telling my story of the cuckoo

[MrBond]

"On some level, I fear for the safety of the little girl."

Actually I'm surprised you're not more concerned. Knowing the threats he's made. Plus the way you keep referring to her as the "little girl". It doesn't sound right. It's as if you're deflecting alot here and lets face it, your H had a big role to play in their R.

What you describe as fearlessness on your part, almost comes across as masochism. It's like you are intrigued by the drama and can't help but indulge in it.

That's why I asked about the C, to which you didn't answer my questions. I'm just pretty concerned for all parties. Actual suicide we've seen on this site as well as violence, so it's no laughing matter.

IMHO.

[professorfiancee]

Why should I be concerned about her? She is just about as crazy as he is, and if she were not feeding into his craziness I think he would have gotten help already. I have concrete reasons for this belief. But then I try to remember that she is so young, so sheltered and so weak herself, and that is when I worry for her. And he is a much older man, with great influence over her life. But, she has kept his fantasy world alive and fed and validated his delusions about me, even threatening to kick my a$$ for "hurting" him. She has put up with a lot from him. WHile they were together in the foreign country supposedly having such a magical time, every night and many mornings he was on the computer talking with me, telling me how much he missed me for hours. She was clearly there, watching him do this, was angry, wanted to go out and such, and he just seems to have refused, even changing his schedule which changed hers to accommodate mine. He talks about me to her so much, and now his messages to her are rather short and have lost much of the sexual quality they had for a bit(he did not even want to hear about the dream she had of him-just ignored that!!), but he still talks with her nightly when she calls him except when we are together. Not really sure what that means though. She is like a diversion from the pain of reality.

As to masochism, I do not like pain, but it seems that forward progress is not made in life until the pain that is blocking it is faced so that is what I prefer to do, face it and move forward. And I do not like the drama, but I do think it needs to be studied to find the root cause so that it can be eliminated. So I put myself aside and try to look at it clinically emotionlessly usually. And yes, I fear virtualy nothing for myself as I have already faced most of my things and lived through them, and am generally happy except with this one area of my life. But for him, I have great fear as he seems incapable of facing his things at this time.

As to suicide and violence, I sense he is moving closer and closer to both as time passes. If I communicate with him, he seems to move away from those two options somewhat but stay in place as to facing his issues, which is why I am torn as to this LTR and NC. He keeps asking me to be the one to contact him but I refuse. For months now he has been the one to always contact me and has done so on a daily basis until these last few days when I have refused him, and the manic behavior has escalated in leaps and bounds. But the break has been good for me as I have had time to regroup and think. Thank you for you thought provoking discussion and please keep up the hard questions and telling me when you think I am full of BS. Today I have more of a sense of peace to begin my day with.

[professorfiancee]

2 Questions, putting aside the craziness of violence and suicide, would someone have a minute to explain to me what is going on?

1. Why does he refuse to tell the "adults" in our lives that we are split up? For example, at the university the director of the program told him how happy he was to see an academic based couple so close, so perfect together, and so happy together. He just froze, then smiled and thanked the man. The man that was staying with us there is one of our best friends, and he did not know until I told him either.

[professorfiancee]

2. Related question-at the gym so many people we do not know came up to tell us how great we are together,how much fun we appear to be having working out, and how we are perfect partners, and to ask workout related questions. When that happened, He just seemed to freeze, have this puzzled look on his face, and then thank them. Then he turned to me and said, "They are only being friendly because of you. If I were here alone, no one would talk to me." I just said, "I see." What is he trying to say and how should I have responded?

[Cadet]

WHile they were together in the foreign country supposedly having such a magical time, every night and many mornings he was on the computer talking with me, telling me how much he missed me for hours. She was clearly there, watching him do this, was angry, wanted to go out and such, and he just seems to have refused, even changing his schedule which changed hers to accommodate mine. He talks about me to her so much, and now his messages to her are rather short and have lost much of the sexual quality they had for a bit(he did not even want to hear about the dream she had of him-just ignored that!!), but he still talks with her nightly when she calls him except when we are together.

For months now he has been the one to always contact me and has done so on a daily basis until these last few days when I have refused him, and the manic behavior has escalated in leaps and bounds.

In the first paragraph in above quote you must realize that YOU are the OW as he is with her talking to YOU.
So she has taken on YOUR role and the only way for him to face himself is for you to stop enabling him.
The OW has choices to stop.
They choose not too.
What are you choosing?

In the second paragraph he is showing clear signs of clinging boomerang and of course when you stop your enabling he is panicking. - GOOD!

Things do not get better in MLC until they get worse.

Trying to avoid the deep dark hole of depression is part of REPLAY.
The sooner that they slip into it the better chance that they may be able to claw their way out.

This is hard stuff but you need to let him go.

[professorfiancee]

Ok a third question with having time to reflect these past few NC days.
3. Lately he seems to be changing his script about me (Ok yes, during times of sanity.) I was prepared for the usual script about our "fundamental differences", how we are "mortal enemies" and how our relation is "toxic" so has to be ended. But he changed to:
A-Before he said the shy kind woman he fell in love with is dead, but two weeks ago he said, "It is so obvious to anyone with a brain that you are shy and kind."
B-Before he said vague things about how loving someone could hold you back in life, and how I had made it difficult for him to do research because I always told him I missed him. At the university, he said, "No, you never held me back from anything." Said just minutes before the monster moment actually.
C-Again at the university, he said, "You will have such a great life without me (more about the great job I will have)." "Aren't I just a joy to be around?" 30 seconds later he was throwing furniture.
D-Discussion of how my parents handle their differences in an argument compared to his parents. He was glued to that conversation for 10+ minutes, asking me questions and describing his parents fights but then monster reappeared after he was silent for about 5 minutes while running on the treadmill.

Is this some sort of weird progress and an indication that he is thinking more clearly at times, even progressing through the tunnel?
If so, then why revert to monster? And why did monster disappear so quickly and he make such efforts to help me with my research?
Any help with how I should have responded to those statements would be much appreciated as well.

[professorfiancee]

MrBond-I am terribly sorry I missed that question and only now saw it. Am I carrying turmoil? Perhaps, I would expect so. It does not usually come out. As to our daughter, I am at peace with knowing that she is in heaven, no longer in such pain, comforted by God as only he can do, and will be there when I get there someday so I will be with her again. She is alive in my memories and in my heart and mind. As to my first ex-yes turmoil there likely but I did not know until the similar circumstances came up with Him-meaning the violence. I know I react poorly to threats, bullying, and intimidation because of the past. It is where the anger comes from.
Counselor gave me time to vent my anger and methods to deal with it and the frustration. She said I had been through a lot and just needed time to process constructively. Why stop? Job transfer to a new area and a much more sensitive security level. The Counselor felt this was Ok to stop since I was moving on with my life and no longer so angry.

[professorfiancee]

Hi Flier Cadet! So I am the other woman? How funny! I would never have put up with that crap from him if I were her. He would have partied with me and enjoyed the city with me or I would have been out of there and doing it myself. And likely that computer would have been broken or disabled covertly. But this is what I mean about her being a weak little girl. WHo in their right mind wants to hear about another woman for hours and watch the man tied up in conversations with her daily?

The OW has choices to stop. They choose not too. What are you choosing?
Am I the OW here with choices to stop or is she? Or perhaps we both are? And with NC did I choose to stop enabling the crap?

I am unfamilar with the term "clinging boomerang" but if this is good, then GREAT!! Is the manic behavior his form of panicing then? Wonderful-said with sarcasm- as I am really enjoying that. When he left Monday, he told me twice to call him about going to the museum and to his visiting again. I told him both times that he would have to contact me as I did not know his schedule, but that I was planning to go to the museum with or without him so he would have to let me know when he was free and see if the times matched up, and same for visiting again-let me know your schedule and we will see. If he does not call, I will go anyhow so no problem, and the visit-well his choice. I am ok either way, actually simpler if he does not since I am back to not sleeping well.

MLC gets worse than this? Wonderful-again sarcasm. No enabling is my plan so I have not answered the email about the cell phone cancellation or the receipt from the flight as with a bit of effort he can do both on his own. Be a big boy.

So he is trying to avoid the dark pit I take it with the manic behavior and the discussions with the little girl. Sort of figured that when I sensed him getting restless the day before he left, and being so happy to leave until I also seemed so happy about him leaving. Then he was puzzled and grumpy and began following me around the house asking questions about my clothes and my belly dancing class.

So I just keep doing what I have been doing then? Oh, and work harder on letting him go-what else should I do to do that?

[25yearsmlc]

I did not mention I suppose because I was so focused on him and his behavior, trying to figure out what was going on and what would come next so I could be prepared.

Did you ever read the Div Remedy book? I cannot tell.

Do you notice how much you are writing about HIM? See, this place is Solution based--- so we focus on the person who is HERE posting. He's not here. YOU ARE HERE.

So we can't do anything for or about him. Neither can you.

You must keep your focus on what you CAN Do,

and you are the only person you can control. Think about that.

YOU are all you control so you really ought to be the only one you and we post to or about. Make sense?

The rest of this talk is wasted energy.


I had enough to survive each day's events without thinking of other painful things on top of survival.
I am finishing a doctorate/have a law degree/and two masters so I hope I am educated.

Many of us are educated, but we all still make mistakes. I'd say my father was probably brilliant -very well educated, but he also was abusive to my mother and he drank too much.

In a way, his education was almost a handicap b/c it was harder for him to believe HE would make such blatant errors in his life. And he rationalized well to help him justify his poor behaviors. But he did...for years...

Strangely, it is not that I think I am powerless, but the exact opposite-I think I had too much power in the relationship . Sand the choices I made stacked up on him and caused something to snap in him.

After the split, he told me I was always the better looking one of the duo, that he was nothing compared to me, that he always knew I would leave him. But before I could answer, he turned into Monster and began yelling at me saying I was so weak and stupid he split with me just to get rid of me first. Again rewriting history. So I carry tremendous guilt that is paralyzing me at times.
Yes, I am sucked into his drama but much less frequently now. And I am working on that very diligently, and have avoided many times the pit believe it or not. No sex insults since that one day during the nuclear war and believe me he started that one with personal comments about me posted on my work website. Still I understand no excuse.
Yes, I know his behavior is criminal and leading up to more criminal activity on a cognitive level, but when it is happening, I just don't even really hear it as my brain just shuts off somehow/goes somewhere else-and I think of how hurt and how much pain I hear in the words. No fear, no flight, just get through the time and go on. It is why afterwards, I do not even remember all the details, and later forget the major also. Like PTSD perhaps.

Hey, this just is NOT a healthy relationship for you. It's a dangerous one. Your focus must be on healing YOU and I hope we can help you with that.
Don't worry about most of the rest. Seriously, a LOT of what you are writing about is not relevant to NOW. Stay in the present...

For now, that's all I can say. Get out of this r asap.

Honor your d by healing yourself...and MAYBE, that will help your h, but your goal is saving you first, your m or h, after..

Make sense?

[forward]

PF,
I actually relate to many of the things you say. I gave up some of my career for X, too. I now see that that was a mistake and in the past few years I focused on myself and my own work. And you know what? It feels really good!!

You sound really hyper (which we all understand here) and overwrought. What can you do to calm down, detach and start looking at your own situation as it relates to YOU and what YOU want?

The advice about FB and Twitter--don't stop looking at it for him. Do it for youself. It sounds like it just upsets you. So don't do. Block him if you need to.