Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

GWN, Being snotty or condescending really isn't new for him. But there was a time that I didn't take it that way. There was a time that it didn't feel like a judgement, it was playful teasing. Somewhere along the line it changed, at least how I felt about it changed. I think how he means it has changed too.

I'm definitely hypersensitive, I take every incident like that as another reason for him to leave. I'm really off balance around him as soon as I feel negativity my heart races, I'm nervous, I worry about saying the wrong thing. I think 90% of this is me. Even if it's not that much me I need to handle me better. That is the codependent thing I need to figure out.

When it come to his being disrespectful of me in front of our S. I've called him on it and he keeps himself in check.

I honestly don't think that he knows what he sounds like or the impression he gives off. A few years ago he listened to a voice mail he left me and was shocked, he still brings it up. At the time he apologized with tears in his eyes. Isn't that codependent right there! geez...

Ok, I really have to finish that book and figure out some practical steps to change my behavior.

[MrBond]

"it was playful teasing. Somewhere along the line it changed, at least how I felt about it changed."

That happens in all marriages. The thing that attracted you to the person in the first place, changes to the thing that irritates you the most.

[Arsene]

It's good that you managed to make him stop being disrespectful in front of your kid.

As you said, he might not actually realize what or how he's saying stuff. I, myself just realized that I probably am passive aggressive and that I used to use sarcasm and humour to make people feel guilty in order to manipulate them and make them feel small. I had no idea I was doing it and most of it was "subconsciously" done.

It will be an issue to raise with him when you get to reconciliation.

cheers lilly,

Keep it up!

[labug]

Hey Arsene, your description sounds a lot like me. Have you ever read the definition of sarcasm? Sobering.

Lilly,
*When it come to his being disrespectful of me in front of our S. I've called him on it and he keeps himself in check.*

How did you "call him out." These are the kinds of interactions that take patience and thought initially.

I had a difficult time getting through CoDe No More the first time because I was overwhelmed with the enormity of it and the impact it had had on my life.

[Arsene]

I just did Labug. And to think I used to be proud of this "quality" in me. Brrr.

[lillystillinlove]

Arsene

H "prides himself" on being the guy that will say what everyone else is thinking. He's really funny but sometimes his humor can hurt, not only me. He will apologize if he realizes he's stepped over the line. I think he is probably in the same boat. He doesn't realize when what he's saying is hurtful.

LA,

Calling him out was a little tricky, I did it privately and calmly. I let him know that I didn't want out S to learn to treat me like that. He wasn't too sure what I was talking about so I explained that on occasions he will treat me the way his father tends to treat his mother and gave him a few examples. He was shocked and said he didn't think he was nearly as bad as he father if at all. I said he could be and that the severity is irrelevant because the experience is relative. What I experience and what our S experiences did not live your experience so what we feel or learn is as severe as what you felt and learned. He (S)will treat me and future partners poorly because of what he learns from you and he will eventually grow to despise your treatment of me (his mother) just like you despise how your father treats you mother. Do you want S to feel the same way about you as you do about your father. Yes, you love him (his dad) but there are many times you can't stand to be in the same room as him.

He understood and has been conscious of his words and actions. He slips but he doesn't take a reminder as an attack. I don't do it in front of S and that helps.

This is something that I've always been, maybe, attuned to because I didn't appreciate the same sort of treatment my father visited on my mother. My father was more subtle but I fully understood that my father thought my mother wasn't smart or attractive. As I got older I would defend her because I hated it, I always told myself I would never be in that position. I seem to be there sometimes but I'm aware of it and work to change it. I always measure my situation against the one I watched growing up. I have also adjusted a few things in my perception as I've learned about life but I certainly don't like to be made to feel stupid, I know I'm not but sometime I can feel that way. I'm starting to realize that regardless of what someone says if I truly know different, let it go.

Mr Bond,

I totally agree with you. How do I change that?

[Arsene]

You handled that well lilly. Good on you.

[labug]

H "prides himself" on being the guy that will say what everyone else is thinking. He's really funny but sometimes his humor can hurt, not only me. He will apologize if he realizes he's stepped over the line. I think he is probably in the same boat. He doesn't realize when what he's saying is hurtful.

And it's probably a cover for something he's lacking or hurt by. His problem to figure out but you can draw a boundary here. You've been reading Co-De No More, how would you do that?

Calling him out was a little tricky, I did it privately and calmly. I let him know that I didn't want out S to learn to treat me like that. He wasn't too sure what I was talking about so I explained that on occasions he will treat me the way his father tends to treat his mother and gave him a few examples. He was shocked and said he didn't think he was nearly as bad as he father if at all. I said he could be and that the severity is irrelevant because the experience is relative. What I experience and what our S experiences did not live your experience so what we feel or learn is as severe as what you felt and learned. He (S)will treat me and future partners poorly because of what he learns from you and he will eventually grow to despise your treatment of me (his mother) just like you despise how your father treats you mother. Do you want S to feel the same way about you as you do about your father. Yes, you love him (his dad) but there are many times you can't stand to be in the same room as him.

He understood and has been conscious of his words and actions. He slips but he doesn't take a reminder as an attack. I don't do it in front of S and that helps.

Good job.

Do you think this might also have worked?

*H, when you say X, I feel Y and S sees X. How do you feel about that? If you were S how would you feel?*

It gives him the responsibility of figuring this out on his own and removes you from being the teacher/mother.

Just a thought.

[MrBond]

"Mr Bond,

I totally agree with you. How do I change that?"

You have to revert your perception of what he says back to when you were dating and understand that he doesn't mean anything negative about it. And remember that it's just the way he was and always has been and is something that you loved him for.

[lillystillinlove]

Thanks, I was happy with how I handled it too.

LA, I see what you are saying, don't give him a solution let him find it himself. I'd probably be to obvious and he'd either laugh or be insulted. I'm not sure if I agree with him covering something up. Maybe but his mind is quick and sharp. He is funny and always has been, since way before i knew him. Sure he has family history stuff but everybody does. I guess that is for him to work out.

MrBond, I'm going to work on that. I want to stop being so defensive around him. I feel like a cat in a room full of dogs. I have been paying attention and I noted that if he thinks that I'm getting upset during a conversation because he seems to be giving me a "my way is better" attitude, he will back up and say I not saying you have to do it that way, I'm just asking why you do it the way you do it. So, I've been better at not backing down so easily and explaining why I do something a certain way. Now I just need to laugh more. I can so easily get flustered and defensive. A simple conversation about logistics with H so our S can get to TKD class and homework, dinner, etc... because I have an appointment this evening and damned if I don't get tongue-tied and confused.

On a better note, I met with my IC today. It was positive I felt good when I left. I'm trying hard, and most times successful, to detach. She is very supportive and totally believes the GAL thing although that's not the term she uses. Contact from me is made for "business" only via email or text. If it starts a little back and forth so be it. I don't ask questions about his "life". Now I have to work on the times when I actually hear his voice. I also have to work on being happier when I see him, not because I see him, but so the tension is less.

We don't have another MC session until next week due to schedules.

I'm feeling good today, I'll be starting painting classes again this month. I'll have all the paperwork I need to get in to volunteer at my S's new school tomorrow. I'm going out of town this weekend to see a few friends (this is a sensitive subject, I'll explain below, it leads to a question). I picked up new running shoes this weekend and will start trying to run again (hopefully I won't get shin splints again), C25K here I come, again. Purchased 10 yoga class pass, for a new local studio opened by a friend of our. Now I just have to get everything into the schedule.

Now for the friend thing. The people I am seeing this weekend are mutual (very close) friends of us and the other couple involved in this drama. My H is not sure what they know. He know that by connecting the dots it's pretty obvious, he really doesn't want me discussing our business with our friends (this is what lead him to the EA+ BTW), he always been that way. So although I know they know everything I haven't told him that and do not intend to. He will have to work that out on his own and figure out how his relationship with them will work out. They are actually more forgiving of my H than the OW. So, here's the situation this coming weekend. The OW's H will be there too (not sure for how long). I'm nervous, I really don't want to get into a discussion about all of this, I'm really ready to stop talking to friends about it, to just be "normal". So how do I handle that? I mean I know what I intend to do but I don't want to be rude. Also, what do I say to my H? Do I tell him the OW's H will be there? Do I take the chance of him finding out on his own and feeling betrayed? Has anyone been in a situation like this? My heart races whenever I think about this. I want to go but I'm not sure it is the right thing to do.

Can't wait to get this advice, if you have questions I'll answer.