You are spot on about me pursuing! I did everything that the book & ya'll advise against for the last 5 months...You see where that got me I have started the 180's & LRT with zero pursuit. I am not sure how long it will take & as you guys have said, we need to look for small strides. It is way early in the process, so I just need to keep trucking along & analyze what works & what doesn't. I haven't said I Love you or had R talk with her in over 2 weeks...Yay me! It is definitely hard, but I have noticed it has given me a little sense of calm.
This last Wednesday she came by in the morning to say good bye to the kids & wish them a good 1st day. I briefly interacted with her, congratulated her on her new teaching position, Wished her a Happy B-Day, & even managed to make her laugh a little with some off-beat humor like I used to do. I took that as a good interaction so I immediately got in my truck to break off the convo 1st, then waited in my truck for her to hug kids & say bye. I am not sure if this is considered a small step, but I would definitely say it was the 1st interaction we have had in a very long time without her yelling at me or any tension.
Denver,
I have often thought about those as my 2 options as well. I feel that I should hang onto the paperwork as long as possible too (don't want to give in either) & let her bring it up to me. She has made reference to the kids when they are with her (especially) daughter, that she does not want this dragged through the courts. But as I have learned: Believe nothing that they say & half of what they do!
I really don't have the $$ for an attorney, but have consulted with one just in case I end up needing one. My Son (7) asked me the other day while getting ready for school, "What would happen if you just shred the paperwork Daddy"? Then he stated very firmly, "Do not sign it Daddy"! In which my daughter seconded his opinion...LoL
I definitely have to use my time wisely & remember to stick to DBing. I do stress about backslides because I know that they will happen, but as you guys have stated: Learn, Pick yourself up, & move forth.
Starsky, thanks for the recommended thread. I'll be reading it too!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I haven't said I Love you or had R talk with her in over 2 weeks...Yay me! It is definitely hard, but I have noticed it has given me a little sense of calm.
This last Wednesday she came by in the morning to say good bye to the kids & wish them a good 1st day. I briefly interacted with her, congratulated her on her new teaching position, Wished her a Happy B-Day, & even managed to make her laugh a little with some off-beat humor like I used to do. I took that as a good interaction so I immediately got in my truck to break off the convo 1st, then waited in my truck for her to hug kids & say bye.
Hola! So I was your W. Not really I'm not your W. But I was in a sense. All of that happened with us. The difference? When he had his wake up call and decided to not be whiny and depressed and lazy and unhappy and sad and miserable he met someone else and didn't want to give us a second chance. Maybe he would have if he hadn't had such a hard time before that when I was a WAW or if he didn't meet someone or whatever we'll never know. But you're in a fantastic position. You've had the wake up call relatively early and you're in a place to get great insight.
What made me turn around rather than continue walking away is that he stopped all that puppy dog following me around. This man seemed to swing from being emotionally unavailable to emotionally draining. And when he stopped asking me what to wear, what to watch on telly, what do in general or tell me all of his whereabouts it was weird. My opinion my voice didn't matter and all those reasons I had for walking away weren't there. Maybe he wasn't the guy who'd decided to be an old man in our 30s maybe I didn't have him all figured out...maybe he could be that person I fell in love with.
So when she gets upset that you're doing it now and not before that's a GREAT thing. It's upsetting her and she'll wonder why it's upsetting her and she may "act out" more just to prove that it's not upsetting her. But if you can continue to grow, become independent, take care of yourself, look amazing, and be detached from her she'll totally want you back!
Quote:
congratulated her on her new teaching position, Wished her a Happy B-Day, & even managed to make her laugh a little with some off-beat humor like I used to do. I took that as a good interaction so I immediately got in my truck to break off the convo 1st, then waited in my truck for her to hug kids & say bye. I am not sure if this is considered a small step, but I would definitely say it was the 1st interaction we have had in a very long time without her yelling at me or any tension.
Good job...next time don't congratulate her. I know it's sounds mean. Think of yourself as Danny Zucco in Grease LOL
Post here often just to vent if you need to. And I like your attitude of not caring if there's an OM. Don't care in the sense of it not affecting how you act and you're not trying to find out. Keep the focus on your relationship with yourself and your kids.
Note, Starksy's words in this perspective are the "The Last Resort Technique" and are appropriate.
Gucci's words are more toward the 'after the last resort technique' and can end your marriage. Subtle difference in the wordings/techniques.
Stopping the pursuit, the action, doing nothing, dropping the rope....more passive.
'Setting them Free' .... pushing them out the door so to speak, refusing to engage unless they do what you expect and need....that's After the Last Resort.
Q: What made you finally "get it," and want to come here? Improve your marriage? What was it your wife did that finally made you start being willing to do whatever it takes?
Thanks for the insight on what is going through a WAW's mind! I can definitely use more insight like that, just to gain a perspective on what it is she is/may be thinking about.
dbmod,
I am definitely not ready for AftLRT yet! I will stick with Starsky's words & follow what I have read in the book. I read through Gucci's thread just to gain some insight, but am not ready to go to those extremes yet.
Starsky,
I am not 100% sure of what made me get it. I seriously woke up one morning like a light bulb went of in my head. I was trying to truly figure out the phrase Let Go and Let GOD! But I couldn't just truly let go. I think maybe while I was sleeping that night he gave me that little extra nudge to let me know that he's got it covered & to stop hanging on too tightly. When I got to work that day, I started googling stuff & almost immediately it led me to this board. I went out & bought the book almost immediately while taking kids shopping for school clothes. Read through almost all of it & for some reason it all made sense. I realized that I was doing the exact opposite of what I should have been doing & that the more I pursued her, the more she pulled away & lashed out at me with each interaction we had.
Then I looked back at some of the things that I did do right while interacting with her & said to myself (you idiot), why are you not respecting her wishes to give her space etc...So here I am today (5 months) later, reading & learning from MWD and those who have been down the road. My hope is to truly reconcile & have a better marriage than we have ever had before. But I want her to come back because it is what she wants, and not out of need. I think I really did what the typical man in the world today does, which is to take advantage of what is right in front of my face & not be appreciative of what I truly had.
My wife dropped the bomb on me & for some reason I said to myself (what are you doing Dumb A$$?), you truly have a wonderful woman & phenominal mother of your children, and you are throwing it all away. So I said put your big boy pants on and pull your head out of your A$$ before you continue down the same old rabbit hole you have been venturing down for the last couple of years. I saw strength in her when she told me what she did, and realized that she really didn't "NEED" me to survive or be happy. Of course a lot more went through my head as I analyzed my life & priorities, but that would have to be published in a 4 part novel series for later reading...LoL
Also, not sure how much impact it really had...But my sister told me to look up the song "Hold on Loosely" by 38 Special & listen/read the words. For some strange reason, that song made sense.
I think that you have become my unofficial mentor Starsky, if you don't mind?
One thing that I really weak at right now is setting short-term doable goals! I think I definitely need some help doing these, especially since we live in separate houses and don't see each other that often (except kid exchange).
I have to go out of town for work on the 19th for two weeks, which is going to be tough because I haven't been away from kids since this started (other than a night here or there).
I have started the 180's & LRT with zero pursuit. I am not sure how long it will take & as you guys have said, we need to look for small strides. It is way early in the process, so I just need to keep trucking along & analyze what works & what doesn't. I haven't said I Love you or had R talk with her in over 2 weeks...Yay me! It is definitely hard, but I have noticed it has given me a little sense of calm.