X demands full custody because I'm now engaged

[sleeper]

I was posting over on Figgeroni's thread, "X's are like a virus..." but I see I need one of my own.

Recent events:

1) I propose to significant other of several years in July.
2) X calls next day informing me I should have talked to her first (wtf?!?) and she had already talked to a lawyer and would be taking "full custody" of our children. There's no logical reason for such other than X is jealous of fiance's relationship w/children and/or me (X asked to see pic of engagement ring when I next saw her and I have concluded she's basically crazy).
3) I return to town, X makes nice for awhile.
4) School starts Monday, she expects kids to begin living with her (their grades/education is her faux-excuse).
5) I said "no"
6) It's "ON"
7) We have "joint, shared custody." In our state this is perfectly 50/50 split. I am the legal domiciliary parent of our son, she is the DP of our daughter (I think that has to be stated for tax purposes but could mean more).
8) We have always shared the kids week by week (one hers, the next mine) and until now have been the model for co-parenting post divorce.
9) It's ugly now (she isolated DS from OMH and DD and drove him around today interrogating him because he asked me what I would do if I came to get him and mom wouldn't let him go and she had a gun).

I'm sick because she put my son through that. She ended up taking him to a "family counselor" she located on the fly. That's her style because she believes she doesn't have any problems, so such a statement must indicate that other person does. When I stopped answering her calls, she had DS call me repeatedly and was telling him what to say to me (I could hear her in the background).

My son is only 11.

OMH generally seems like a decent guy but she's got him snowed or highly manipulated.

[AJM]

Can I make a suggestion?
Be mindful of your son's feelings in this. When kids get caught in the cross-fire, it can be difficult for them.

My suggestion is to take the high road. The best way to fight this is to not fight. Rather, talk to a lawyer about what's next and if there is a continuation of this kind of thing, talk to your lawyer about what your options are to get her to stop pulling the kids apart for their sake.

And keep a journal of all of it. Even the conversations when she is in the background. Document document document. When the time comes, you may need to be able to rationally (and that's key) detail that information to the courts.

There's just no end sometimes. I feel ya!

AJ

[sleeper]

Thanks, AJM

I had already texted DS telling him:

"I'm glad we finally got to talk. you haven't said or done anything wrong. I love and miss you. Goodnight."

Yes, I'm documenting.

[AJM]

Right. But I also meant indirectly. Such as when dealing with ex. I suspect you are already, so this would just be encouragement to do that.

I know from my own situation, I've made some hard decisions for my kids' sake. My ex is very hostile and controlling as well. Although not to the same degree as you describe.

Good luck on this and stay sharp!

AJ

[sleeper]

I reviewed the divorce papers and I was mistaken. It says:

"The parents shall enjoy the shared legal custody of the minor children, with the basic residential schedule of the minor children providing for the children to reside on alternate weeks with each parent. The parents are each designated "co-domiciliary parent."

[SunFunOne]

Sleeper:

Glad you started your own thread - FLTC may come back and wonder what happened.

Gineen has the right idea. Just continue as always but if she wants something changed - let her do to legal stuff and pay for it. Consult your lawyer ONLY if she does not give you the kids as stated in your agreement.

Now that you have found the agreement - print it out and carry a copy with you. Show her a copy if and when she pulls this stunt.

Keep the "drama" out of the equation. The stuff about the gun. Sometimes kids minds run free. It was probably not good to bring it up to her - drawing attention to it. Just react with appropriate authority (police) IF a real (not perceived) volatile or dangerous situation occurs.

If she took your son to counselling - that is a good thing. You can also do the same so that he has joint counselling with you. And talk to your kids. About how much you love them and enjoy having them with you on your weeks and how time with fiancee will NOT take away from time with them. Does it? Or do they feel they play "second fiddle" to her. Be honest. I'm not saying you're not entitled to marry someone new but be sure you always are mindful of the kids and their feelings.

And as AJM points out - sometimes we DO make sacrifices for our kids. If they TRULY want to live with their Mom (and they tell you that - not being "coached" by her) - maybe that will ultimately be what is best.

Good luck with this. It is NOT an easy situation at all. Just be cautious about pointing out her "craziness" to the kids or making too much out of your son's comment. If you go too far - that in itself might alienate the kids.

Barb

[forward]

Sleeper,
From your posts, I can tell you are a good dad. X obviously hasn't detached. I guess that's an understatement.

Have you considered introducing her to your fiancee? I know this seems stressful but perhaps she will calm down when she has a better sense of who this person is.

As you know, kids are growing up fast and before you know it, X will be in rearview mirror

[forward]

Couple more things:

OMH has problems himself. People who have their crap together don't intrude on others' families. I wouldnt consider him decent, just probably not as crazy as she is.

I am not a lawyer and don't play one on TV, but I bet X's attempts at full custody aren't going to fly anywhere. Courts don't like to disrupt situations that are working, as I understand it.

[sleeper]

X has met fiancé. X has nothing positive to say about her, has often done the opposite. I can only conclude she's very threatened by fiancé. It's sad sad cause they're alike in many ways and fiancé has said X is the kind of person she would enjoy spending time with as a friend. They're so much alike physically people have walked up behind fiancé and myself and called fiancé by X's name. The kids even say, "Dad has a type (he's attracted to)." I think any posibility of them getting along has now been destroyed.

[SunFunOne]

Question...

Why do many guys go for the same "type" of woman when clearly that woman wasn't right for them as evidenced by them walking away and treating the guy badly.

Opinions?

Barb