Help! What happens now?

[Aray72]

I could use some guidance please...this is my post.

I don't know where to start. But here's where I'd like someone's guidanc/feedback. After being separated from my H for a year, our divorce is finally done. There was OW (sadly a friend of ours). Both denied everything. I started to think that I was paranoid (not H's 1st time w/ infidelity), until I found a phone that H purchased so I wouldn't suspect their text/calls from our account. I had confronted both of them about all the texts/calls that they were making to each other...so they solved the problem by getting their own pre-paid phones. I was so disgusted by what I saw/read. It broke my heart. But even after all of this disrespect, I continued to make excuses for him. Now, that the divorce is final, I don't know how to take a "leap" into my new life. I still love H. I wish I hated him more than I love him (if that makes sense). I want to move on, but I don't want to give up on us completely. What is wrong with me? Where do I go from here? How do I get started?

BTW, I read the symptoms of MLC and it fits his action (or lack thereof) to a T.

Anyone's help is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.

M40 H39
M19+ T20+
S18 S14 S8
S Jun 11
D Jun 12
OW Jul 03
OW Oct 10

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely

If you think it is MLC then post on the MLC board.

[Aray72]

Thank you Cadet.
I want to GAL, but I feel so guilty leaving my kids by themselves. I feel that since my XH is not around much, one of us has to be available...

[~ kd ~]

Aray, you can stick with this thread here. Just to make a reference, I'll post the link to your thread in Divorced but not done:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266708#Post2266708

And I'll post an excerpt from my response in that thread, here:

It is completely understandable that you still love your H. It is normal.

As Cadet pointed out, if you believe your X is MLC, then please do read the MLC forum and information there. Also the MLC chapter in the Divorce Remedy book. It can help understand what you are seeing happen and also help you cope with what has been and what may yet come. It gets better.

You mention that you'd like to GAL but you don't want to leave your kids alone. Be careful about that kind of thinking. Your kids will pick up on your emotions so for their sake, you NEED to pick yourself up and move forward. Also, you need to be careful that in your own grief, you are not projecting onto your kids and also not smothering them. You need to be the rock in their lives.

First and foremost, the only way PAST this is THROUGH this. IOW, you will have all these feelings, in the full range from sad to anger to moments of happiness and also bitterness. Work through these because so many people get confused, thinking that "moving on" means stuffing the emotions. That will only hurt you more.

Next, you are new here so your posts will be moderated (meaning it may take a day or so for them to show up).

The best way to deal with that is to post fairly regularly in short amounts. Using this as a journal / diary is a good way of thinking of this. A couple short entries a day. Also, read other threads and support others, which will encourage others to engage you on your thread. You may not feel like you can "help" anyone else, but support can just be saying to someone, "I understand how you feel that way. I feel the same sometimes. I wish you well."

Make sense? Of course, use your own words and when you empathize with someone, you can certainly add your own experience and how you dealt with it.

So please get and read the DR book if you have not and start planning on some GAL activities. In time, you may also want to start looking within to see what you may want to change in yourself to build yourself up to an even better person than you already are. It will be good for you, good for your kids, and good for any relationships (intimate or otherwise) with people in your life...

[Aray72]

Kaffe Diem,
Thank you for getting me straight on where I should be posting.

Well, my Ss and I went to see my family out of town this past week. We had a great time. The ex called everyday we were gone to "just checking on you and kids". I don't know what to think of it...but I'm working on GAL.

[~ kd ~]

The ex called everyday we were gone to "just checking on you and kids". I don't know what to think of it...but I'm working on GAL.

Keep working on GAL...

You can take your W's "reason" for the calls, and the calls themselves, as positives...

Just don't put any expectations on that behaviour continuing...

Maybe it will... maybe it won't...

Keep moving forward with your growth...

[Accuray]

I don't know how to take a "leap" into my new life.

I've been wrestling with what these next steps might look like myself even though I'm currently still married. I think the path forward starts with meeting new people and starting to create a wider net of friendly relationships. This can be tough on dating sites because there are all kinds of expectations about the path forward.

Personally, I've found www . meetup . com to be an excellent resource for taking that first step forward. There are meetups to do about everything (go shopping, see a movie, go for a bike ride, etc.), and those meetings don't come loaded with expectations -- it's just show up and meet people doing something you enjoy. I did recently join a meetup for people "starting over after divorce" -- it's a group of people in the same situation wrestling with the same issues, you immediately have something in common. Get friendly with them, meet their friends, and build it from there. There are also meetups for single parents that include activities that involve the kids.

You can also start your own meetup, or look for volunteer opportunities. I think the "next step" all starts with getting out there and meeting people. That's never comfortable or easy, and it doesn't happen without effort, you have to take some chances.

Accuray

[Aray72]

Well I found out a few days ago that my ex h moved into a new place. The Kickers is that he moved the ow and her son in. Its so hard for me to get past the fact that I considered her one of my friends/neighbor before she and my ex started their A. I feel so violated, betrayed, disrespected, rejected and many others..
He has our boys this weekend. I'm obssesing of the fact that they are all together. She use to tell me how much she envied my family. How she wished she and her then husband had the same kind of relationship. I was such a fool.
I cannot get these images out of my head. It hurts so badly. I rationally know I have to GAL. But my heart wont let go of him. I was hoping that one day maybe he will wake up from this and come home to work on our marraige and family. How crazy it that?

[lillystillinlove]

Aray72,

I feel for you. My H had (no clue if it's done)an EA+ (they say kissing but no SEX) with a close family friend. We and this other family were very close and I wrongly assumed that something like this would never happen, I felt completely safe with them and the thought never entered my mind. At this point, a little more than 6 months after the BOMB I've come to terms with my roll in all of this and what lead my H down the path that ended in the EA+ but for the life of me I still have a hard time with the betrayal of my friend, the OW. We have know each other for 15yrs. Watched each others children grow, spent vacation time together, we all considered each other family. I'm so confused by their actions how could they do this to our children how could they do this to our families.

Although my H and I are still married we are separated. He hasn't asked for a divorce and says the EA+ is over. I don't know if it's true or not. I still love my H and feel foolish and pathetic because I want to fix this. I want to have a happy intact family. I don't want my S to suffer now or in the future because for our idiocy.

I don't know what I would do if it turns out that my H and the OW end up together. I don't want her anywhere near him, I don't want my S the think what they did was acceptable. I hate this woman with a passion and the disappointment I would have in my H would be almost unbearable.

Paranoid thoughts creep in all the time things like; I don't know where he is, is he with her? I know she's moved out and so has he are they meeting this weekend because no one is keeping tabs? If they are together what are they doing? Why would he/they continue this path? Why would he give up time with our S, how could that even be a choice? It's beyond comprehension sometimes. I have to fight them back or "detach". I can do nothing to change him or what he is doing or will do. All I can do is try to make myself better and live my life for myself and our S.

I've done tons of reading and it has helped. This site has been extremely helpful so far. I've read a lot of the threads here they have helped me gain perspective. Keep coming here, listen to the vets. Best of luck to you, I'll be following your thread.

[NASCARDaddy]

The important thing to remember is that the only thing you can control is yourself. This is a hard lesson to learn and one that I am still working on. Obsessive and paranoid thoughts only hurt you; your WAS isn't going to be affected by them at all. It's hard and it takes time. You can get addicted to negative obsessive thoughts. But you have to break the cycle.

It is okay to be hurt and afraid. It is even okay to be hopeful. But you have to go on with your life. If it was meant to be then he will come back to you, and if not then you are better off without him.

You have two choices right now, you can either let this experience break you or it can make you a better person. I am gonna guess that by coming here looking for answers you are at least leaning toward the latter. So decide what you want to do that will make you better.

Taming negative thoughts takes time. When you find yourself thinking them try and find something else to think about. Don't tell yourself you will not think negative thoughts because then, like pink elephants, that is all that will come to mind. Instead tell yourself that you will think positive thoughts and with practice and time they will come.

So, what do we say to negative thoughts? Not today.