14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Journaling. Counseling yesterday was on my anger with H.

I don't usually feel angry with him, just sad and disappointed, and it is what it is, and he's doing what he feels he needs to do. But every now and then I think of a great "zinger" I'd like to say to him and I don't. I know it won't help to try to make him feel bad, but I asked my T why I feel this need to do that and what to do about it.

It comes from anger - I'd like to tell him this is idiotic, and then he rethinks it and realizes he doesn't want it. In the movies maybe, but it's not going to happen in my real life. And so really I just want to hurt him like he's hurting me. I think of these things because they'd make him feel like a jerk and then I'd feel understood and justified in my anger.

This is all thinking through feelings, not things I'm acting on or planning to. But what do I do with this apparent anger? I've gone for a swim or hike, or eaten Oreos, and that helps dissipate the anger but more in an avoidant way than I feel a productive way. T helped me sort this out.

Yes, I'm angry. Maybe I need to tell him, for my own self-esteem, to stand up for myself and say my piece. If that's the case, I should think about what I really want/need to say, and when it would have a chance of being heard. Maybe after the D is final.

I realized that's not really my purpose - I'm not suffering a lack of self-esteem, and I don't feel like saying my piece is what I was really looking for.

I really just still deny that this is happening, and I'm grasping for something that brings him back from the edge. In that case, a cutting quip is not going to be productive at all.

My T suggested that also since we're about to be negotiating settlement, perhaps there's a time and place for sharing my angry feelings when he should understand that I did not seek this D and do not want it, am about to take a decrease in quality of life for a few years because of his selfishness. She had much better words than I can remember. But the point was she didn't say it in a sarcastic, hurtful, or "zinger" kind of way, but in a sincere and objective and calm statement that he's in denial about the real effects of his choices.

The point is using your anger to identify your feelings, think carefully about the consequences and what your goal is, and use your words to achieve your goals rather than to inflict pain.

I really don't think I'm trying to use my words to get more in settlement. I wanted them to change his mind.

When I think about it more, there is no sign that he's considering changing his mind. He's cooperating on pulling all the papers for the financial planner. He's providing input on my new bank accounts and life insurance information.

The financial planner will require a contract and a sum of money to continue working with us on the separation and I felt at this point that it's a point-of-no-return where I'd just like to ask him, are you sure you want this? We're about to spend the first significant money, is this still what you want, before I commit to spending it?

Honestly, talking with T, I realized that I have no reason to think the answer is anything but Yes, I still want to D. I also have no reason not to commit the money. Whether we D or not, I'm already curious about her advice and what she sees that we can do with what we have, whether we're on track to have a comfortable retirement, whether we've made smart choices on our investments. So I don't think I'd value her input any less if H came around and decided to reconcile. Which means, it's not a point-of-no-return. I'll go ahead and sign the contract.

So, where that leaves me with my angry feelings. Keep exercising them away, keep thinking about what it is that I need to communicate and when it might have a chance of being heard. And how, a statement, a conversation, a letter? Or let it go? I know a zinger won't do anything but make me feel clever for a moment, and then make him feel angry back at me. Nonproductive.

My other conversation with T was about a long talk I had with MIL about what's going on with H, and how I let her blathering go because I felt because of her age and her need to feel like her son is a good person I didn't want to let on how hurt I was. T said I don't need to protect everyone else. I need to respect my own feelings and not put them aside to save MIL from hurt feelings. She said I could have told MIL: "I need you to know that I've been using great restraint to handle this with dignity and not make things worse, but it doesn't mean I'm not feeling very hurt about this D, which I do not want." It bothers me to think that my H's family will see how easily and quickly this went and how well we all handled it, and not know that I did not want it and that H really hurt me with his choices.

I had given up the idea of justifying myself to friends and family a long time ago as nonproductive. T pointed out that my history is to identify expressing my feelings as nonproductive and bury them. But sometimes you need to express them for yourself. I'm still thinking about this. I don't see the point of trying to get an 82 year old lady to think of her baby son as a selfish bad guy. Isn't it better to just stuff my feelings and stick to surface details when she has questions?

So that's about it with counseling. I'm reading codependent no more, and see myself on that spectrum but not to the extent the book is talking about. It's an interesting way of thinking though - I definitely absorbed myself with trying to control the feelings and actions of my family, and find that I do a lot better now of owning my stuff and letting them own theirs.

H and I have missed two Saturdays of morning talks and I'll ask him to talk with me again this weekend. We need to figure out where the bills will be paid from now that I've separated some of our checking account out into a new account in my name. We need to work on our spending plans. We need to rehousetrain Tex who seems to have developed a preference for our carpet over the lawn, and I googled how to do that and need to get agreement with H on how to proceed. I have questions about who's paying the lawyer if we're going to use my lawyer to draw up our agreement. I want to suggest that I'll pay for the financial advisor (protection of assets) and H should pay for the lawyer (getting a divorce) even though he's my lawyer and represents me. At least we should talk about it.

I've talked with H about renting out a room in our house and doing the necessary construction to make that work. My parents have been working for the past year on finding a retirement home where they can be near my kids and be assured of nursing care if something should happen to one of them. It occurred to me that I'd really like to address those two needs together and have my parents come live with us. On the spur of the moment I suggested it to my mom to think about, and later I discussed it with H and S14 to start thinking about. H had lots of ideas about bumping out a wall on the first floor and building a separate entrance etc. It just seems silly for them to spend so much money to be near us and us to rent to a stranger to bring in money we need. I suspect, with my family being how it is, that it's not going to happen - my parents feel strongly about independence and living on your own and not needing help from people. Even though it seems like a win win to me, I think they would see it as being dependent on and imposing on us. We'll see. But the main thing is that I'm thinking as more of a giving person, which has been one of the things I'm working on. People aren't around forever, and I'd rather be able to help them out and keep them close than focus on my own life and stuff.

Oh yeah, one more chapter in this book. My bootcamp fell by the wayside after a trip to the beach. I came home tapped out and exhausted, and busy at work, and stressed out and unhappy. So, I felt more like eating oreos glued to my laptop and I let all my goals slide. The scale shows it. This week I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and got started again. I swam a mile and did a hike, and took note of some bad eating habits that just going to sleep at 10 would solve. It's like steering a big ship around, but I will do it. It felt so good to watch my progress before, and I'm trying to keep thinking about that good feeling.

So it's a beautiful day out and S12 gets home from camp at 5. I'm going to go enjoy. Hope you all are having some fun this weekend.