What resources helped you make good decisions?

[adinva]

Wondering how people avoid future problems. How can things be set up to create as few opportunities for friction as possible?

My sister was divorced about 10 years ago or so from a doctor, she was a SAHM, and they had three kids. My sister's understanding from the beginning was that H was financially responsible for the girls. He paid tuition for the first two, and now that the last is headed to college he called up my sister and asked for 1/4 the tuition by August 8 please.

My sister confided in me and was eating herself up with guilt and worry and confusion about the right thing to do. Wondering why after all these years he still is calling and asking for money she just doesn't have. Should she tap her retirement account? What about the vacation and new car he just bought for his 2nd wife?

I was talking with my H about this concern I have and how we avoid this, these unnecessary requests for money back and forth, and this feeling of resultant ownership over the other's life decisions, vacations, expenses etc.

H almost predictably took my sister's x's side in this question, and felt it was both their fault that their kids grew up spoiled and expecting everything to be paid for them. The XH shouldn't have to be expected to pay today's much higher tuition costs in full just because he could afford to pay his older kids' costs. And didn't my sister just send $1000 to her oldest who is jobless and keeps asking for handouts? If she can afford that she should be able to afford to help out with her youngest (much more deserving) tuition.

We kind of role played it back and forth and we both think in the same situation we'd agree that the kid needs to take a student loan. H doesn't believe there's any way to avoid this x to x interaction because you can't predict how costs will go up over time. I think the one worst thing in all of it is that they haven't agreed not to use the kid as a pawn, and the XH told his D to call her mom and tell her dad needs the money. So my sister is now worried she'll look like the bad guy and her D will be mad at her for hurting her dad. Awful. I told my H I hope we can agree to never put the kids in the middle like that.

I wonder if this is just a necessary fact of life as a divorced couple or if people find ways to plan so that when they're separated they're as completely separated as possible to avoid this stuff.