Hi labug,
I feel I know just what you're going through at the moment.

I too was here:
"I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that."

And my H, like yours, has been making so many steps towards being around us more in a normal way lately.

But then he announced he was going on a trip OS and sure enough next day he told me I'd be served with D papers while he was away.

So like (the new) him to do it this way.

Where we live, all that's required is an application for D and then one month later, it is granted. So by the time he returns from his holiday with OW (to a number of destinations in the world that have significance to our family) it will all be done.

I had the R talk - acted on my emotions - just wanted to know before he left why he had to D me so fast. It was exactly one year to the day that he separated from me that he applied. The first available opportunity.

He just said it was because I'd said to him once during separation that 'You are still my H and I am still your W" and he didn't want to hear that any more. He said he'd made his decision (to D me) and he needed to move on. He didn't want to talk any more. (I didn't point out that he still seemed to want to see me every day and talk on the phone..)

All the standard script. No news there.

So I'd advise not trying to discuss it with him. There is no point. It just serves to reinforce his belief that he's doing the right thing.

As you know, you need to be prepared for a bumpy ride. I am astounded by how much his action (of applying for D) has thrown me back into a state of utter despair. I am depressed, crying, and so sad.

And I knew this was coming. I've been living as if divorced for a year; and yet I still didn't believe it.

And like you, I still can't believe that this is happening.

I guess it just takes a bit longer to sink in.

At the moment I'm finding some relief in thinking that H is dead. Is that terrible/stupid?

Trying to thought-stop, in a way, by tricking myself into believing that he has died and that's why he's no longer around.

I can do this OK at the moment because he is physically not here for 3 weeks or so. Hoping by the time he returns I'll be strong enough to not want to have anything to do with him; that he really will be 'dead' to me.

OTOH, maybe it's the first sign that I'm just going mad.

But anyway, I'm with you in this, believe me. I have my arm around your shoulder and we're holding each other up.