restore and repair yourself.
And stop doing things to get back at him. Leave him alone, to sort things out alone. (The books advise on that.) It is really important to stop the FB nonsense, too, and to stop watching his every move and taking it personally. It will just hurt you. Detaching will help you feel less angry and less likely to lash out, and likely more attractive to him for those reasons.
Ultimately things ended in D for me, but I can look at the situation and know that I tried my very best, and I am at peace with that. I also feel that I managed to come through the situation a better person, more aware of who I am and what I need.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Forward, of course what you say makes sense and I thank you for that. And I am sorry for your troubles as well. I am struggling mightly with not being able to reach out to him at this time and I do feel so helpless. He is so alone right now it seems to me, and we had almost 12 years of being the support for each other. Not returning his contacts has made for a stressful week on top of everything else and I have wavered on that decision many times.
I do not resent what I gave up for him. I do not think I if I had to do it over again I would change those things I gave up for him as they were given out of hope and love. He was worth all the sacrifices. Instead I feel terrible guilt that I hurt him in many ways over the years and did not see his need for me to be with him more consistently those years. I was selfish and assumed he was fine with the separations because we were building our future. The ironic thing is now that those dreams are coming true, he is a disaster and not there to enjoy the fruits of his labors.
I do not do things to get back at him however. If I did, I could really blow open his world in a minute with criminal charges, financial devastation as he has never taken me off the joint credit cards or bank accounts, and hae done all I could to smooth his life, perhaps too much as I have been told by others here-handling the real estate contract purchase, his tickets to Russia, his bills, talking with him for hours a day, helping him teach his summer class, letting him visit, keeping his things here, telling him I understand his decisions etc. The only time harsh words are said is in response to his spewing and only after listening to that for more than 20 minutes or having furniture thrown at me or punches thrown. In fact he has complained many times that I am so calm and have a Zen like smile that it irritates him.
But then I think he is more mad at himself then me as he keeps saying I am only fooling myself into believing I am not mad at him, that I MUST be underneath. (Spewing usually follows that statement.) Honestly I am not mad at him, frustrated yes, hurt yes, disgusted with the lies and the fantasy world he has created and sold to some yes, and have lost respect for him because of his actions although I understand it is not really him.
Oh yes as to FB, I think it is important to keep an eye on that right now for my own safety if nothing else. You see, I recognize that he has the propensity to be violent and unpredictable especially towards me but he usually gives some indication of that on FB. So when I see that I can take steps to protect myself like changing the locks which I may have to do again since one of my keys is missing since his last visit. I just have to find a way to better deal with the idiocy of the posts and not take them so personally as you say. That mess has hurt me true and I do need to detach. Part of the reason why I write about it here is to keep a journal of sorts in case he does something, as well as to get out my feelings about the craziness. You see I have been gaslighted too many times by him to trust him right now. The same for the suicide concern.
As to FB today, for the record, we are back to manic-posting at an unusal time-library is closed in the a.m., 6 posts in under an hour, with an additional 3 comments that border on strange, not in his voice at all-like "I wish it were true, no religion or countries. Who wants peace? I do."-Lennon's Imagine. Overall depressive, and getting more dangerous to servicemen in a mass killing kind of way but I don't want to jump to conclusions as he has said nothing about that other than to state he hopes the guy I dated who is in the military will die or be captured while he is deployed to the ME, and I think this is where his anger for the military comes from.
Now to lift weights, run, do yoga, and play with my dogs for myself!
PF, please. Change your locks now and stay out of FB. That is a very lame reason for monitoring and analyzing his FB posts. Hang onto your keys and keep yourself safe.
I think it would help you a lot to consider yourself separate from him and detach yourself from his ramblings and doings. Work on yourself - you cannot save him, only he can do that.
Your reports about his FB activity almost sound like you are addicted to him. Can you block him and try to go for just one day without reading what he's posting?
Your GAL sounds great, exercising and playing with dogs, hopefully that gets your mind out of his business for a while?
Hugs and welcome, please listen to the vets here, they can really help YOU.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
He is an adult, regardless of the foolishness of his choices and/or going crazy or whatever you think is up with him. As the book says, you're not going to be able to educate him regarding his problems. So let him be. He is not your project and he is responsible for himself and his own actions. If you're genuinely concerned for your safety, then get restraining orders and/or talk to attorney and/or police.
IF in the course of this he realizes he needs help, perhaps he can trust you then to be a calm and reliable friend. But you also have some very serious concerns here and you need to keep them in mind first.
It is not your fault that he is acting the way that he is. Sure, you may have some regrets but there are R mistakes that can be discussed. You made the best decisions that you could at that time.
His problems go beyond your R.
But he has to save himself. He is not your job.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Lots of thinking done. Conclusion is I am getting off this train. He is no where near deciding he needs help, and his family and the little girl are only prolonging this as well. They are on their own with him now. I sent him the following email last night-to hell with the program. THis was for me. C, Yes, I have been busy, traveling for a few days, preparing for the future, and making decisions for the three of us. It is not you but the situation that I find bothersome. I understand and accept you as you are after all these years and hold no anger. And as you pointed out many times, my brain is funny in that I tend to focus on the good not the bad and have odd tastes in people. I am only looking to continue forgetting the bad parts of the past, and start on this new unplanned journey. That has been the case during the week we have not been in contact in that I have had time to think and have forgotten so much of the bad, finding an inner peace I did not know existed before. The rest has already been said before so need not be repeated here. The three of us will be fine on this path that has been chosen for us as S&P deserve only happiness, security, and love. If you ever need us, we will try to be there for you.
I have already sent you the travel documentation when I made the arrangements for you and am sorry if you cannot find it. As to the Sprint issue, I have been unable to access that account as "someone" changed the password on it the day I cancelled. Coincidentially, my FB account, both my Skype accounts, and both my personal email accounts were hacked by someone with my passwords at some point when you were here or during the time we were together at X so I have had to deal with that issue as well.
The John Lennon song "How" you posted is beautiful, the lyrics are interesting, and I wonder if that is how you feel. But you see I am going forward because I am sure of things and time continues to pass.
And I thank you so much again for the scarves from X. They will always be among my most treasured possessions as are the other gifts you gave to me over the years. They are beautiful and I will wear them with great pride and depth of emotion, always reminding me of you. So thank you.
Please let me know Monday if you still want to stop out here and say goodbye to the kids as I need to make my schedule for the week and continue with planning for the future for the three of us. Otherwise have a safe trip. Peace, M,S,P
The lyrics to the Lennon song he posted that hit me so hard. I am sure this is exactly how he feels in the hell of MLC and his mental break.
How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing? How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn? How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of? Oh no, oh no
How can I have feeling when I don't know if it's a feeling? How can I feel something if I just don't know how to feel? How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied? Oh no, oh no
You know life can be long And you got to be so strong And the world is so tough Sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can I give love when I don't know what it is I'm giving? How can I give love when I just don't know how to give? How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had? Oh no, oh no
You know life can be long You've got to be so strong And the world she is tough Sometimes I feel I've had enough
How can we go forward when we don't know which way we're facing? How can we go forward when we don't know which way to turn? How can we go forward into something we're not sure of? Oh no, oh no
