I haven't been on here in awhile, trying to keep busy. I had a conversation with H last weekend. I was quite proud of myself, I stayed incredibly calm, and very little tears,practically none, so go me!
Last Saturday my friend and I went to Gettysburg, now we have been ghost hunting since before everyone and their brother had a tv show about it, so we are really not into all the touristy ghost stuff in Gettysburg. We happened to go into a tiny shop who does some of the touristy stuff, but they do actual ghost hunts. They were really nice and found us very amusing, kept trying to talk us into going on one of their ghost hunts. We took their paper, went to get something to eat and looked it over. We went back and decided to go on the 1-3am ghost hunt, and we got lucky no one else signed up! That night I texted H (I was honoring our agreement if one of us wouldn't be home we would let the other know) to let him know I probably wouldn't be home until 4 or 5 am. He responded with OK. We had a great time ghost hunting and I actually got home at 5:30, and slept most of Sunday.
When H got home on Sunday he got this strange look on his face and said, "wild night huh?" I started laughing, and said, "No, but I did something awesome!" (I was still super excited about the experience). He came back and said, "oh yeah, what's that?" and then was like oh no, never mind, it's none of my business. I told him if he wanted to know I would tell him. He did, so I told him. He thought it was cool and said he was glad I had a good time.
Later in the evening we ended up having a conversation, he initiated of course. It was strange through out the conversation he seemed caught up on asking me questions about guys, and making comments (paranoid I guess, even though he "doesn't love me"). He asked if I had found anything out about the house, he said he didn't think I even started working on it, I told him I'm waiting on a couple of people to call or e-mail me back. He went on about how he didn't think I took him seriously. I told him I do, and I understand what he is saying, but I don't accept it, there is a difference. I asked him if he had given any thought to the starting a new and better marriage. He said he's thinking about it, and in the same breath says he still has to leave (um, ok....). I told him he needs to do whatever he needs to make himself happy, but I am standing by my decisions and restated my unconditional love, and my respect for him and that I won't be blamed for his unhappiness. I told him I'm not sitting on some pedestal waiting for him to make up his mind, I'm out ghost hunting, and doing things with friends. I told him yeah, I'm in pain, but I'm choosing joy. He seemed surprised by that. He asked me why I want to stay at the house. I said because it's our home, and it will continue to be my home if you leave, we've put so much work into it, and it's peaceful here, the neighbors don't bother you, you can sit outside and enjoy nature, watch the rabbits run through the yard, etc. Then he randomly asked me about my garden. It was pretty much like most of our conversations, I plant positive seeds, and stand firm, he says he's going to leave. At the end of the conversation he told me he is going to make an effort to be more courteous to me around the house by saying hello, good morning, good night, etc. I told him I would appreciate that because I don't like being treated like the enemy. He said he didn't want me to get my hopes up. I told him I have no expectations. I didn't explain the difference between hope and expectations. LOL He has been saying good night, have a nice day, etc, and it's nice, he still disappears some evenings, can't get too close I guess.
I told my counselor about this conversation. He said it's a good thing he's making that effort, then he had me tell him why. I did. I just told him it's hard for me to have him keep telling me how wonderful I am, but he's still leaving. My counselor then says what does that tell you? I say that it's about him not me. He says exactly. Ok, I know that, have known that, still doesn't make it any easier. My counselor said it's the swings that get me. It's almost like I don't want the positive because I know it's not going to last, that the swing is coming. What a wise man, he's right. The swing gets me, but I do want to positive, I just know what will follow. I'm getting better at all of this though, not taking stuff nearly as personally.
Last Wednesday my car had an extremely flat tire when I backed out of the garage, I couldn't leave the driveway. H was off work that day, he was going out of town. I called him and left a message (he was at the gym). He called me back and told me he would fix it when he got home, he would be there shortly. He did change it, of course I got the usual what would you have done if I wasn't here..... I took the car in town to the same place I did in July, and got 2 new back tires, so all of my tires are new now. I told them they need to name a bay after me cause I'm there so much!
H was actually home all day yesterday, as was I, I had a bunch of housework to do. H did leave to go to the gym, and actually told me he was going to Wal-mart after and asked if there was anything I needed. When he got back, he had actually gotten a bunch of groceries (he's still being weird about eating anything I buy or bring home) and he got the grill out, that's the first time this year and he asked if I wanted a burger!
Oh, and the toothbrush has been in the holder this week, was only out once last weekend. I'm sure everyone was dying to know. j/k LOL
I had a conversation with H last weekend. I was quite proud of myself, I stayed incredibly calm, and very little tears,practically none, so go me! 