Barn's burnt down--

[labug]

Thanks busting, I think sometimes dropping the rope is done strand by strand.

I will let it come to me.

[labug]

but to not try seems so crazy.

I wrestled quite a bit with whether my desire to piece was down wanting to try to make it work out of obligation and loyalty to the marriage or because I'm in love with him. It does seem crazy not try...especially because we're fixers. In my mind anything can be fixed. People who say that something's impossible are quitters. i love a challenge. I love defying stereotypes and statistics. I'm in the "how can we" group whereas H was always in the "that's never going to work so why try"

I missed this post yesterday. Thanks, Brit.

Getting him to try is attempting to change/control him and that's not going to work, so I have to (again) accept that and figure out what is best for me.

Another step in letting go.

This is NOT a linear process. Newbies, take note!

[labug]

Also I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that.

The dreaded RELATIONSHIP talk.

So let me get this straight.

He is depressed and you are giving him SPACE and so he is not moving along with the divorce.
My mind reading would be that he is too depressed to do that.
It is too much work and why bother.

So anyways you want to POKE him with a relationship talk to see how he reacts?

My thoughts are that maybe that is not a great idea.

Something like that.

It is too much work and why bother.

Yes, this is historically his MO in relationship matters.

I need to focus on me and what is best for me right now. (see a previous post of mine^)

[labug]

I need to expand on that a bit. The *why bother* part is probably not exactly correct.

It's more that he doesn't know how to do it and it's scary for him. This is not an excuse as he could learn to do it if he wanted. Just like I have learned new skills.

In his world, it's seemingly easier not to.

[Brit45]

I understand that 100% my H is the same way. I don't think he's happy but he'd rather be less happy than put in the work.

[lillystillinlove]

LaBug, Just reading through your thread. Thanks for letting me learn from you. I especially needed to hear "This is NOT a linear process. Newbies, take note!" I want to keep thinking that progress (what I think is progress) is some place to move forward from, not sideways or backwards. It's a splash of cold water when forward (closer to reconciliation) isn't the direction we move. I also like the depression analogy, you can't just turn off the bad feelings at the tap, you turn off all feelings. Also, Don't Poke the Bear. Lot's of good stuff.

LA, I'm glad to hear you are feeling. I hope the trend continues.

[labug]

Yes, Lilly, sometimes we even go back a few steps but the key is not stopping but doing the next right thing.



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