I know that time is probably the best thing I have going. I truly believed if I gave her the space she needs to heal and not be caught up in the emotionally draining conversations we have had the past month, it might give her the chance to realize our family and M is worth digging down and finding the energy to try.
She has told me through this that there is no OM. She does have a male friend at work that is separated and going through the same sitch we are. I noticed there were a lot of texts/calls between them until late at night. I also found out that they were ride sharing the commute to work since May. I asked her about it, and she said there is nothing to it. They are encouraging each other and praying for one another. I have never not trusted my W, and at that point accepted her explanation, but asked that she step back a bit and keep the interaction at work. Other than one exchange of texts, she has. Although, I have no idea about email interaction. I guess in the long run it does not matter. However, I found some comfort in seeing the many day long exchanges, and late night calls stop. It made me feel like she does care about my feelings.
Well, last night was rough. The first night without my W, D7,D2. I have kept firm with not initiating contact. She texted to ask what church service I plan to attend, so I responded. I'm still hurting and struggling with the DBing, but have read a lot about others on here facing the same difficulties, and moving along okay. I'm not there yet, that's obviously why I'm here.
Part of me wants to take her advice and move on, but I know the pain will not be any less, and my love for her will not just fade away. That's why I'm here, to learn and observe what has worked for others and try to implement some DB techniques to whatever R it is I have with my W from here on out. I do believe she loves me, but I don't understand how she can walk away leaving options on the table. We have not tried MC, not tried talking to our Pastor, etc. She says she has been praying for me to "wake up" for years, and now that I show the desire to do whatever it takes, she is done. She says she doesn't trust me enough to change for the long term. When I asked her if she would try MC she said "why? We will just be right back here doing this all again in 6 mo to a year, and I can't do it" "I simply DO NOT want to be married to you anymore!"
I'm not prepared yet to accept that D is the most likely outcome. I have my faith, and know it tells me D is not okay, that we should always find a reason to stay and work on it. I just hope she comes to the same realization at some point. I hope the space I give is good for out R, and not an opportunity for her to pursue OM.
I'm just struggling...floundering, while she just moves on along, seemingly content at where we are at. It's painful...
