well here i am "expecting" some concrete specific help as in 1, 2, 3 and then i am getting something totally different - a request to do it myself AND a request to start a thread to help others.
so are people seeing me different from how i see myself? do i give this different impression of being so strong that i still hide my real weaknesses. and then when i try to ask for help the general answer is that - look at you you don't need help here, in fact you should be helping the others.
and it brings me to thinking - wow, i am still so afraid of showing my true vulnerability and weaknesses, that even on line, where there is a semblance of anonymity, i still manage to give this impression of being really strong and capable - and possibly create a situation where i don't get the help i truly need because i hide behind this facade ( and all of a sudden, i see how i did that since i was a very young child - staying bold and defiant no matter how much i was hurting inside - groan groan - it's still like that, after all this work? wtf? when does this effing end?)
and suddenly i see that in my efforts in DB'ing and following the 37 rules - have i taken it to such an extreme that i have actually convinced h that i am just fine without him? something to think about
so another circle opens.. how to learn to show my real vulnerability, so that i can get the real help i need. how to be vulnerable and open and not feel the unknown threat?
you are seeing the... connection... between betrayal and expectations
yes, KD, i think i am - and it's thanks to you
can't you just write this all out as a book so we can read it and get it all in one fell swoop
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
