Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Arsene

H "prides himself" on being the guy that will say what everyone else is thinking. He's really funny but sometimes his humor can hurt, not only me. He will apologize if he realizes he's stepped over the line. I think he is probably in the same boat. He doesn't realize when what he's saying is hurtful.

LA,

Calling him out was a little tricky, I did it privately and calmly. I let him know that I didn't want out S to learn to treat me like that. He wasn't too sure what I was talking about so I explained that on occasions he will treat me the way his father tends to treat his mother and gave him a few examples. He was shocked and said he didn't think he was nearly as bad as he father if at all. I said he could be and that the severity is irrelevant because the experience is relative. What I experience and what our S experiences did not live your experience so what we feel or learn is as severe as what you felt and learned. He (S)will treat me and future partners poorly because of what he learns from you and he will eventually grow to despise your treatment of me (his mother) just like you despise how your father treats you mother. Do you want S to feel the same way about you as you do about your father. Yes, you love him (his dad) but there are many times you can't stand to be in the same room as him.

He understood and has been conscious of his words and actions. He slips but he doesn't take a reminder as an attack. I don't do it in front of S and that helps.

This is something that I've always been, maybe, attuned to because I didn't appreciate the same sort of treatment my father visited on my mother. My father was more subtle but I fully understood that my father thought my mother wasn't smart or attractive. As I got older I would defend her because I hated it, I always told myself I would never be in that position. I seem to be there sometimes but I'm aware of it and work to change it. I always measure my situation against the one I watched growing up. I have also adjusted a few things in my perception as I've learned about life but I certainly don't like to be made to feel stupid, I know I'm not but sometime I can feel that way. I'm starting to realize that regardless of what someone says if I truly know different, let it go.

Mr Bond,

I totally agree with you. How do I change that?