I've stood this long because I have thought up till now that the piece of paper saying we're divorced wouldn't make much difference in how I am. I needed to move through this process at my pace and have done that and become a much different person. A person my h doesn't really know at this point. That's the sad part.
Also I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that.
The dreaded RELATIONSHIP talk.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Also I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that.
before doing so, could you spend a few days - just sitting with that, and breathing into it, until there is a space around it and find out what's in that space?
you have to find that out, before you can have the R talk, don't u think?
labug - i hear a tiny bit of self-denigration toward yourself. and more than the expectation issue, i think there is the time factor issue that is at play here.
if you remove the time factor - how long it's been, how long will it be... what does that leave you with?
it's like KD keeps pointing out to me - I'm where I am until I'm not there any more and then I'll know it.
I'm trying to lean into that and leave all the other things out. It's possible that you only have to have that talk when you know where you are.
could everything else just be hoping that a nudge will influence an outcome?
I don't know...
what i am starting to see more and more clearly is how circular this all is - we come full circle on one thing and think the circle is complete and then the next and the next circle, and then suddenly we're back at a circle which we thought we'd left behind and have to go through the process all over again.
might this be one of those circles that need to be repeated, where you find something new for yourself?
i think many of us think of you when we are floundering - your strength in standing this long has been an inspiration to us, especially in the face of your growth and self-awareness - you've been a quiet beacon here on the board - aspire to where bug is. but i also think that the most beautiful thing about where you are in your strength is also your acknowledgement of how this comes up again periodically and how you deal and go through it in this quiet balanced way. your honesty is really touching to me - you teach us how to do it right
so labug - maybe to just be where you are - it's the best place, and then you'll move into another circle when this one has taught you what you need to know
i hope you have peace today
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi Bug, I'm a fixer too and my H loved to be rescued. From his mum to his ex to me to his now current GF.
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Maybe my interference kept him from gaining that skill.
don't take on his short comings. How many skills have we had to learn since separation? How many skills have we chosen to learn since then to become a fuller, happier, more balanced person? LOADS. everyday we come here and talk about our growth. You more than anyone on this board I think does such a great job of reflecting in how far you've come and your desire to go further and learn more. I had to accept that some people don't want to change. I don't think my H enjoys having people fix his life he feels inadequate and yet he keeps doing it but that's his choice.
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but to not try seems so crazy.
I wrestled quite a bit with whether my desire to piece was down wanting to try to make it work out of obligation and loyalty to the marriage or because I'm in love with him. It does seem crazy not try...especially because we're fixers. In my mind anything can be fixed. People who say that something's impossible are quitters. i love a challenge. I love defying stereotypes and statistics. I'm in the "how can we" group whereas H was always in the "that's never going to work so why try"
Focus on you and work on not giving that black dog a visit at your house! LOL Big hugs I know you'll come out okay. I really do have faith in you!
Also I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that.
The dreaded RELATIONSHIP talk.
So let me get this straight.
He is depressed and you are giving him SPACE and so he is not moving along with the divorce. My mind reading would be that he is too depressed to do that. It is too much work and why bother.
So anyways you want to POKE him with a relationship talk to see how he reacts?
My thoughts are that maybe that is not a great idea.
- wow, i am still so afraid of showing my true vulnerability and weaknesses, that even on line, where there is a semblance of anonymity, i still manage to give this impression of being really strong and capable - and possibly create a situation where i don't get the help i truly need because i hide behind this facade ( and all of a sudden, i see how i did that since i was a very young child - staying bold and defiant no matter how much i was hurting inside - groan groan - it's still like that, after all this work? wtf? when does this effing end?)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
