Barn's burnt down--

[labug]

This week since returning from our trip has been difficult.

Sadness and grief and feeling that I am about at the end of this road.

We say have no expectations, but I do. I try not to but they creep in. We say detach and I have, but not completely. Maybe I need the cutting of the legal ties that bind to really detach.

The fact that he said he was done and left but has not filed is just a continuation of our old R. Being the fixer it was easy for me to jump in and *fix things* that he didn't want to do. Now is it up to me to *fix* this for him? Or would it be fixing it for me?

I keep telling myself I feel this way today and tomorrow I will feel different, but I haven't. I've been sad, and weepy at times and also notice my black dog (depression) nipping at my heels a bit. It's interesting how I can tell the difference in my feelings of sadness and those of depression. That's something positive, I guess. I can see the the dog approaching and take steps to protect myself.

I know I've again let go of the discipline I've tried to maintain with yoga, meditation, exercise. I'm working to recover that and hoping it will be helpful as it has been in the past. I'm also increasing my GAL activities and have been quite busy but those sad feelings are still there waiting for me in the quiet moments.

I know Adinva has mentioned that she can't believe this is happening in her sitch and I feel that, too. How could it be so bad that you cut someone you loved for so long out of your life? That doesn't mean that I don't realize that things were bad; I did a lot of damage to the R but to not try seems so crazy.

But, I'm a fixer. He never had to fix anything because I was there, fixing. Fixing is not all bad, sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fix things (and not just the broken dishwasher that I'm currently dealing with).

Maybe my interference kept him from gaining that skill.

As I think through this, I realize that it's my expectations that have most likely brought me to this point. Before the vacation we were having pleasant email exchanges and a few texts, flirty, friendly, fun stuff. I had even fixed some food for him that I left at his place when I knew he was returning from a week out of town. He thanked me for it a couple of times and told me how good it was. Later, he sent me an email wishing me a good trip. I didn't contact at all during the trip but sent an text from the airport about a funny thing that happened with S(19) which he responded to.

When we got home, I emailed some photos and a short recap of the trip and the conference we attended.

Dead silence from his end.

So maybe I should back off.

But I'm really tired of this.

Advice?