Laughter, I love laughter...thanks KD for the posts, okay how about insight and laughter, that would be more truthful. The laughter was regarding "affair down", I never looked at my situation that way. I compare myself to OW and try to wrap my thoughts around the craziness of the OW my H has chosen. The OW is 28, parties, weekend trips to concerts and events, constantly leaves her children with her parents during her visitation week, and looks worn out. The OW was married once, then had an affair with her H's friend, then that friend moved in with her, then she had an affair with that mans friend, who then moved in with her, that friend was someone my husband was friends and then...tada...she messed around with my husband, broke up with that man and moved my H in a few months later. Whew...The comparing is hard for me a lot of the times. I LOVE being a mom, wife, and holding down the home. But, my H complained a lot about US not doing things. We had our yearly vacation as a family, but during the rest of the year not so much. Typical weekends were spent catching up on chores at home, watching a movie maybe, hanging out with the kids. It was hard for our family to go do things as a group, we have to take two vehicles and we have children with special needs. When my H moved out my MIL stated to me, "You have manipulated and controlled my son for years, he just wants to have fun, the OW is a nice girl, let him go, get on with your own life"!!! That was a punch in the gut, and wasn't even easy to type and put out there for everyone to read here. I stopped being fun. I read a post that mrbond had to someone, it hurt to read, but I think I need to pay attention to it. Mrbond stated...the OW isn't feeding your H's ego, she is giving your H what he wasn't getting from you.... In all honesty, It makes me feel better sometimes to think of what the OW looks like and say to myself "eww", and she looks, in my opinion like a female version of Marilyn Manson:) But, she is providing my H with the fun...he must have really missed having fun, because that is all he does. 4 days a month with our children and the rest is NO responsibilities, fun, fun, fun! Okay... enough of my trash talk. I am working on doing the opposite of my norm, I am doing things, not just staying home, it is uncomfortable...and it is fun.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
Taking a full day to decide on an action here. My H texted me stating he needed to pick up the kids early for his weekend if that would be okay. He hasn't texted me in a month, so of course I wanted to reply instantly. But I haven't. I have been taking a long time to really think through how I should handle this. First of all, I know the reason he is making the request, he and our D18 are heading out of town for an event she has. They need to leave a couple of hours earlier than when I am supposed to deliver our children. So, even though I shouldn't think about the why's of his actions, I am. Our other children aren't attending my D18's event, and so I believe the OW will be watching them. I suppose my brain is turning wondering why he just didn't have me do the regular routine, but not be there and have the OW "greet" me? Plus his request is for him to pick up our kids, I am required to deliver them to him and he has stood firm in not doing me any favors. I know it shouldn't matter. Just don't react and respond with an action that is opposite of what I have done in the past, right? Right? pfft...So instead of making up some excuse that he can't pick them up early, and that we have to stick to the scheduled time-( aka: saying NO), I need to say "yes" and just let it be...no questions, no controlling behavior, no drawn out conversation of how I have re-arranged things to accommodate his request....just a "yes, that should work" and let it be. Who knows, maybe I should look at this as a gift of not having to be face to face with the OW, that makes me thankful.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
There can be a lot of reasons why you stand firm in the schedule.
What I'm not clear about is, this appears to revolve around D18 getting to her event on time.
If this was just your H picking up D18 and taking her to the event, but the other kids were staying home with you... would you tell your H "no" and have your D18 be late to her event?
If it was someone else taking D18 to the event, would you tell them "no" you can't take her two hours earlier than the time I want her to leave?
From where I sit, the focus should first be on the kids. I think it would be OK for you to say "yes, under these circumstances, that makes sense and will work for me."
Just stating that you do not want this to set some precedence.
There's pros and cons to this and sometimes maybe too much wiggle room... still... it's something that I've stood by... it's about the kids...
Happy Thursday...today was a good day. My dilemma from yesterday was resolved without any action on my part. H called today and was pleasant, he asked if I had time to talk. I am not good at instant control of my emotions at this point and so I was very nervous. I just tried to focus on being friendly. H asked if there was anyway we could swap his visitation weekend, he has an event with our oldest D that he has to attend this weekend. I already knew what was going on from info from our D but , I didn't react. I figured, it was an event between my H and our D , so it wasn't my business to be nosy. I figured if something needed to be arranged regarding our other children, H would need to handle it, since it was his weekend. So he originally asked to pick our children up earlier than scheduled via text Tuesday, I took a full day to think about my response, and hadn't yet. So, then came the call. He simply stated that he was aware that our D18 had informed me of her event and he wouldn't be around to see the other kids, so if I wouldn't mind switching weekends. Honestly I didn't mind, and I didn't have a hard time with my response. I simply stated that it would work. He even said he would take the kids Labor Day weekend for 3 days, for the swap. To top it off he thanked me for making a payment on a bill he is responsible to pay. Back in June, after a court hearing for temporary orders, I noticed an error in the child support calculation. It took $400.00 too much from my H paycheck. Although the error was in my favor it was wrong, so I informed my attorney. My attorney was apologetic of the error that he and the other attorney missed and stated he would get it corrected. Well that has taken some time and so my H has had too much withheld for child support. So when the cell phones were disconnected I just made a payment. I felt it was the right thing to do. My H stated he would pay me back. My reply was " If you feel you need to, but it is not necessary. I do not expect to be reimbursed. I am sorry the error regarding the child support hasn't been resolved". It was a decent conversation, the first actual dialog without children present conversation. He sounded so worn down. It couldn't have been easy for him to ask me for something and I tried to pay attention to that and pay attention to my words so that I didn't come across as critical. My norm is to criticize my H for his lack of planning and be frustrated. I did the opposite, I was calm, no reaction at all. I also noted that my H actually did plan, he already had an idea on what weekend he would swap for, and it's a 3 day holiday that he could go off with OW and party. I am amazed at how much energy changing my actions takes, and it is extremely challenging to remain focused on goals, but at the end of each opportunity I have had, I feel better.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
Reading - How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it. I am terribly sad to realize I don't understand how fear,shame,anger,resentment,blame and criticism have saturated me. I am embarrassed to realize I have been so self absorbed. Kaffe Diem-you suggested I think about shame, and how it relates to my feeling embarrased. I am working on this. The book has allowed some, ah ha moments, my typical behavior towards my H, from my fears, has created shame within him. At least this is my interpretation of my reading, and it makes sense. I have been so stuck in my own discomfort, it is difficult to realize that my H has fear, shame, embarrassment and blame as well. I have had a very incorrect view of my H. I viewed him as having no fear, he is a man. He would never be embarrased, he is a man. He didn't need me, he is a man. I have no idea how to organize all of the insights I have opened my eyes to since joining this forum. I am overwhelmed at how narrow minded I have been, and wanting to become better, yet not knowing how to get there.
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
Today I get to practice those actions I have been working on with some lengthy contact with H. First of all, it takes me a while to process any conversation with him, I have to really focus on how I respond. That being said, I am seeing that I am not as reactive as before. It isn't so much that I am focusing on NOT being reactive, that is one of my goals, but broken down I try to find a way to respond that is POSSITIVE and not critical. I hope that makes sense, it seems to be a positive change for me, some of the things I would react to, just aren't worth my energy. H called me again yesterday, multiple calls this week has me a bit on edge. This is a double edged sword for me, I want more contact, but here I am getting it and I am nervous about keeping myself regulated and focused on my goals. H asked if there was anyway I could share taking care of our grandson during our D18's event this weekend, if I was willing to help him he would appreciate it. The thing is, I decided to attend the event last minute, I just found out about it this week and it is in another town. H, D18 and grandson will be staying the entire weekend, I would just be going over for one day. H told me that he doesn't need to be at the event all day today and that between us we could share the care of our grandson. H also said he was hoping I would be over there because he wants to talk to me about something. EEeeeek. H planned again, 2x this week he has asked a favor and had a plan. I used to be so critical of him for his lack of planning, I over planned everything. I am glad that I keep my mouth shut enough to let him talk, it was a relief to let him share the plan. First off, it made sense, and secondly I didn't feel the pressure of needing to take care of things. Here is where I am afraid, I want so badly to make this opportunity a positive interaction. I am afraid that I don't have a solid ground with some techniques to get me through an entire day of interaction. My goals are SO basic right now, eye contact, smile, no reaction, friendly and a 2 minute conversation. I am working on having no expectations, I am not there yet because I noticed I am expecting H to be friendly based on our interactions the last few days. I am also afraid that OW will be present, and how I would present myself in that situation. This is about our D18, and I know that is where my focus needs to be, but my reality is we won't be actually with her all day. I am all over the place this morning, I can't get my thoughts in order as I am typing. I have a 2 hour drive to the event so will have a lot of thinking time. I am going to do my index card trick and create some goals just for today. I am going to keep my focus on D18. I am going to stick to my goals regardless of presence of OW, I will be friendly and approachable no matter H's demeanor, I will not react. I hope these will get me through this day and that I come out at the end of today with a sense of accomplishment. I am nervous, scared, happy, and excited all at the same time....
M 43 H 43 M 21 T 24 Bomb 9/2011 EA 9/2011 H moved out 10/2011 I filed for D out of anger 2/2012 H moved in with OW 3/2012 focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012 found DB 7/2012
I am going to stick to my goals regardless of presence of OW, I will be friendly and approachable no matter H's demeanor, I will not react. I hope these will get me through this day and that I come out at the end of today with a sense of accomplishment. I am nervous, scared, happy, and excited all at the same time.... _____________________
Congrats I remember when I got here. All I wanted was to get to the end of the day and say I'm proud of how I lived today. That nervous, scared, happy and excited it's the giddy feeling of becoming a new you!
