Well I gave it one last ditch effort, a final push to try and power through all this nonsense before school starts back up. I had loaded a bunch of emotionally charged songs into one playlist the day before. After work I came for the main event and set the stage as best I could.

I went for a run to try and make myself physically exhausted. I grabbed the emotional songs on the mp3 player and with the help of a glass of wine.....or 2, sat on the floor in a room in the dark. I tried to visit each thought that has been bringing me sadness or anger. I wanted to visit the dark places of my mind and just surrender to it all.

I failed. I got too easily distracted. Where i encountered hurt, I found resolve. Where I encountered anger I couldn't find it's purpose. Every negative thought or feeling was followed with "why?".

I even tried to write all my feelings in a letter to mail to myself. I'd heard the physical act of mailing yourself the letter to tear apart later is therapudic. I struggled to find the resolve to finish the letter and found that the more I tried to find something to write about the less I had to write. I'll mail it Monday anyway. Whatever, I tried.

I prayed before going to bed, daring to be so selfish as to ask what I'm supposed to do now? What more am I supposed to do? What is wanted of me? Just tell me already......

I know I'll not be told. I know I have to do or see something, but it will not be as easy as just falling into my lap. This $ucks.

So school starts for me and the kids this coming week and I feel as though I accomplished nothing in regards to personal growth in regards to pushing through the hurt. I'm right where I started with the feelings of wanting to meet new people and do new things, but then not feeling like it.

I just don't know what it's going to take. I guess I'll continue to be selfish for now by praying for help to let go of her.

I didn't look at her today, nor did I acknowledge her. I felt nothing. S12 is having a hard time with EA/OM's kids and I still can't do anything about it. He hates that EA/OM is always around, but I'd be dissapointed if he wasn't because that would mean I'm wrong.

S6 chimed in today to make things hard. We were just talking about "stuff" in general and I was asked if I would take him on a trip here and there. I told the boys I want very much to take them on a trip and have plans to go to 1 of 2 places depending on the cost. With every idea came input from S6 that mom would come with us when we get back together and she'll sleep in the same bed as me.

This was taking it too far for S12, but I stopped him short of responding to his brother and told S6 to never let go of his dreams. The damage was done for several hours. S12 is in a better mood of sorts right now, but it took a few hours. Admittedly, those words coming from S6 were hard on me too and not because I feel hopeful, but because my W couldn't see through her MLC to notice what she's done/doing to them and chose to leave instead.